Zibby's essay: "Moving On Up"
[0:00]Hi, I'm Zibi Owens, and you're listening to Momstone Have Time to Read Books.
[0:12]This episode is brought to you by Boombox Gifts, Memory Boxes filled with personal messages
[0:16]and photos from friends and family for your next special occasion.
[0:20]Check it out at boomboxgifts.com.
[0:22]Hi, Momstone Have Time to Read Books, Listeners, I'm trying something a little differently
[0:26]today.
[0:27]I wrote an article recently called Moving On Up About the End of the School year and how
[0:31]I felt about my son moving on.
[0:34]And I thought since it had gotten a lot of positive reactions when I sent it around that
[0:40]I would read it, and maybe you guys could listen to it and tell me what you think.
[0:44]But a lot of people have cried afterward, so maybe grab a tissue or two, and I hope
[0:48]you like it.
[0:49]I would love to hear your thoughts on if I should read some essays on the podcast, or
[0:54]if I should stick just to authors.
[0:57]Always up for trying something new, but not if everybody hates it, so my email is zibiatzibiowens.com,
[1:03]or you can direct message me on Instagram at zibiowens, and let me know what you think of
[1:09]this.
[1:10]But here's my essay.
[1:11]It's called Moving On Up, a mother says goodbye to her little boy, and hello to her young
[1:14]man.
[1:15]I published it on Medium.
[1:17]Life has been hurtling through spring at warp speed.
[1:19]Between attending my four kids into school year parties, organizing camp forms, producing
[1:23]my podcast, Momstone of Time to Read books, and hosting book events, I've been going,
[1:28]going.
[1:29]Each day is packed.
[1:30]From the time I give my younger son his morning hayfie for eye drops to my final Instagram
[1:34]check of the night.
[1:36]It's exciting and energizing to be doing so many things I love, but something happened
[1:40]recently that made my express train lurch to a halting stop.
[1:43]I got an email from my fifth grade son's teacher letting me know that he would be on stage
[1:47]performing in the school chapel the next morning.
[1:50]A little advanced notice would have been nice, but so it goes in hashtag mom life.
[1:54]I pushed back two podcasts, lined up my mom to take my little guys to school, and carved
[1:58]out the time to be there, of course.
[2:00]My son's school gives students different roles in the weekly chapel.
[2:04]Readers, a snuffer who lights and puts out the candles with a giant gold rod, and someone
[2:09]who rings a gun.
[2:10]The chapel service is a lovely non-denominational ritual to which parents are invited each
[2:14]week.
[2:15]When my son was in the lower school, I almost never missed a chapel.
[2:18]His twin sister used to attend his school as well, so it was a no brainer.
[2:23]I found over time that chapel was not only my favorite part of the school and made me truly
[2:27]feel part of the community, but it also became my favorite part of the week, a time to pause
[2:32]and regroup.
[2:33]The chaplain would start off by gently asking us all to sit up a little straighter in our
[2:37]chairs with both feet firmly planted on the ground.
[2:40]We would listen to the gong and go into the chapel service present, mindful.
[2:44]This year I haven't been able to attend chapel at all.
[2:46]My five-year-old daughter's preschool chapel happens at the exact same time each week,
[2:50]so I've always gone to hers, a cozy affair in her school's basement, or kids sit on
[2:54]their parents' laps on a red rug, crisscross applesauce and sing folk songs.
[2:59]Middle school chapel for my almost 12-year-old apparently wasn't the family event it
[3:02]was before.
[3:03]In fact, the one time I did manage to get there, my son didn't want to be seen talking
[3:07]to me.
[3:08]In the lower school, I would watch him seated several rows ahead of me with his class
[3:12]as he turned and waved to me throughout the service.
[3:14]I even spoke at his chapel last year at the culmination of those chapels for me about
[3:18]how I'd found my voice through writing, doing so, led to my actually starting the
[3:22]podcast, which has changed my life in so many positive ways.
[3:25]I didn't realize how much I'd miss chapel until I went this time.
[3:29]It was one of those crazy mornings, actually who am I kidding they all are.
[3:32]I was running late getting all the other kids off to school and managing to drive my hair
[3:36]and put on something halfway decent myself.
[3:38]I plopped down near a parent I knew and said, try, I'm finally, I made it.
[3:42]Then I moved to a better seat up front.
[3:44]I wanted an unobstructed view of my son being the snuffer.
[3:47]He'd been a reader and a going-ringer in the past, but never this.
[3:50]He'd patiently waited for this job through every chapel for six years, and now at the end
[3:54]of fifth grade it was his turn.
[3:56]The timing was particularly good because he is going to boarding school next year.
[4:00]I swore I'd never send a child to boarding school, but he researched it, asked for it,
[4:04]and fell in love with the particular school that also seems to have fallen in love with
[4:08]him.
[4:09]It appears to be a match made in heaven, and he has been counting down the days until
[4:12]he can leave the craziness of our home, the hectic pace of New York, and escape to the
[4:15]countryside.
[4:17]It's what he needs.
[4:18]We all know this.
[4:19]I haven't been sad about it because it's so the right decision for him, and all I want
[4:22]is for him to be happy and thrive in an environment that allows him to become his best self,
[4:27]but chaffel jolted me into the reality that he was leaving.
[4:30]My son walked on stage holding the gold rod, only the sounds of the piano playing the
[4:34]room otherwise silent, reverent.
[4:37]I watched him as he carefully lit the candles, and then walked to his seat on stage and
[4:40]placed the rod purposefully beside him on the ground.
[4:43]I couldn't believe it.
[4:44]Standing there in the aisle, videoing the whole thing on my phone, I felt like life had
[4:48]been fast-forwarded.
[4:49]How did my son get so big?
[4:51]Wasn't he just in kindergarten?
[4:54]Seems came flooding back like one of those movie montages and fast-forward, shaking his
[4:58]kindergarten teacher's hand goodbye, his cubby in first grade.
[5:02]When I presented to his class in second grade about how to be a writer, peeling apples
[5:06]with his class, the field chip when we collected trash on a beach, when we waited in
[5:10]the water and collected sea specimens, picking up friends for group ladies.
[5:15]When I first brought his baby sister to pick him up, and he proudly showed her off to
[5:18]his classmates, then when I brought his baby brother in, going through a divorce, my getting
[5:23]remarried, moving.
[5:25]A lot has happened to all of our lives since that first kindergarten chapel, and there he
[5:29]was, mature, handsome, strong, almost as tall as me.
[5:35]His feet bigger than mine, confident, proud, I burst into tears.
[5:39]I cried for the entire chapel, which to make matters worse was a roundup performance
[5:43]of all the best songs of the year, including a million dreams, the lyrics.
[5:48]I close my eyes and I can see the world that's waiting up for me that I call my own,
[5:53]through the dark, through the door, through nowhere, through where no one's been before,
[5:57]but it feels like home.
[5:59]They can say they can say it all sounds crazy.
[6:01]They can say they can say I've lost my mind.
[6:04]I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy.
[6:06]We can live in a world that we design.
[6:09]I mean, really, I was absolutely bawling.
[6:11]How had the time passed like this?
[6:14]When in all those crazy mornings and stressful bedtimes and all the rest of it had my
[6:18]son emerged to be this young gentleman.
[6:21]At the end of chapel, my son thoughtfully put out the candles while the auditorium watched,
[6:25]while I filmed and cried.
[6:27]When the chaplain asked us all to recite together, let us bless this new day, as yet untouched
[6:32]and undiscovered.
[6:33]It was the end of the chapter in my life.
[6:35]Book closed.
[6:37]My son is leaving the school, turns out even the wonderful chaplain is leaving.
[6:41]In the fall, my five-year-old will start kindergarten there.
[6:43]I'll go all the way back to the beginning, but with her, the waving to each other in chapel,
[6:48]sitting behind her.
[6:49]Then the following year, her little brother, Will, hopefully, join until one day, all
[6:53]of them will walk across the stage for the last time, sniffing out that final
[6:57]candle.
[6:58]What will my life look like by then?
[7:00]The chapel ended, and I raced on stage looking like I'd just come from a funeral.
[7:04]Mom, he exclaimed, smiling, reaching over to hug me, Mom, stop crying, are you okay?
[7:09]I just nodded and cried, I'm so proud of you, I sobbed.
[7:12]I got to go to class, he said, looking in the eye, love you, Mom, bye, and he rushed off.
[7:18]I was such a mess at the music teacher who had been leading the chapel walked up to me and
[7:22]said, I think you can use a hug.
[7:24]She hugged me tightly and kindly.
[7:26]The smoke from the candles wafted up towards the ceiling as I walked out of the chapel,
[7:31]the feeling of profound loss coursed through me.
[7:34]I had lost who he was, that little boy all we'd gone through together, the good and
[7:39]bad.
[7:40]Now he was a young man.
[7:43]It isn't like they say, it didn't happen in the blink of an eye.
[7:47]It happened in a sea of amazing and terrible moments, extreme highs and lows.
[7:54]When I wasn't sure how to be the best parent to him, moments when I wanted to celebrate
[7:58]from the rooftops, it happened while so much else was happening in my own life, my other
[8:03]kids lives.
[8:04]It happened over the course of a zillion moments.
[8:07]Frozen yogurts on the way to the doctor, trips to Barnes and Noble after school, reading
[8:12]together on his bed.
[8:15]It isn't over, but now it's different, and I just want to honor the end, the sadness
[8:21]I feel that this stage is over, that my son is moving on, moving out, moving ahead.
[8:29]Just like I always wanted him to, I just didn't know my happiness for him would also
[8:34]feel so gut-wrenching, let us bless this new day.
[8:38]Oh my gosh, I'm a mess.
[8:41]No, that was the end of the article, by the way.
[8:44]Anyway, is anyone else feeling the way I am at this time of year?
[8:48]If anybody else is going through something similar or has kids getting older, I'd love
[8:53]to hear about it.
[8:54]I mean, everybody has kids getting older, but anyway, I don't know.
[8:58]I just wanted to share it in this format and hope that it helps somebody else out there.
[9:03]Bye.
[9:04]This episode has been brought to you by Boombox Gifts, Memory Boxes filled with personal
[9:08]messages and photos from friends and family for your next special occasion, boomboxgifts.com.
[9:14]Thanks to Ryan and Steve at Texture Sound for the audio editing and mixing.
[9:17]Thanks for listening to Momstone, have time to read books.