Kelsey Chittick, SECOND HALF: Surviving Loss and Finding Magic in the Missing
[0:01]Hi, this is Vivi Owens, and you're listening to the award-winning podcast.
[0:05]Moms don't have time to read books, and speaking of books, I have two of my own books
[0:10]coming out this spring and summer.
[0:12]Princess Charming is a picture book which debuts on April 19th, and bookends.
[0:17]A memoir of love, loss, and literature comes out on July 1st, and it is truly a labor of love.
[0:24]I hope you'll pre-order, order, and join me on tour as I go across the country.
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[0:35]at ziviowens, because I always post about everything.
[0:38]Enjoy the show!
[0:41]Kelsey Chiddick is the author of Second Half, Surviving Loss and Finding Meaning in the Missing.
[0:47]Kelsey is a writer, comedian, podcast host, and widow of NFL Super Bowl Champion Nate
[0:53]Hub Good Chiddick.
[0:54]Her memoir, Second Half, shows that life is worth living all in, especially during tragedy.
[1:01]Over the past 14 years, she has performed stand-up comedy all over Los Angeles and speaks
[1:06]it events around the country.
[1:08]She is the co-creator of Keep On, an inspiring and humorous podcast that explores how
[1:13]our greatest obstacles are now to be our greatest gifts.
[1:16]Although actually, I don't think she's doing that one anymore, because she is launching
[1:20]mom's don't have time to grieve, so that show is coming out very soon.
[1:25]Growing up in Florida, Kelsey was an accomplished student and athlete, an NCAA championship
[1:30]individual qualifier, and captain of the UNC Women's Swimming Team.
[1:34]She was married, as I said, to Super Bowl Champion Nate Hub Good Chiddick.
[1:38]Follow her here, listen to our amazing episode, and you will see why, at the end, I was
[1:42]like, you have to host mom's don't have time to grieve, and stay tuned because that will
[1:47]be coming out soon.
[1:48]And that will be coming out soon on the Zcast Network.
[1:50]Welcome, Kelsey, thanks for coming on mom's don't have time to read books.
[1:54]This is like my first in-person podcast, and I can't tell you how long.
[1:58]It's a disaster.
[1:59]I can't believe it worked out.
[2:00]I can't either.
[2:01]It's like meant to be.
[2:02]I wanted to meet you, and I was like, maybe one day I'll go visit my friends in New York,
[2:06]and I'll say, like, we should get coffee after we did the podcast, and then it was just
[2:09]the craziest thing when you said, wait, are you going to be an LA?
[2:13]Yeah.
[2:14]Life works out.
[2:15]I know.
[2:16]I started your book, and I was like, I need to read everywhere to this book.
[2:18]I have to sit down and like take my time, like I need to know your whole story.
[2:22]I'm so glad, because first of all, first of all, as a book, this is one of the best
[2:28]grief-related books.
[2:30]If you want to know what it's like to have the most devastating loss ever and survive,
[2:35]like this is the book.
[2:36]This is the book for anybody who thinks they can't move forward and doesn't know how
[2:41]they're going to do it, you did it, and you're here, and you're talking about it.
[2:44]It's amazing.
[2:45]That means a lot.
[2:47]And also, some people don't realize how hard it is to write a book like this that makes
[2:51]it sound like you're just talking to a friend.
[2:53]It's really hard to pull this off and make it also a cohesive narrative that's like
[2:57]the pulse of and everything.
[2:58]So anyway, those are my book things that as a book itself, it's amazing.
[3:03]And now it makes you fall in love with you as a person.
[3:05]Oh, thank you.
[3:06]So anyway, let me back up.
[3:08]Tell everybody what your book's about.
[3:10]Talk about him with Nate if you don't mind, sure.
[3:12]So I'll go back to beginning.
[3:14]I mean, I had a really good, easy life for a long time, really, really lucky to have
[3:19]a lot of love and resources growing up.
[3:21]And then I fast-forward swam in high school, ended up getting a scholarship at UNC Chapel
[3:26]Hill, and met this big, large, beefy football player from Allen Town, Pennsylvania that
[3:33]was not at all on my list of who I thought I would marry.
[3:37]But we fell in love my sophomore year, and he ended up playing football in the NFL.
[3:42]He played for about six years on different teams.
[3:44]He won a Super Bowl.
[3:45]And then at some point, we moved out to El Segundo, California, because one of our good friends
[3:51]lived in Manhattan Beach.
[3:52]And we started what I thought was a pretty perfect life.
[3:55]We had two kids, we had a boy and a girl.
[3:58]He was a social worker for a while.
[3:59]He comes from a service family, and I worked, and we just built this life out here, and
[4:05]we loved it.
[4:06]A couple of years starting to maybe two...
[4:08]By the way, not in trouble, yeah.
[4:10]The part about the second, I have to say, oh my gosh, you had the two kids, and you're
[4:16]so funny.
[4:17]This might be the funniest thing I've ever heard about, like women's retribution, right?
[4:21]I'm like, really, this is what I went through having kids, like you're going to complain
[4:25]for two seconds that you're going to have exactly like, no, no, no, I was like, this
[4:28]is such a badass woman.
[4:29]I love this chapter.
[4:31]I don't know.
[4:32]No, thank you.
[4:33]You know, there was sex.
[4:34]Yeah, he was a baby.
[4:35]I think all these, I think guys aren't in general.
[4:36]But I think the bigger you are, the more you can be a baby, because people don't question
[4:39]it, so he really went for it.
[4:40]But we had a great life, but around 2015, and I know every mom is overwhelmed and stressed,
[4:45]but I had this, like, this feeling of, like, something's off, and I couldn't put my finger
[4:50]on it, and I had anxiety, like, I think every woman does, you just don't want anything
[4:54]to happen to your kids, and you've got too much going on, and I was going back and forth
[4:58]to the East Coast for work, and I just, I wasn't right, and everyone's like, you have
[5:02]everything you want, my kids were like six and eight, and we had a really good life, but
[5:06]I just was like, something was telling me, like, you need to dig into the spiritual
[5:10]side of your life.
[5:11]You need to kind of buckle down and get some tools, because you aren't well.
[5:15]I would wake up in the middle night screaming for him, and I just was like, am I unraveling?
[5:20]Like, am I in that?
[5:21]Am I in that, like, 38-year-old weirdo that's just, like, going to have to be put away
[5:24]for a bit?
[5:25]And so I kind of went on a spiritual journey for about two years, reading a lot of
[5:29]Buddhist books, and just putting together a meditation practice.
[5:34]And at some point, we went to New York for a 40th birthday party of one of my girlfriends,
[5:38]and I had this, like, massive panic attack that was the scariest thing I've ever had.
[5:43]And I remember I had, I had read this book called Code of the Extraordinary Mind, and
[5:48]through a thousand different things I got invited to this trip in Jamaica, and my friend
[5:54]was able to get us to go, and we were going to go on the spiritual retreat, and kind
[5:58]of just dig into life, and who we wanted to be, and what we needed to, like, release.
[6:03]And I, this panic attack was all around that, like, I didn't want to leave my family.
[6:07]And my husband at the time was, like, listen, you have been crazy for a couple years.
[6:12]Like, I don't know what you're so worried about.
[6:14]Everything is okay.
[6:15]It will always be okay.
[6:16]You have to go to Jamaica.
[6:17]You need to be courageous.
[6:18]You can't just sit here and, like, try to keep everything together.
[6:22]And so on November 8th, I headed to this spiritual retreat.
[6:25]First time I'd ever left the country and never left my kids and my husband for sure.
[6:30]And I had the most amazing three days of my life.
[6:32]I remember when I landed, it was, like, something shifted, like, my whole world shifted,
[6:36]and I was present, and all the anxiety had gone away.
[6:39]And I just learned from great speakers and did great, you know, exercises, did with
[6:43]him off, and Stephen Cutler, and, like, just, just amazing things.
[6:48]And then the last day, I always cried this part, but the last day, I got a call.
[6:52]We were about to go on this, like, last venture out on a boat.
[6:55]And one of my friends called and said, hey, listen, don't worry about it.
[6:59]It took the kids to Skyzone, which is a trampoline park.
[7:02]And I was, like, who the hell takes their kids to Skyzone if there's not a birthday party.
[7:05]Like, nobody wants to, it's, like, Chuck E. Cheese, right?
[7:08]And they're, like, he fell, and we don't really know what's wrong, but they've taken
[7:12]him to UCLA.
[7:14]And in that moment, I was, like, he's dead.
[7:17]But my friends were like, nothing.
[7:18]There's nothing wrong.
[7:19]He's fine.
[7:20]Just, like, go on the boat.
[7:21]And I was, like, no way.
[7:22]So long story short, I ended up getting on the last plane in the last seat back to the United
[7:27]States, but on the cab ride from the hotel to the airport.
[7:32]My mom called and she handed the ear, doctor, my, you know, her cell phone.
[7:35]And he said, I'm so sorry we tried for 50 minutes to bring your husband back, but he
[7:40]just didn't make it.
[7:41]And he was 42 and he had jumped and he just jumped twice and died in front of my kids.
[7:46]Oh, Kelsey, you're just super dramatic, but I try to laugh about it because it's so ridiculously
[7:51]awful.
[7:52]And I do feel I did stand up for a comedy for a long time.
[7:55]So I do feel like Nate left me with, like, a lot of punch lines, just to be kind because
[7:59]it's so ridiculous.
[8:00]And so ridiculous.
[8:01]It's so awful.
[8:02]And so the way you wrote about it too, like the way that the day unraveled for you and
[8:08]you and your friends, if you're wet bathing shoes in the cab, like on the plane and finding
[8:13]out.
[8:14]And I don't know.
[8:16]And then having to take the flight and even how you talk about how your memory is blocked
[8:19]out.
[8:20]So much of that day.
[8:21]And people weren't helping you.
[8:22]And you were vomiting and like, I always, you know, I think of myself as a helpful person.
[8:29]But I know many times I walk past people that are like, look upset or something.
[8:33]And now I never do because I don't think we realize that we can help strangers more than
[8:38]we think.
[8:39]We always think like, oh, I won't get involved.
[8:40]But yeah, when I was on the plane and I knew he was gone, it was a long flight back.
[8:44]Oh, my gosh.
[8:45]And to California to make it, it was like, oh, you had to go through Texas or something.
[8:49]Yeah.
[8:51]Yeah, it was the, it was the most surreal experience for me of my life that, that entire
[8:55]plane ride.
[8:56]Because it was weird.
[8:57]I got these nine hours to kind of really go through horrible trauma, horrible shock.
[9:04]And then, and I think that you read the story about the woman on the plane.
[9:07]Yeah.
[9:08]The angel.
[9:09]Yeah.
[9:10]So I had this beautiful woman at some point, nobody was helping me.
[9:13]And I get it because I think sometimes people just act a fool on a plane or they're drunk
[9:17]or nobody wants to help them.
[9:18]There's like, Lord, please let this crazy person sitting next to me, like calm down or
[9:22]pass out.
[9:23]But this beautiful Jamaican woman stood up when the seatbelt light went off and she put
[9:27]her hand on my shoulder and her hand on my forehead and she said, you know, baby girl,
[9:31]I don't know what you're going through.
[9:33]Or what awaits you on the other side of this plane.
[9:36]But so many of us are praying for you and so many people are thinking about you and God
[9:40]is with you.
[9:41]And I need you to slow your breathing down, baby girl, and I need you to figure out what
[9:45]you're going to do when you in this plane lands.
[9:49]And then the last thing she said is you're stronger than you think.
[9:51]I mean, if that isn't an angel, oh my gosh.
[9:55]So the plane ride was this like almost cocoon phase of.
[10:00]Wait a minute. Did this just happen and I was going to tell my kids so they knew that he had fallen and
[10:06]But they had moved them out of the room pretty quickly
[10:08]And so they kept FaceTiming me like when I was in Texas like mom dad's okay, right and and I knew what you gonna say
[10:14]So I said he's he's not doing great, but we'll figure it out when I get there. I'm so sorry. I'm not there and
[10:20]Yeah, that was like the worst day ever. Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry
[10:24]I know we were just talking how I'm so sorry is such a pathetic thing like there's no like until we find something better
[10:29]Yeah, we'll use it. Oh my gosh. So in the book
[10:32]You not only write about the you have like first of all the play-by-play everything that happens next and who came into help and like how do you
[10:40]How did you remember did were you right? You weren't right at the day? Yeah, you were ready
[10:43]I turned every day. Okay. I journaled every day because I was I had to get it out
[10:48]And so but it was sloppy just like I just wake up first thing and I would just be like I hate my life
[10:53]I cannot believe this. This is what happened. Thank God this girl arrived today
[10:58]Think of this happened. I'm not gonna do this. I don't want to go to the morgue. I don't understand what's happening and so I pretty much
[11:04]wrote every day
[11:06]Wow, most of it most of the time glad you did because you're like in it with you
[11:11]Right, there's no way you would remember any of this no way or you would revisit revising your mind or you'd have it
[11:16]It would look less
[11:17]It would either look too shiny or not. I think to I've spent my whole life trying to be successful and liked and approved of and this was the first time in my life
[11:26]I didn't give a shot with people thought and I was like this book is for me to remember what we made it through and for my kids and my grandkids to know the story of us
[11:32]And so it was I always say it's like the first authentic thing I've ever done that it wasn't
[11:39]Underneath the guise of wanting approval
[11:41]Like so I think what what happens with this book is it's really just me telling a story without any worry about how it's perceived
[11:50]Wow, which was refreshing
[11:52]I mean some of the stuff that you talk about too is like I feel like it's stuff that my people might want to edit out
[11:59]Right, they're like, yeah, it's particularly but so important for other people to hear because people think it anyway like when you were all
[12:07]In the nights where you were all like how like and not sure you'd get through the nights and the oh my god
[12:11]The way you even wrote about it, but when you got to a point where you're like, you know what?
[12:15]I think I'm just gonna like kill myself like it's and you're like well
[12:18]How much motion can they drink?
[12:20]You know, they're not gonna want to finish that
[12:22]You know, like I could just hear it because I could like see myself making the same things, right?
[12:26]Like how are you really good?
[12:28]You know, oh, I don't really like guns. That's not gonna work, you know
[12:31]Shoot this, you know, no, it's not you know, I'm not gonna drive off a cliff
[12:34]So progressive. Yeah too much
[12:36]But you have me every mother has those thoughts like this isn't gonna work
[12:41]How are we gonna do this and
[12:43]Yeah, there was I I remember when I started to have right put this suicide chapter together when I'm my good friends
[12:49]Father had just killed himself and I said, you know, I know I'm gonna she said are you gonna get in trouble for this?
[12:54]Can you get in trouble for this? I'm like, no, no, no
[12:57]We have trouble because we're not allowed to talk about it
[13:00]And actually talking about it and I I don't know that I really wanted to kill myself or my children, right?
[13:05]No, I know I know what people it's it's a hopelessness that we all feel and if we could talk about it
[13:10]We might be able to feel less embarrassed about how awful it is at the moment without also being like putting locking people away right away
[13:19]I was just like hey listen, this isn't working for us right and we need to get to Nate. I mean that was my feeling like
[13:25]Life doesn't work without him. It was a baby when I met him when I was 19. I had no
[13:31]Idea how to do it without him
[13:34]I was just lost and I and the kids were too and then a couple weeks later Jack was like I would let if I had a gun
[13:40]I would kill myself and I was so glad that we had talked about it in a light way
[13:45]We use humor a lot in our family to lighten
[13:48]I think joy and pain are kind of right on the edge of each other and humor
[13:52]For me is one of the best ways to talk about things that are hard
[13:56]Feel like comedians are the last people that can really say the awful things that we need to discuss in our society
[14:01]So we do a lot of
[14:04]You know, I can't believe that just jumped and died. It's a nice way to be able to
[14:08]Bring him up and hold it lightly and then laugh and then cry
[14:13]and you also have sort of the trajectory of his entire career both
[14:17]As you went through it with him from the early years through the end through the aftermath of being in the NFL
[14:22]through the physical
[14:24]Manifestations and even like his mother not wanting to play and not being able to watch and you have all the
[14:31]Investigative stuff. I don't want to like give stuff away
[14:33]I don't know what you like to talk about or not from the ending of the book, but
[14:38]How exactly football damaged him and in even things that people don't realize like the fact that your heart might get stronger and bigger and like can't pump
[14:45]Effectively and like what you should be on look at like it would have been so easy
[14:48]I was literally saying this to cry. I was like, maybe you should get this thing. This echo card
[14:52]Yeah, percent right like they give you EKGs on it physical, but they don't give you the echo card you grab
[14:56]I'm like, maybe you should just get that every year. What if what if you're electrical like how hard is that?
[15:01]Why don't why doesn't every athlete? I don't know so there's all this stuff that makes you want to
[15:05]Make systemic changes in sports to protect all these yeah, man
[15:10]Particularly men. Yeah, I think too like guys don't realize in a lot of guys just carry weight and they're bigger and they're like, oh
[15:17]It's okay. Well, it's the the problem is the bigger you are the heart of your heart has to work and so what we just have to do is
[15:25]continue to
[15:26]Talk about the different medical tests that we can do. I think what happens is in our society
[15:31]We have a lot of like parameters
[15:33]So nobody tested Nate no one did an echo because he was 42. You don't do an echo tell your 45
[15:37]So there's all these rules, but yeah, I think with football players and I was just talking to your husband about this
[15:43]I am torn because I mean the Super Bowl was so fun just now and obviously Nate won with the Rams in 99
[15:49]And it was like a very emotional cool day
[15:51]But there's a really big price that people are playing for the joy of this sport
[15:56]And maybe that's just how life is maybe there are trade-offs. I would never let my kid play
[16:01]Ever I'm not gonna say that I don't think there should be football because I do see so much joy
[16:06]And I met so many amazing people and it's been my whole life
[16:09]But I would might what I will stand behind firmly is kids do not need to be in helmets
[16:15]They just don't they can play flag football all the way through until at least they're 16 17
[16:21]But we have this culture of people putting little people who don't even know how to like do math
[16:26]And we're banging their brains and they're doing pop Warner and they're out there
[16:31]You know anything that has had to head collisions
[16:33]I just don't know that we need to do that. I think mom should kind of stand up and go
[16:37]Hey guys
[16:37]Well, you can play in college if you sign off and the sign off would be like let us let you meet some people that have CTE
[16:43]Let us let you meet some people that have are really sick after playing football and that you don't see them
[16:49]You don't see you only see like the guys that are on TV and the guys that have a lot of money
[16:52]But there's a lot of people that play four or five six years that aren't well
[16:56]And I know because I know I talked to them all the time so I don't have an answer
[17:00]I'm some of the best men. I know played football and some of the men that are hurting the most like football
[17:06]I don't have an answer, but I do say like try to keep your kids out of helmets
[17:10]I feel like my son actually plays three sports all of which require
[17:13]Well, it's not but it's not head-to-head like what's the cross he's playing lacrosse hockey and football
[17:19]I know I know I know I debate it too because he I know I feel like I'm like people looking me like what you're letting your
[17:27]Sun play football and I'm like well, I love it. I know but I don't know. I feel like he's in his positions. Okay
[17:33]I don't know. I make all these excuses. Here's a thank you. There are a lot of not going to call it
[17:38]Yeah, he's not he's not going to NFL like 100% and I think you you've got to like everything in life has cost of benefits
[17:47]They played a long time and he played a position
[17:51]Is what's your son about to say a defensive tackle? No, no, yeah that you don't what you what I again
[17:58]I'm nothing everybody. I don't know. I'm the same personally. I would don't want people on the line
[18:02]That are doing this all day. Yeah, and now I think to may play 20 years ago
[18:07]And they were to do the drills where you drop down bang each other like and then drop you like gladiators none of that is allowed anymore
[18:13]So they have changed things. It's very people are very aware the concussion legacy foundation is trying to get even football players are going to
[18:21]John Elway they're saying like look at me. I'm not well. Yeah, keep these kids out of helmets as long as it can't help your son
[18:26]He's 14
[18:30]No, no, he just and no he's not a yeah
[18:32]I mean, I think 14 like ninth grade he'll play a couple years. Yes. Well, don't learn listen
[18:37]I've torn to and my son was just my son just said no, but I think partly my son didn't even want you a lot of
[18:43]Yeah, it's loaded for us. Yeah, it's loaded for us
[18:46]My gosh, so back to some of the other stuff in the book too is like the power of
[18:51]Your friends and your family your girlfriends your friend Michelle like all these people who showed up for you
[18:57]Not just in the beginning, but over and over and over and your aunt
[19:00]You're like like your support system and how you were just like yes, I need it. Yes
[19:04]I'm taking this help
[19:05]I'm in it
[19:06]Tell me about that and like how you feel about it now
[19:09]Like even from the people in your community in your neighborhood who were like, yeah, just you feel safe sleeping here come on over
[19:15]Yeah, your people. I mean a lot of that it was my husband
[19:19]He was the kindest most present human being I've ever met like he was different
[19:24]And sometimes I think those people go early he was he was just not he was not a typical football player
[19:30]He was not a typical man father or husband
[19:33]He was and he had a whole dark side too when he was in college
[19:36]He was a crazy and a partier
[19:38]But once he had kids he really had this desire to just listen to people like whoever was in front of him was the most
[19:44]Important thing in the world and so when you were around him
[19:46]You felt so seen and so loved and so valued and he just was an encourager of
[19:51]Everyone from the garbage man to the dry cleaner to the mayor
[19:55]He had time for everybody and it was it was so cool. I was so proud to be his wife cuz I
[20:00]not like that. Well, selfish and self-consumed. I like to relax. I don't like to get annoyed with
[20:05]people. And he just is love. And so when he died, the outpouring of support for us was enormous.
[20:14]So a lot of that was just the goodness of his heart. And then I luckily, and we just talked about
[20:19]this. I grew up on the East Coast, where friendships are long and deep. I live in LA now. It's
[20:25]such a different vibe. I love it out here so much, but there is something about growing up.
[20:29]And actually in my town, we have that because it's like a little enclave that feels a little
[20:33]bit East Coastie. But those girls have been with me since I was like three or four. And we grew up
[20:38]together. We know everybody's dirty secrets. We know everyone's family drama. And they just
[20:43]showed up. They showed up. My neighborhood, all the women that I raised my babies, was showed up.
[20:48]And I think everyone was in shock too because Nate was like the strong Super Bowl champion.
[20:53]So they started being like, whoa, it was it was it reverberated because he was the one telling everyone
[20:58]to stay healthy. He was the one that's telling everyone like, be a better person. And so we felt like
[21:03]we kind of lost like the the keeper of joy. But still to this day, people have showed up for me
[21:09]and continue to do so. Now I'm just trying to return the favor for other people. I'm just trying to
[21:14]be more like Nate, which is hard. The way you talked about having to parent through grief too,
[21:20]you're like, I didn't get to just like, pick up and go to a retreat for like,
[21:24]tip and love. What did you say? You want to go have sex with a stranger? Yeah. That would be nice.
[21:30]When do I get to have sex with a stranger? No, I guess not. You probably love. It's like,
[21:33]cook, go to school. Yeah, you cry. Did you think about naming the book that I did? But then I was like,
[21:39]I don't want to just do that. But I do love that idea that like, here's the good part about grief
[21:43]with the children. You have to keep going. The bad part about grief with the children is you have to
[21:47]keep going. It is so physical. At least sudden death for me was so physically, I don't even know the word.
[21:54]I was so tired physically. The kids were little still nine and 12. I mean, they felt little still.
[22:00]And so I just, I don't know. I always think that there's some grief books that are,
[22:03]they're hard to read because it's either for me, it was either like, you can be in your grief
[22:08]forever. And I'm like, who has time for that? Like, I want to have a happy life. I want my kids to
[22:11]have a joyful life. I don't want this to define us. And every person that I talk to that lost
[22:16]a parent, like in the 50s, or like a generation before us, every one of them was like, I just
[22:21]wish the parent that had stayed alive had been joyful. Like, I didn't just lose my dad. I lost my
[22:26]mom too. It didn't just lose my dad, but you know, my mom, but my dad couldn't function. So I was
[22:32]very early on committed to being like, oh, no, no, no, we are going to have a joyful life. I have
[22:37]no clue how. And I'm going to be happy. And we're all going to thrive. And we're going to
[22:42]Nate's going to come back in our life in some way. I haven't found him yet. But we are going to do this
[22:48]for him. He worked too hard. He was too good. He's too amazing for us to just fall apart.
[22:54]And so I really, I worked on that. And then I did like every type of therapy possible. And that's
[23:00]only because you have resources. And I think everybody deserves resources when they're going through
[23:05]grief because it makes a difference. Because if you try to muscle through grief, forget about it.
[23:10]You won't make it. You have to be strategic about your healing. So you have to have practices.
[23:16]So it's not just like a wish and a prayer. Like you have to be like, this is what I'm going to do
[23:21]every day to get better. And I think for me meditation and writing was it. And it's not a choice. You
[23:28]don't get to be like, I don't know if I want to meditate today. It's like sit down. And so for a while,
[23:32]I would just sit almost maybe an hour a day. And again, that's a luxury. But I would do 20
[23:37]minutes or in the car. Just watching your brain tell stories about how you got screwed or this
[23:43]isn't fair or why did it happen? And you have to be like, nope, nope, like come back to this
[23:49]moment right now. We're okay. They kids are okay. We're at school. We're alive. Do I feel sad? Yes.
[23:54]Is life sad completely? No. Don't tell a story. So I spend a lot more time in quiet now,
[24:00]a lot more time just being. So instead of when I get anxious, like cleaning everything, like I
[24:05]like to do and just like wiping down counters, I just try to sit down and be like, calm yourself.
[24:11]And I don't really have much anxiety anymore. It's amazing. But I do a lot less.
[24:17]I don't read 15 books a week. That was tough. I mean, I'm going to start. That's a lot though.
[24:22]Yeah, I don't read 15 books every time. How do you feel with it being a book? Like, that's
[24:29]it's a do you feel terrified at all? Do you feel like, no, I feel so relieved. And the story's there
[24:35]and that I told it truthfully and that, you know, I self published so I didn't have anybody's
[24:41]input, which I was really concerned about because at first, when I shipped it out a little bit,
[24:45]they were like, well, let's do it like this. And I was like, oh, wait, this is a really personal story.
[24:49]So it was really nice to just know that like, this is the truth. And my kids, my kids don't
[24:54]haven't read it. They don't want to read it. But I wish I had published it. It's already out now.
[25:00]They were right. Yeah. Yeah. Launchpad. Oh, you're with them. No. Launchpad is. Yeah.
[25:03]And David. Yeah. Yeah. She was just on my podcast. Oh, really? Yeah. Weird. Yeah. Yeah.
[25:09]That's why I'm in it. I had an amazing editor and an amazing project manager. And it was just
[25:12]the two of us. And we just wrote, and I mean, I wrote it in Google Docs and we went back and forth.
[25:17]And it was very organic. And I just, we've just put the chapter together and they helped me do
[25:23]things like put it chronologically. How do you, because I didn't know how to, I've always
[25:28]done stand up. I've always written stuff, but I didn't know how to write a book and how to chronologically
[25:32]go back and forth in between present and like our relationship. And so I had an amazing editor who
[25:38]helped me just, like she'd be like, nope, that doesn't work. And nobody wants to hear that, but that
[25:42]was long-winded. But it was, it was a wonderful experience actually. And I know my kids are going to
[25:48]hate parts of it. And I just told them that you can write your own book because we all had our
[25:52]own experiences. And I know some of these things, my daughter said, but I did not do that.
[25:56]And they have their truth too. But for me, that's, that's how it felt this first three years.
[26:02]What are you most like wishing will happen with this book? Like, do you want to hear from people
[26:09]who have gone through it and said, like, now this is easier for me or people like, what are some
[26:15]of your wish list things that like, or maybe just the fact that you got it out is, oh God, you know,
[26:20]I know I have big dreams. I have, because I remember wanting a book that I could like laugh and
[26:26]cry, but I just wanted it not to be so heavy, but I wanted it to be real. And so many of the books
[26:31]either had some type of like religious mend or some like sad bend or like, I don't know, I just
[26:37]wanted to know I wanted, I wanted to, I think that I think it's ridiculous. I think that when you're
[26:43]having someone here and they're just gone, it's just ridiculous. And so, and I think most of the
[26:48]winners are people that I talked to are like, yeah, it's mind blowing. It's even more crazy than it is
[26:53]sad at sometimes. Like you're like, did that just happen? How did this all happen? And then how are
[26:58]people still outstanding? And how are people who are the people that are fighting for joy? And
[27:03]you can see like terrible things have happened. What are they doing? We have a society where we kind
[27:07]of, we encourage like a lot of emotion and I used to be that way. But now there's also like,
[27:12]it's okay to be like, nope, like, I'm going to like, I feel this and I'm going to make a spot.
[27:16]And then I'm going to, I'm going to keep going because we all only have this one life. And I,
[27:21]I agree all the time. I cry all the time, but I weave it in and out of my regular life because I
[27:26]have a good life. And I don't want this to be my own story. So I hope the book, I would love
[27:32]to talk about it. I love to talk to people about it. I like to talk to, and everyone's lost
[27:36]someone. And I think especially the last two years with COVID, grief is a topic at hand. And we
[27:42]are realizing we don't really know how to do that in this country. And our generation didn't
[27:46]really lose them. And the people, the other generations had wars and people got sick. And now
[27:52]we've had this like 50 years of a lot of us not having personal grief or sudden that,
[27:57]whereas I think our grandparents probably had horrible experiences. So I would love to talk about it.
[28:02]I'd love to write a book. They call it overtime or something about like being 40. And then starting
[28:09]having sex with strangers now, just kidding. But like, what does it look like when you're like,
[28:14]completely changes at 40 when what he planned is totally different. And what are the gifts that come
[28:21]from that you never expected? And what are the hard parts? I would love to just talk about that
[28:25]because I think a lot of people get divorced, which feels like hugely like lost, very similar.
[28:30]A lot of people just don't, their life doesn't look the way they thought it would. When they
[28:35]get to that point or motherhood ends and you're like, what am I doing with my life? So I just kind
[28:40]of want to talk about that. And just having keep having honest conversations, but with joy and humor
[28:47]and grief almost and what advice would you give to somebody who's trying to write a book?
[28:53]It's just right. And I hate to say that because now, you know, I think we just don't try to do it for
[28:58]anybody else. I know that's really hard. If you're an author and not sure business, I guess you have to
[29:04]try to write a good book, but I feel like trying to write a good book is the problem, right? Just
[29:09]write the book. And I also think what I learned is the editing process is the most beautiful thing.
[29:16]So just get it down. And if I'm going to tell a terrible secret, but a lot of this, I would
[29:20]I walked a lot after you died, but I would dictate it into my phone and then copy it into Google docs.
[29:26]And then I would have the story down that I had to type it. And then I could go back and start to
[29:32]really take out the words, but I didn't have to sit at the computer and just come up with something.
[29:38]I could just like have I do better when I'm moving and part of being a writer is hard because you're
[29:42]stationary. So how do we kind of get our bodies moving? And so with iPhones now, it's really
[29:49]easy to dictate in whole ideas and comics do this all the time, but write your chapter on a walk.
[29:55]And then you'll look at it and be like 80% of that is garbage, but that right there, I'm going to
[29:59]build on that.
[30:00]And then you have your work for the week, you know,
[30:02]I love that.
[30:03]Yeah, great.
[30:04]Anything.
[30:05]Any books that you feel like helped you through so much
[30:08]that you would, yeah, I mean, untethered soul
[30:11]when things fall apart, home with God.
[30:14]I mean, I went on a spiritual religious journey.
[30:16]I wanted to know what every different,
[30:18]you know, I just think there's so many different things
[30:20]you can pull from and create whatever,
[30:21]you know, works best for you,
[30:24]trying to think what else.
[30:25]There's a spiritual solution to every problem.
[30:28]Yeah, those are probably,
[30:29]and I still get back to those.
[30:31]So people who now hopefully have all fallen love with you.
[30:35]Also hearing the story and want to support you and help
[30:37]or do whatever and where can I find you?
[30:39]What would be most useful to you?
[30:41]Yeah, my website is www this second half book,
[30:44]not that.
[30:45]www second halfbook.com.
[30:47]You can buy it on Amazon,
[30:48]you can buy it on Barnes & Noble.
[30:50]You can buy it pages and then have a page, yeah.
[30:53]Amazing.
[30:54]All right.
[30:55]Thank you so much.
[30:56]Thank you for having me.
[30:57]Thanks for having me.
[30:58]So great.
[30:59]So great.
[31:00]Thanks for listening to this episode of Moms.
[31:03]Don't have time to read books.
[31:05]Don't forget to follow me on Instagram,
[31:07]at Zibi Owens and at Moms.
[31:08]Don't have time to read books.
[31:10]Also sign up for my newsletter at Zibi Owens.com
[31:12]and sign up for my virtual book club
[31:14]and meet lots of authors on Zoom every other week.
[31:17]Thanks so much to Steve and Ryan.
[31:18]In fact, texture sound for the sound editing.
[31:20]And thank you to Morning Moon Productions
[31:22]for providing this fantastic intro and out trim music.