A Mother's Right to Sanity

[0:00]Hi, this is Zivi Owens, and welcome to the first episode of my podcast called

[0:06]Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books. I am going to be reading articles written by me and other

[0:12]writers who I admire, sometimes interviewing them as well, so you don't have to take the time

[0:18]to sit and read, because we all know that moms have no time. As a mother of four, I know this

[0:23]all too well. For my first podcast, I'm going to be reading an article I wrote a while ago

[0:29]on HuffPost, which really started my online writing habit of the last couple months.

[0:37]It's called a mother's right to sanity, starting the movement to just be a mom and not a family

[0:42]management exec. The headline is, moms need a break from it all so we can be good moms, the

[0:47]caregivers we long to be, not stressed executives at home too. My psychiatrist told me this week

[0:54]that even working moms today spend more time with their kids than stay at home mom

[0:58]did in the 1950s. To be honest, I could use a little dose of throwback parenting. I'd love

[1:04]to be like those moms, sipping gin and tonics together on the porch in their tennis dresses,

[1:09]while their kids ran around the neighborhood until dinner time. Instead, I'm hunched over my

[1:13]phone, my fingers flying trying to keep up with 8 million kid-related emails while simultaneously

[1:19]trying to have quality time with whichever kid I'm currently dropping off somewhere.

[1:23]How did we go from there to here? Those moms wouldn't be able to survive an afternoon in

[1:27]today's parenting framework. Now, in 2017, I'm a typical mom on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

[1:34]With four kids at three schools in New York City, I have to work full-time just to keep up with

[1:39]everything. Mind you, some of these are things I've created as problems for myself. Like,

[1:43]why did I sign them up for football, gymnastics, soccer, and animal care class if it's so

[1:48]stressful for me to get them all there on time? But how could I not? I'd be missing and enriching

[1:53]child experience. My kids would be deprived, behind, underestimated. Never mind the fact that in

[2:00]the unstructured time at home, they're almost never bored. The other day, my little ones spent over an

[2:04]hour pulling each other around the living room on a broom, laughing hysterically. The laundry

[2:09]claw is the hottest toy we have. My inbox is a joke. Every class has a curriculum night, a

[2:15]parent's cocktail party, a mom's coffee or drink session, and parent teacher conference. All

[2:20]classes have some sort of special snack, event, or donation that would be absolutely and totally

[2:25]life-ending for my kids if I forgot it, like bringing in a stuffed animal for chapel,

[2:29]or donating the box of required rice. Rice, I'm not kidding for the school picnic.

[2:34]I just added an eye-cal event for the days when Eli the stuffed elephant will be coming home from

[2:38]school with us. Those 1950s moms didn't even have email. Plus, it's not just their schools.

[2:44]Every single activity now seems to have an orientation, a parent viewing class with metals,

[2:49]and required outfit changes. This week, wear black shorts and a white t-shirt. Why? Why?

[2:55]Class trips, chaperoning field trips, picture day, dress update, dress down day, PA meetings,

[3:00]class meetings, the food allergy affinity group meeting, the winter carnival kickoff. I have so

[3:05]many overlapping events on my calendar that I can't even see what's underneath it all. Plus,

[3:09]all the apps and group shares I have to subscribe to so I can say, watch my daughter's science

[3:14]class in action, or monitor my son's homework assignments. God forbid, I had anything for myself

[3:20]in my calendar, even like get myself to the dentist for that tooth that's been electrifying me every

[3:25]time I eat for the past six months. And hmm, why would I be eating? The stress of the 24-7 parenting

[3:31]vortex hardly ever ends, except at least for me, from 9.30 pm after my oldest goes to bed,

[3:37]until around 11 pm when my youngest starts coming in my room saying he needs more water,

[3:41]or my little daughter sneaks in to start spooning me. I could use that time to bond with my

[3:45]husband or deal with the 6,000 digital photos I need to do something with, but instead I usually

[3:50]hit the pantry. My go-to's right now are vanilla animal crackers, with a shot of tequila.

[3:56]Speaking of drinking, I've never felt so dependent on an evening glass of wine.

[4:00]The other day my doctor had to put me on an antibiotic because at some point my body starts

[4:04]breaking down, but the doctor said you can't drink for three days when you're on it. I waited to

[4:09]take the antibiotic for almost two weeks until I could pair it apart with my coveted evening drink.

[4:14]I used to love to work out, but with the kids' athletic practices and sports classes,

[4:18]my workouts now are just getting there. I know even 30 minutes on an elliptical would make me feel

[4:23]better, but usually once I hop on I have to field calls from the school nurse, the doctor's

[4:28]offices confirming appointments, or other essentials until I realized I haven't even heard a single

[4:32]song on the headphones I retrieved from my older daughter's trash heap of a desk drawer,

[4:36]and it's time to pick up my little son from school. I am beat. I am throwing in the towel,

[4:42]you know, the one with my daughter's pre-printed name tag label effects on it.

[4:45]I can't do it all anymore. I can't remember the kids' and sports t-shirt on Tuesday after

[4:50]news or is it Mondays? I can't remember to get perfect birthday gifts for kids' parties,

[4:55]not to mention my own friends and family. I can't brush from reading them books at bedtime

[4:59]to another class cocktail party, then back to do spelling quizzes and greatest common factor

[5:04]math homework with my big kids. What did that matter even mean? I don't even have time to shave

[5:08]my legs anymore. Many petties we're talking annually. Forget my eyebrows. Somehow I still manage

[5:14]to look put together, but inside I'm a mess. There has only been one night in the last four years

[5:20]that no kids have woken me up, at least on my days. And by my days I should throw in that the

[5:24]stress of the four kids didn't exactly help my first marriage, so I also have custody schedules

[5:29]packing for different houses and interacting with my ex while simultaneously celebrating my

[5:34]recent wedding. The other morning in bed is I reached over to check email and started responding

[5:39]about a kid's play date while digesting another note from my ex. My new hubby reached over

[5:43]and tried to put his hand up my shirt. Are you kidding me? I'm like in mom ninja warrior mode here.

[5:49]In fact, with the two little ones coming in every night, no matter what failed methods I've tried

[5:53]to get them, no matter what failed methods I've tried to get them to stay in their beds,

[5:58]it's practically impossible to have sex. How do any relationships survive this parenting

[6:02]overdrive? I know I'm lucky and that my new husband and I get to spend time together every

[6:07]other weekend when my ex has the kids. But I swear if we didn't, I don't know how he'd survive

[6:12]and I'm mentally in love with him. Having kids today, perhaps worse with multiple kids,

[6:16]perhaps worse in the city, but who knows, is a recipe for marital discord and psychological

[6:21]catastrophe. But what can be cut out? I'm not sure. Maybe mom's could tag team some of the events

[6:27]like, hey, you go to curriculum night and write my kid a note and I'll take both our parent

[6:31]teacher conferences. Maybe we could ask the schools to tone down the communications and events.

[6:36]Maybe I should just start skipping at all. But then I'd never get to interact with anyone who

[6:40]doesn't watch Paw Patrol. Maybe I should kick up my heels and talk to my friends on the phone, 1950

[6:45]style, while the kids zone out in front of the TV. I almost never get to talk to my friends anymore,

[6:50]except the ones doing the same drop-ups, drop-offs, and pickups. But thank God for those moms

[6:54]because without a little venting, I wouldn't be able to make it through each day. Because the

[6:58]thing is, I had all these kids because I adore kids, especially mine. And I just want to be

[7:03]with them, snuggle with them, laugh with them, play. I don't want to be so wrapped up in managing

[7:09]their lives that I can't just sit on the floor in the afternoon and have a tea party. That's

[7:12]why I signed up for the stay-at-home mom gig, not to use my MBA skills to organize class carpools.

[7:18]I think there needs to be a movement to reclaim a mother's or father's right to sanity.

[7:23]Even a mother's right to just play with the kids without getting hopelessly behind on texts

[7:27]and emails. A mother's right not to constantly deal with school reminders, newsletters, and

[7:32]life check alerts. I don't want to be so busy all the time being a full-time kid manager

[7:36]that I can't just be with the kids. Parenting shouldn't be this much of an office job.

[7:41]Everyday filled with forms and sign-ups, spreadsheets, and logistics management.

[7:46]Moms need a break from it all, so we can be good moms. The caregivers we long to be,

[7:51]not stressed executives at home too. Yesterday, I got a school email to bring an empty toilet

[7:56]paper rolls. No. No. I'm not going to do it. I just can't do it anymore. I'm taking my kids to

[8:03]the neighborhood bookstore for an hour to read and color play and just be with them. If that

[8:08]makes me a bad class mom, sign me up. So that was my article. I hope you enjoyed the first episode

[8:16]of the podcast. Moms don't have time to read books and I hope you'll subscribe and listen

[8:21]to all the following ones. Thanks so much for your time. Bye.