Samantha Irby, WOW, NO THANK YOU
[0:08]Hi, I'm Zibi Owens and you're listening to the award-winning podcast Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books.
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[0:56]Our world is changing fast and in a time that is forcing positive change, my friends at Jumpstart,
[1:01]National Early Education Nonprofit believe that the need for the quality education will only increase with nearly 25% of all children across the country living in poverty and the widening opportunity gap due to the extended out of school time.
[1:14]Jumpstart, whose vision is every child in America, enters kindergarten prepared to succeed, teams up with 79 colleges, universities, and community partners across 15 states to provide early learning for over 13,000 preschool kids and underserved community.
[1:28]At the core of their work is literacy.
[1:30]Their global read for the record campaign in the fall engages over 2 million people worldwide to highlight the importance of early literacy and make high quality books accessible for all children, no matter their color, socio-economic status or zip code.
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[1:55]To all mamas, daddies, educators, book lovers, and beyond, you can support this crucial campaign by visiting readfortherecord.org to purchase the book, donate, or support a classroom in need.
[2:07]Okay, this conversation with Samantha Irby might be one of my favorite podcasts.
[2:11]The two of us basically laughed the entire time we talked and I barely asked her a question.
[2:16]So it was more just a conversation and was so funny and I like walked around my house laughing for 10 minutes afterwards.
[2:22]So hopefully you will too.
[2:24]Samantha Irby is an American comedian, author, and blogger.
[2:27]She runs the blog, Bitches Gotta Eat, where she posts about her personal life and events.
[2:32]She co-hosted the lit live show, Guts, and Glory, and Chicago until 2015.
[2:37]She is the author of many best-selling books, including Meaty, which we'll hear more about at the end of this episode, New Year's Same Trash.
[2:46]We are never meeting in real life.
[2:48]Well, no thank you, which is her latest book.
[2:51]I hope you laugh as much as I did listening to this episode.
[2:55]We could all really use the laugh certainly me right about now, so this came at a particularly great time.
[3:00]Enjoy the episode.
[3:01]Hi!
[3:02]Hi!
[3:03]Hiya!
[3:04]Good, how are you doing?
[3:06]Good, thank you so much for doing this interview.
[3:08]I'm so excited to talk to you.
[3:10]Oh, it is my pleasure.
[3:12]I'm excited to talk to you.
[3:14]I just got up.
[3:15]Amazing.
[3:16]The best I'm going to be today, so you get to get all the good parts of me.
[3:24]Well, now I feel like I know about your waking rituals and whether or not you're going up and down stairs and what your belongings and all this stuff.
[3:31]So I feel like I'm in your morning with you.
[3:33]Yes, you are experiencing it.
[3:35]I forgot they would have like put all my stuff in a bag to take it up last night.
[3:41]So it's still all downstairs.
[3:43]So the ritual of a little off.
[3:45]I do the same thing, by the way.
[3:47]I have my little tote bag and I have like four books in it at a time.
[3:51]And I'm like, I'm just going to take this with me wherever I go because you never know.
[3:55]So I eat it, you know.
[3:56]I roll it, some masks, some books, gums.
[4:01]Yeah.
[4:02]Lift glass.
[4:03]Yeah.
[4:04]Oh, I have to have like six lit bombs at all times.
[4:10]Like I don't care about like hand lotion.
[4:13]You know, some people are like, I gotta moisturize my hand.
[4:16]I can't do that because then you just get grease all over like all your books and other shit.
[4:20]But lit bombs.
[4:22]I have to have like seven of them on me at all times.
[4:26]That's right.
[4:27]I got a case of lip glosses that are basically eight shades of the exact same color as a gift.
[4:33]So there's like the tiniest gradations of pink and I'm like, whatever.
[4:37]They all look the same.
[4:38]I can't tell them apart.
[4:39]So I have them like in every little like pencil holder.
[4:43]And then I have like a bunch just scattered in the bag.
[4:46]So you never know.
[4:47]But you know, like people act like we're nuts for being like this.
[4:51]But honestly, we're just prepared.
[4:53]I think we're efficient.
[4:55]Yeah.
[4:56]I'm prepared for very specific instances of boredom and lip dryness.
[5:02]Totally.
[5:03]You never know when either of those things will hit.
[5:06]Perhaps simultaneously.
[5:08]Yes.
[5:09]Yes.
[5:10]Yeah.
[5:11]So that's good.
[5:12]So I'm glad I caught you in the morning and now we can, uh, we can go from there.
[5:16]So your latest book.
[5:18]Wow.
[5:19]I laughed out loud.
[5:20]I so needed a good laugh as I think everybody in the world needs right now.
[5:24]And this is like, it was the funniest thing I've read in so long.
[5:27]So thank you for that.
[5:28]Oh my God.
[5:29]Thank you for saying that.
[5:30]It's a weird.
[5:31]I mean, you know, we live in hell.
[5:33]It's a weird time to be putting out a book.
[5:37]But I was like, you know, at least people will laugh at it.
[5:43]But it's also like I didn't get to tour.
[5:47]So I didn't get like response from a lot of people.
[5:50]I've just done these things where like someone on a Zoom is like, it made me laugh.
[5:55]And that has been so like helpful to me.
[6:00]Cause like when you don't get feedback, it's like, oh, God.
[6:04]Yeah.
[6:05]Is this like being a comedian on stage with like a totally silent audience.
[6:08]And you're like, um, was that funny?
[6:10]I thought it was funny.
[6:11]Did anybody else think it was funny?
[6:14]So many times someone's like, listen, I was on the toilet.
[6:18]Laughing so hard.
[6:19]I prolapse my rectum.
[6:20]I'm like, well, thank you for telling me because I need to hear that.
[6:25]I can't say that.
[6:27]But I will say that I left on the couch and in bed and walking around as I do while I read and all the rest.
[6:35]So if I find any other prolapse victims, I will send them your way and tell them.
[6:40]Yeah.
[6:41]I'm like, oh my gosh, but the best part about your humor is you're just mostly not all the time.
[6:48]But so many things you're talking about are things just we all do every day.
[6:52]And have to deal with whether it's like confronting these people on Instagram who have these perfect lives,
[6:58]and are drinking perfect drinks and have these perfect skincare routines.
[7:02]But I'm like, oh my gosh, I forgot to shape my legs for the last like two weeks.
[7:05]And then like, you know, the not wanting to get out of bed to do anything at night.
[7:10]When like suddenly I am like, you know, comatose by 10 o'clock.
[7:13]All these funny, just like life things that you shine the light on are just so awesome.
[7:19]Thank you.
[7:20]I feel like so people always ask like, how can you be so open with your terrible inner monologue?
[7:28]Because my inner monologue is always like everything I'm doing wrong and getting wrong and saying wrong and looking wrong.
[7:35]And I'm like, I have to say it because I have to believe that there's someone else who feels the exact same way.
[7:42]Because like, you know, when people are like, you know, I'm really good at stuff.
[7:47]I'm just like, man, I'm not.
[7:50]So I got to speak to people who are bad at stuff and get stuff wrong.
[7:56]Because like that feeling of seeing each other is like, that's how we all are going to survive.
[8:03]It's just knowing that there's someone else who like vomited in the middle of dinner and couldn't get up in time.
[8:09]Like knowing that there's at least one other person who's like making these mistakes like makes you feel better.
[8:17]Especially, you know, anyone with Crohn's disease should just like put this by their bed.
[8:21]And you know, the doctors should hand this out with diagnosis that you can make light of your fellow fellows.
[8:30]And it's okay.
[8:31]Yes.
[8:32]Yeah.
[8:33]That's my, I mean, I don't have any goals, but if I did have a goal, one of them would be to just have people talking about their poop all the time in regular conversation.
[8:44]We're going to get there, maybe not in my lifetime, but society is going to evolve to that point.
[8:49]And the great thing is nobody else is really fighting for that.
[8:52]So you can get your own platform and make a dent on it, you know, have a real impact.
[8:59]I can be a pioneer.
[9:00]You can.
[9:01]You can.
[9:02]You can have a hundred years from now, they're going to be like, you know, we've ever talked about the consistency of our
[9:07]tools at parties.
[9:09]Yes.
[9:10]Until Samantha be forced us to.
[9:12]Yes.
[9:13]Let's reduce the, the stigma.
[9:15]Thank you.
[9:16]You know, forget about mental illness and all these other things.
[9:19]Let's just, you know, clear this one up and we.
[9:22]Yes.
[9:23]Well, I just wanted to read a couple passages that like particularly made me laugh, which seems awkward to read back to you.
[9:31]I love it so much.
[9:32]Like in the shower, but I'm just going to do it anyway.
[9:35]In the shower, I use a big block of Irish spring.
[9:37]And because I am black, I was raised to always use a washcloth no matter what.
[9:41]So I do.
[9:42]I also scrub my scalp vigorously with anti-dander shampoo, which is a thing beautiful people never have to use.
[9:47]Just once I want to read one of these profiles where a slender, shiny tooth model is like, hey, bitch, I have psoriasis.
[9:52]Well, aggressive.
[9:53]We saw the ring detail under her roots.
[9:56]Oh, yes, that just totally made me laugh.
[9:58]And then this other.
[10:00]The other one about peeing, she said,
[10:02]well, this whole paragraph is funny,
[10:03]and then I'll stop reading.
[10:04]We'd live up the street from a middle school,
[10:06]and children are already on their way home for fuck's sake.
[10:08]So I don't feel bad having six diet cuts in a row.
[10:10]This is when you wake up.
[10:11]I'll finish my water, but like,
[10:13]I don't ever want to be too hydrated.
[10:14]All these magazines tell you how you should really
[10:16]be drinking your weight in water every day,
[10:18]and all these movie stars would have you believe
[10:20]their skin glows because of that water bottle
[10:21]they're carrying around, and I believe them.
[10:23]But also, why doesn't anyone ever talk
[10:25]about how much peeing you will have to do?
[10:27]I no longer have a pelvic floor, Jennifer Aniston.
[10:29]I cannot just be going down smart water
[10:32]with reckless abandon.
[10:35]Oh, I got you're so funny.
[10:36]Thank you.
[10:37]I know.
[10:38]And also that is true.
[10:40]Every health thing you're supposed to do,
[10:42]like everyone talks about the benefits or whatever,
[10:44]but no one ever addresses the damn thought.
[10:49]Do you know what my day would be like
[10:51]if I just ate like raw kale and beans all day,
[10:57]while like pouring gallons of water down my throat,
[11:00]I'd have to move into the bathroom.
[11:03]I just want, I will buy the lie
[11:07]because like, I need to buy the lie.
[11:10]And we all do, right?
[11:11]Like we want to believe that there's a better way,
[11:13]but I just want to hear the side effects too.
[11:18]I just want to know that like drinking this team
[11:22]will make me beautiful, but also as a diuretic.
[11:25]Like just tell me that part too.
[11:29]Especially because you cannot use any bathrooms
[11:32]outside of your house anymore.
[11:34]Yeah.
[11:35]Like, like, you know, that's it.
[11:38]Like you can't, no stores will let you in,
[11:40]no restaurants will let you in,
[11:41]the public restrooms are closed.
[11:43]So like, what are you supposed to do
[11:45]if you have to run a few errands a half an hour away?
[11:47]And you've had like, you know, a smoothie
[11:49]that's like made of, you know, dates and, you know,
[11:54]filtered water and whatever, cooking.
[11:55]I don't even know.
[11:56]Like what am I supposed to do?
[11:58]Not have this moody or whatever.
[11:59]I stay home, no more smoothies.
[12:02]No, that's true.
[12:03]And smoothies are a big one too
[12:05]because like, you know, they love to tell you
[12:08]how many nutrients you're getting
[12:10]and how you can get like all your servings
[12:12]and vegetables for the day
[12:14]in this like beautiful green smoothie.
[12:17]That's like in an overexposed picture
[12:20]on a marble countertop.
[12:22]But then no one says the extra bit about,
[12:25]you know what?
[12:25]All this raw spinach is gonna do to you, right?
[12:28]They just don't tell you.
[12:29]And now, but you truly can't go anywhere
[12:34]to use the bathroom.
[12:35]I don't know if people are wearing diapers or...
[12:39]Yeah.
[12:40]How's everyone else doing?
[12:42]I literally thought about like,
[12:43]I shouldn't even say that a lot.
[12:44]I was sort of like, I had to go like pretty far away.
[12:48]And I was like, should I stuck my car with some baggies?
[12:52]Like, how am I gonna pick up my daughter,
[12:54]drive her to this other thing she has to do so far away?
[12:56]Like, what can I put in the car?
[12:58]Like, do I need a portable something?
[13:00]Like, what should I, you know, the smoothie bottles?
[13:02]Like, they do it, you know?
[13:05]Yeah, I honestly don't know what people are doing.
[13:10]That's another thing people should be talking about.
[13:13]Like, you drove out to the coast or whatever.
[13:16]Cool.
[13:17]I'd love to see your pictures of the sand and the water.
[13:21]But I also wanna know, where did you pee during the drive?
[13:27]Yeah, what did you do?
[13:29]Yeah, it's like a complete mystery.
[13:32]And unspoken problems of the pandemic, you know?
[13:35]Every time, okay, from now on, and I'll report back,
[13:38]every time I see someone post like a,
[13:41]we did a road trip picture.
[13:43]I'm gonna comment, tell me how you went to the bathroom.
[13:49]Every time I see someone who's not in their backyard,
[13:52]I'm gonna be like, this is beautiful.
[13:54]Where did you pee?
[13:55]Perfect.
[13:56]And then I'm gonna collect the evidence and bring it to you.
[13:59]And PS, everybody on Instagram is suddenly like on vacation.
[14:02]Everybody, I like miss the memo that this is the week.
[14:05]We're all supposed to like find the nearest lake
[14:07]and, you know, grab a canoe and grow our hearts out.
[14:11]I mean, I don't know, everybody is somewhere right now.
[14:13]I know.
[14:14]I have seen so much of, and I try to be judgmental.
[14:19]I mean, mostly because I don't care
[14:21]what anyone does as long as they don't bother me
[14:23]or talk to me, but there is that part of me.
[14:25]That's like, you know, I've been in my dining room since March.
[14:31]Where are you?
[14:32]And why do you feel safe there?
[14:34]And who are you breathing on?
[14:37]And we're gonna be locked up forever
[14:39]because you couldn't just like be inside.
[14:43]I know, I'm like, am I overreacting?
[14:45]No.
[14:46]Do you know what I mean?
[14:47]Like, I have been in my house here, which, you know,
[14:49]is, I feel very fortunate.
[14:50]I'm very lucky.
[14:51]I love my house.
[14:52]But I have slept here every night since March 12th,
[14:54]which is the longest I've basically been anywhere in a long time.
[14:57]Like, since, I don't know, since my parents got divorced
[14:59]when I was 14, when I started like moving houses.
[15:02]Like, I've never been so stationary ever.
[15:04]And I don't begrudge anybody, but I'm just like,
[15:07]everybody is in Montana and, you know, I don't know.
[15:11]But, okay, I don't know, I don't feel safe moving anywhere,
[15:15]but I'm probably too high if I had to dip on anything.
[15:19]I would have like an emotional breakdown
[15:21]if someone was like, I just wouldn't do the thing.
[15:24]There just is no, what am I doing
[15:26]with a gas mask and a hazmat suit?
[15:29]Like, I know I would catch it.
[15:31]Like, I don't have good luck, right?
[15:33]So I'm like, I know I'm gonna catch it.
[15:36]And then all you hear on the news is
[15:37]like, black people get it and die immediately.
[15:40]So I'm like, I'm getting it.
[15:42]And then I'm immediately gonna die.
[15:44]And I haven't like, cussed out all the people
[15:47]who need cussing out yet.
[15:49]I mean, it's like, I can't,
[15:51]there's no circumstance under which I would like fly right now.
[15:55]I guess, I don't know.
[15:57]But like, again, I love that other people feel confident.
[16:02]I don't know where this confidence comes from.
[16:06]And I hope they remain lucky,
[16:08]but yeah, my feet is all like, look at us in a meadow.
[16:12]And I'm like, a meadow.
[16:14]You live on the south side of Chicago.
[16:15]I'm like, do, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
[16:21]Where did you go?
[16:22]Yeah.
[16:23]Oh, no.
[16:25]Yeah, crazy times.
[16:26]It's insane.
[16:27]You also wrote so in such a funny way about writing,
[16:30]I love like self-referential sort of meta-ness
[16:33]in different books.
[16:34]But you said about your writing, you said,
[16:37]and I'm sorry to only quote from the beginning,
[16:38]I have things all throughout not to make you think
[16:40]I only read like a chapter.
[16:41]But anyway, I'll just put everything in my head
[16:45]out into this podcast.
[16:46]You say my work, I occasionally write jokes
[16:48]on the internet for free
[16:49]because I am the last person on earth
[16:51]who still has a blog.
[16:53]Sometimes I have freelance projects,
[16:55]but there's nothing right now.
[16:56]No one is gonna pay me to write another book about nothing
[16:58]for at least the next two years.
[16:59]Unfortunately, I don't have anything new or exciting
[17:01]to say online and absolutely zero paying scams.
[17:04]So my heart sinks, does it dawns on me
[17:05]and I have gotten up and gotten dressed
[17:07]just to read what other people are saying on Twitter.
[17:09]And this is the glamorous life of a writer.
[17:13]All right.
[17:14]I mean, clearly I read a lot of like profile.
[17:18]I love, I mean, I would spend,
[17:21]and I read one about you.
[17:23]I love to see what people do and they're schedule
[17:28]and they're whole thing.
[17:29]I love that.
[17:31]I love seeing productive people.
[17:34]I really love when writers are like, yes, I get up.
[17:37]I have a dedicated 40 minute reading time
[17:41]and then I move to this other chair
[17:43]and I do two hours of writing in what world.
[17:47]People are putting on real clothes and shoes
[17:51]to sit down and dedicate time to their writing.
[17:54]I truly stare at the wall for 10 hours a day.
[17:59]And then I'm like, oh, do I have a deadline?
[18:01]I cry, I'm everything in.
[18:04]And then I don't do anything for the next two weeks.
[18:09]People all believe that like it's,
[18:11]and again, I'm only critical because I'm extremely jealous.
[18:16]People like believe that everyone has,
[18:18]I did this interview and the woman afterward asked me
[18:21]to send her a picture of my writing space.
[18:25]So then I just sent her a picture of my lap
[18:28]because that's where I put the computer.
[18:31]I was like, this is where the tumors are gonna be
[18:34]from the laptop.
[18:35]I was like, every day.
[18:39]And she was like disappointed
[18:41]that I didn't have like a beautiful space with flowers.
[18:44]And I was like, I don't know what right.
[18:47]Like I don't know like what writer told you
[18:50]like led you to believe this fantasy life.
[18:54]But most of us are disgusting in our pajamas.
[18:58]Like writing on the couch and eating.
[19:01]Now that would have been a good time
[19:03]to bring in the poop stigma issue as well.
[19:05]You could have shown the toilet in the writing space.
[19:09]You missed an opportunity there.
[19:11]I think next time, you know,
[19:12]things can sit or perhaps, you know,
[19:16]I'm like, you could just come to my house
[19:18]and basically any room with a chair in it
[19:21]has been a place where I have written something.
[19:25]And I have a desk, but it's like covered
[19:28]with nail polishes.
[19:30]Oh my God.
[19:31]And this thing I bought off Instagram.
[19:33]That's like a leg massager,
[19:35]but I didn't realize how big and clunky was gonna be.
[19:38]And then my wife was like, get that out of here.
[19:41]So now it's just on my desk.
[19:44]Oh my gosh.
[19:44]There's no glamour over here at all.
[19:47]And yet you're producing like best selling books
[19:51]all the time.
[19:52]This is just your way.
[19:53]Yeah.
[19:54]Yes.
[19:54]I want people to believe because it's true
[19:57]that you can like be a garbage person.
[20:00]person who doesn't have a dedicated writing space
[20:03]and write a book that people will like.
[20:05]So then what's the secret?
[20:06]Just saying, what's the secret?
[20:08]Cause you're really good.
[20:09]Well, I mean, you have to have deep unrelenting anxiety
[20:14]and mental illness of tragic comic childhood
[20:21]and be willing just to say whatever
[20:25]to make people laugh.
[20:26]And then you just have to have a comfortable chair
[20:28]to sit in, then like type on your computer.
[20:32]That's it, that's great.
[20:34]People with tragic comic childhoods
[20:36]are jumping up and down right now.
[20:39]They're ready to get started.
[20:41]True, I do look a lot of like, hey,
[20:43]drop in on my writing class kind of thing.
[20:46]And so many people are just like waiting for the perfect,
[20:51]you know, waiting to get the perfect typewriter,
[20:54]the perfect like cute office space.
[20:57]And I'm like, it's never gonna happen.
[21:00]Get that out of your mind just right wherever.
[21:04]If the toilet is where it has to be,
[21:07]then just right there.
[21:08]Yeah, I mean, I would like to disabuse every one
[21:12]of the notion that like you have to, you know,
[21:15]be good or smart or have all your shit together to write.
[21:20]You are ridiculously smart and you are good.
[21:23]I don't know about having your shit together.
[21:25]That's for you.
[21:27]That was too truth and a lie or too lie or something.
[21:33]Tell me more about being a step mom,
[21:35]because you say I jump away from children
[21:39]the way most people jump back from a hot stove,
[21:41]which is not usually the best way to go into step fair in it.
[21:45]But that's okay.
[21:46]What has that been like for you,
[21:47]especially recently with all the stuff going on?
[21:50]Well, I would say some about that quote specifically,
[21:55]I have, I think like I joke that my childhood was bad,
[21:59]but like it was really bad.
[22:01]And so I think as an adult,
[22:03]one of the resentments that I have
[22:06]about my childhood is like, you know,
[22:09]my mom was 40 when I was born.
[22:12]And it's like, girl, you kind of helped me out, right?
[22:15]So like my biggest fear with being around the child
[22:19]is that something I would say or do to them
[22:22]would resonate for the rest of their lives
[22:25]and like 30 years from now, they'll be like, you know what?
[22:30]Sam really messed me up and then like hate me
[22:32]and write about me in their books or whatever.
[22:35]So I always kind of tread lightly around children
[22:40]because I'm like, oh, what horrible example am I setting?
[22:45]So step parenting, my approach is very,
[22:49]you have a mom and a dad,
[22:52]they're gonna like decide the vaccine schedule
[22:56]and like whether or not you eat gluten,
[22:58]like they're gonna decide all those things
[23:01]and then die your education.
[23:03]I'll show you some cool stuff.
[23:05]Like if you wanna watch a David Center movie
[23:08]or whatever, I'll sit and watch it with you
[23:11]and like I'll buy you stuff,
[23:13]but please do not ask me for any life advice
[23:18]you can trace back to me in the future
[23:21]when you inevitably fail.
[23:23]I just don't wanna be responsible
[23:26]for any of the mistakes.
[23:30]All right.
[23:31]So like, you know how like step parents will come in
[23:35]and like have to show their authority
[23:39]or like I don't do any of that.
[23:43]I mean, for a while, I don't even think the kids
[23:46]like knew what my last day can walk.
[23:49]And it's like so kind of like guarded with them.
[23:55]I just, I have no, I don't think there's anything
[23:59]that I know that would like help guide these kids
[24:05]better than anything their parents are telling them.
[24:08]So I'm just like the fun one.
[24:11]Like we do fun stuff, watch movies, you know,
[24:16]their mom isn't really into technology.
[24:18]So I'm the one who's like, here's an iPad for Christmas.
[24:21]Like I want a guarantee that when I'm old,
[24:25]they'll like take care of me
[24:27]and think about all the stuff I did for them
[24:30]and not think about how like they hated
[24:33]all of my weird rules.
[24:35]So it's just like a kind of bribery relationship
[24:38]with this point.
[24:39]Yes, yes.
[24:40]Which is fine.
[24:42]Yeah, I wouldn't do that if they,
[24:43]like if they were my own children,
[24:45]like if I had children, I mean, my dad was in the military.
[24:49]We had rules like you can't whistle in the house.
[24:52]Like all kinds of like nonsense.
[24:54]I am afraid I'd be that kind of parent
[24:56]where I'd be like, oh, you're awake
[24:58]and not scrubbing something, not in my house.
[25:02]So it's good that I don't have my own kids,
[25:04]both other people's kids.
[25:05]I'm like a pile of money.
[25:08]Sure, take it.
[25:10]Will you love me if I give it to you?
[25:13]Great, here you go.
[25:14]Although I feel like sometimes people
[25:16]who have like really strict parents
[25:18]or people who have had childhoods
[25:20]where a lot of things happen
[25:21]that they haven't been happy with
[25:23]end up being completely opposite types of parents
[25:26]from examples.
[25:27]It's just the ability to sort of say
[25:29]I'm like not to model
[25:30]but to go the opposite direction.
[25:32]Yeah, yeah.
[25:33]Yeah, I think if you look back and you're like,
[25:35]oh man, I really hated my dad.
[25:37]I don't wanna be like my dad.
[25:40]But I, you know, I never,
[25:42]I think I never wanted my own children.
[25:47]I mean, one, because my body just like
[25:49]starts falling apart early enough
[25:51]that I was like, grow a child in here, absolutely not.
[25:55]Like, can you imagine what kind of gremlin
[25:57]I would give birth to like all these diseases and problems?
[26:01]Like, no, I wouldn't do that to do a kid.
[26:06]So I never like had that urge or desire like ever.
[26:09]I never thought like I wanna be someone's mom
[26:12]but I do enjoy like when my friend started having babies,
[26:15]I do enjoy dipping in,
[26:18]giving the kid the noisy toy that they love.
[26:22]Oh, no.
[26:23]Oh, no.
[26:24]Now you have gone on like another list of people.
[26:28]On my mind, I can't even with people who give noisy gifts.
[26:33]No.
[26:34]I try to give like the good gift.
[26:37]I always loved when my friends had parents
[26:39]because their friends had kids or became parents
[26:43]because then they like would get super responsible
[26:46]and you could go to their house
[26:47]and they'd always have like good food and stuff.
[26:50]Like, I have benefited from other people being parents.
[26:54]But I never, I was like, it's too much work
[26:58]and stress and responsibility.
[27:01]I know myself better than that.
[27:03]I barely keep these cats alive.
[27:07]I can't, a human when there was school.
[27:11]I'd like sit at the table with them
[27:13]while they're doing their homework.
[27:14]And like, I was just like, am I illiterate?
[27:18]I don't understand anything you guys are talking about.
[27:21]How do you know how to do this?
[27:23]And they look at me like,
[27:25]anything we have in my heart, neighbors are math professors.
[27:32]And I was like, you better go over there.
[27:35]I don't know what to do.
[27:36]I don't even know how to add anymore.
[27:38]I'm just in like fractions.
[27:40]No.
[27:41]So as a stepmom, you get to be like,
[27:44]I don't understand fractions
[27:46]and then just walk away, which is perfect for me.
[27:49]That's nice.
[27:50]Although I have to say it's not fair
[27:51]because they kind of changed the whole math system on us.
[27:54]Like, what's that about?
[27:55]New math, I don't know.
[27:57]I don't know what was wrong with the old math,
[27:58]but now I can't help my daughter in like, you know,
[28:00]I'm like, whatever, you're on your own.
[28:02]And I'm like, I'll teach it to you my way.
[28:04]And this is how you'll understand it better.
[28:05]And she's like, no, that's not the way they taught us.
[28:09]What are you doing?
[28:09]So confusing.
[28:10]I'm like, I'm not, that's it.
[28:11]I did long division like by hand in some of these kids
[28:15]and they looked at me like, I was from, you know,
[28:19]the 16th century.
[28:21]They were just like, what is that?
[28:23]What are you doing?
[28:24]And I was like, dividing if you're like, no,
[28:28]they looked at me like, oh, you poor thing.
[28:30]And you think that's math.
[28:32]And I'm like, get out of here.
[28:35]I know what I'm doing.
[28:36]So funny.
[28:38]Oh my gosh.
[28:39]So what new stuff can I look forward to getting from you?
[28:42]What are you going to write?
[28:43]What are you working on in your little deadline times?
[28:46]What's next?
[28:48]You have another book coming.
[28:50]So because of the nature of what I do,
[28:52]it's always like there could be another book
[28:55]because I just write about, you know,
[28:57]the dumb stuff I think about.
[28:59]So my agent was on vacation and like last week
[29:04]another person on vacation.
[29:05]Right, everybody.
[29:06]And I was like, let's talk about another book.
[29:11]And so we're going to talk about it.
[29:14]But it'll be more of the same kind of thing.
[29:16]Like, being mentally ill and overthinking everything.
[29:22]You know, the stuff I always do.
[29:23]I had two cool jobs that I don't know how things
[29:28]are going to pan out because of the pandemic.
[29:31]I wrote on a couple of TV shows.
[29:34]One is work in progress, which is on show time.
[29:37]And then I was writing on Tuka and Birdie,
[29:39]which will be on Adult Swim now.
[29:42]So with TV production, I don't know when those are gonna get made
[29:46]but eventually they'll be out in the future.
[29:49]And I don't think I've told anyone this.
[29:52]So you're getting the scoop.
[29:54]Two million years ago wrote a pilot for my own show
[29:59]based on.
[30:00]I first booked meeting and we were at FX and then we ended up at Comedy Central and then
[30:06]things were just taken forever. But we did get a pilot order and so sometime when we're all vaccinated
[30:15]and can be in the open, we're going to shoot a pilot. Whether or not anyone will ever see it,
[30:21]I don't know, but we are going to shoot a pilot and then hopefully they'll let me make the show.
[30:28]And let me tell you, it's just 25 straight minutes of like poop and vomit jokes.
[30:35]So we're into that. So yeah, I have a lot, you know, I always have like a few things happening
[30:44]that I never have any details on. I'm like, I did this thing and eventually maybe you can see it.
[30:51]So yeah, I mean, I'll do another book in a couple of years. I can't wait.
[30:57]Maybe I'll write about how to do new math. Perfect. I had to do a podcast interview.
[31:04]This was great. Your setup is very beautiful. Thank you. I mean, this was great.
[31:10]Thank you. Do you have any parting advice to aspiring authors? Last question.
[31:14]Oh, yes, this is one thing like I am good and certain about one ride all the time. And like,
[31:21]I know it feels like pass air, whatever, but like start a blog or a newsletter or something that
[31:29]just gets you riding all the time, but don't put any pressure on yourselves. And my biggest piece of
[31:36]advice is to understand that your writing is not going to pay you right off the gate. Maybe
[31:44]you're brilliant. I mean, of course, Mark, but maybe you're brilliant enough to like get a million
[31:50]dollars on your first book that you ever write. I blogged on the internet for 10 years and no one
[31:58]gave me money for anything. And I had to like work at an animal hospital. It just doesn't happen
[32:06]really that way for anyone that you just like blow up right out of the gate. So I would say don't
[32:12]be afraid to work in obscurity for a long time until you make it, but keep writing all the time.
[32:21]I love it. All right. Well, I'm going to take my little tote bag and I'm going to head in the other
[32:25]room. And you're going to get all your belongings together and go on with your day. And I'll
[32:32]think of you as I shuffle back and forth. Please do. They'll be so great. Thank you for having me.
[32:38]You are a delight. You too. That makes me sound a thousand years old. I want to be like bit your
[32:44]coolest. Oh, but I don't know. It's like that was much better. I'm okay. I'm going to make I might make
[32:49]that an Instagram post. It's true. You're welcome. You too. Have a good day. You too. Bye.
[33:01]Bye. Bye. Thanks again to Jumpstart, whose campaign read for the record begins this fall.
[33:08]Go to read for the record.org to purchase Evelyn Delray is moving away to help donate and support a
[33:14]classroom in need and help Jumpstart reach their goal of achieving early literacy for everyone.
[33:19]Thanks for listening to this episode of Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books. Don't forget to follow
[33:24]me on Instagram at zebi Owens and at Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books. Also sign up for my
[33:29]newsletter at zebiowens.com and sign up for my virtual book club and meet lots of authors on Zoom
[33:34]every other week. Thanks so much to Steve and Ryan at Texture Sound for the Sound Editing
[33:39]and thank you to Morning Moon Productions for providing this fantastic intro and out trim music.