Sheleana Aiyana, BECOMING THE ONE: Heal Your Past, Transform Your Relationship Patterns, and Come Home to Yourself
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[0:42]Shaylayana Ayana is the author of Becoming the One.
[0:45]Heal your past, transform your relationship problems, and come home to yourself.
[0:49]Shaylayana is the founder of Rising Woman, a growing community of more than three million readers.
[0:54]Her training and immersion in couples facilitation, inherited family trauma, family systems,
[0:58]conscious relationship, somatic healing, and plant medicines inform her holistic approach to seeing
[1:03]relationship as a spiritual path.
[1:05]More than 30,000 women in 146 countries have taken her flagship program, Becoming the One.
[1:11]In her new book, she tricks you on a transformational, inner work journey to heal
[1:16]lifeline relationship patterns and reclaim power over your life.
[1:19]Shaylayana lives with her husband, Ben, on the unceded land.
[1:24]I can't, unfortunately, pronounce any of these.
[1:27]The unceded land of the hool, cubingum, and wasane, sea-speaking, Coast Salish peoples,
[1:34]now known as Salt Spring Island, BC.
[1:37]Sorry about that.
[1:39]Miss pronunciation, Shaylayana.
[1:41]Welcome, Shaylayana.
[1:42]Thank you so much for coming on moms.
[1:44]Don't have time to read books to discuss Becoming the One.
[1:47]Heal your past, transform your relationship patterns, and come home to yourself.
[1:50]Hi, thanks for having me.
[1:52]Oh, it's my pleasure.
[1:53]You start off your book being very open about your mother and her history, you and your history,
[2:01]and how you arrived at this place in your 20s, basically,
[2:04]where you turned everything around and ended up starting this amazing community.
[2:09]Talk a little about, well, really all of that.
[2:12]But I'm also really just curious how you think,
[2:17]how are you able to really effectively pivot and turn into a helpful guru of sorts,
[2:23]versus the person who might have not survived all of that and gone into a totally different room.
[2:30]So what do you think happened and tell me a little more about your story?
[2:34]Yeah.
[2:35]Well, I think for me, it really was faded.
[2:40]This felt like something that I was here to do kind of from the beginning.
[2:44]When I was really little, obviously, I started having really intense experiences.
[2:49]And I sort of went through all of the traumas you could go through throughout my young childhood and teenage years,
[2:57]and even my early 20s.
[2:59]And there was just something in me that really was saying, this isn't even about you.
[3:03]Like, this is about learning.
[3:05]This is about integrating and you're here to serve.
[3:09]And I got that message really, really clearly, quite in a very intense time when I was in a really abusive relationship.
[3:18]And things were really bad.
[3:20]And I remember looking in the mirror at my own reflection and I could barely recognize myself.
[3:24]And then I just heard, you know, this is your path. You're meant to work with women.
[3:28]And of course, that it would be about, you know, 10 years before I ever did.
[3:33]But there was just a spark. There was something in me.
[3:36]And I don't, I don't consider myself a guru, but I do feel like I have had the opportunity in this lifetime to alchemize those, those teachings that have come to me through heartache, through loss, through tragedy, and to be of service through that.
[3:55]And so often I have learned in my own life, and I know this helps other people is when we're going through something hard.
[4:02]If we have the capacity to be of service a little bit, it can really help draw us out of that bitterness out of that heartache and into connection into community again.
[4:12]So that is part of my aim is to, to support others on that journey as well, to find their own path through their, you know, painful experiences.
[4:23]Well, that's beautiful. So great. You could hear the calling and then listen to it and all of that, which is amazing.
[4:31]Are you comfortable talking about some of the things that did it actually did happen in the past, like, or is it too painful to know.
[4:40]You know, I sort of have this rule with myself, you know, it's one of the alchemy principles of containment right you, you keep something in and you hold it and you let it alchemize and you don't really disperse the energy you don't share until it has had the power to transform or you get the medicine.
[4:56]So for me, anything that's in my book is something that I have really moved through and then I feel a sense of completion and piece with.
[5:03]If there's ever anything that I'm going through personally that I haven't fully worked through then I just keep it to myself.
[5:09]So everything in the book is it's it's stuff that I really feel has moved through me in a really beautiful way. Obviously, you know, the first story I think you're referring to is when I was like three years old.
[5:21]My mom battled alcoholism. She had severe complex PTSD. She had a very, very traumatizing life. Some of the most horrific abuse you could imagine that she endured.
[5:31]So, you know, she didn't have the emotional capacity or even the cognitive capacity to mother me. She was essentially a child with a child.
[5:40]And was she was it from someone she knew or was this like a crime or.
[5:45]It was family. It was like very incessant. Like she was never muddered. She had the worst, you know, you can't even call it an upbringing and and even even hearing her stories was traumatizing for me, you know, that's how intense it was.
[6:01]And so just the fact that she's here and that I'm here, you know, it's such a gift. But really, she didn't have any tools.
[6:09]And so from very, very early on, we were in chaos a lot together. She was very young. She was, you know, 22, which, you know, common age back then everybody's having babies at 2022.
[6:22]When she just didn't have the skills, she didn't have a community. And so there was a point where she just packed me up and dropped me off at a foster home in the middle of the night.
[6:32]And I just remember screaming and wanting her to come back and just watching her drive away.
[6:38]And that was the first experience that I had of abandonment in that foster home. I actually endured sexual abuse.
[6:45]And then my life just sort of went on, you know, I ended up with my mom for a few years and then I would be back in a foster home.
[6:52]And she would be, you know, in the hospital for months and months at a time for her mental health.
[6:57]And so it was really unstable. Like I never knew consistency. I didn't know what it meant to stay in one place for, you know, even a few months.
[7:07]And so you can imagine as an adult how my relationship patterns looked as someone who was wired for chaos and constant upheaval. It was like the moment something was stable.
[7:17]Everything in my body was telling me to like shake things up sabotage something run, you know, things aren't supposed to feel stable and calm.
[7:25]And so that's sort of how my life looked for most of my early years, very, very tumultuous.
[7:33]By the way, I'm so I'm just so sorry that your family has had to go through all of that and and you being sort of born into this untenable situation.
[7:43]Finding a way forward. It's really impressive when tell me about starting rising woman and making developing this into a thing. I all of your advice is like so amazing.
[7:56]I'm like, ooh, I could use this one right here. This is like maybe my mom was this way and maybe might.
[8:01]So I feel like there's definitely something for everyone in any type of relationship in here.
[8:06]So of course your message is you have to be yourself first, right? Like you have to work on yourself before you can work on any relationship you're in. So tell me about that whole piece getting started.
[8:17]Yeah, when I was in my very early 20s, I met somebody who seemed different than all of the other people that I had met who were really abusive and so that was good enough for me.
[8:27]And so we, you know, it was a strange dynamic. I almost feel like it was just this karmic relationship that I had to have in order to see all of my wounds front and center and to really be catalyzed into this because it was interesting right away.
[8:43]I didn't feel this strong attraction or chemistry to this person, but I just kept going forward and he's from a different country and we ended up getting married.
[8:52]And like we didn't propose there was no romance. It was very like, okay, well, we need to be able to stay together in the country. So we'll just get married.
[9:00]At the same time, we're talking about, you know, if things don't get better into yours. Let's break up. It was very strange, you know, when you look back you're like, why did I do that, but then when you are in the place that you are now often it all makes sense.
[9:13]And so it makes sense for me now that that needed to happen.
[9:17]I had a really tumultuous painful ending as well. There was a lot of betrayal. He took off with somebody who was a friend of ours just completely disappeared. So like I went from living with this person to not knowing where they were.
[9:33]I had a business, all of my money. I had had a six figure business. It was just gone. I gained like 30 pounds in a month from stress. All my hormones crashed.
[9:43]And then my cat, my soul cat just disappeared and I thought was the one thing I was like, okay, I have at least I have my cat and I'll like preserve this relationship.
[9:53]And I was like, okay, everything is gone. And I'm left to pick up the pieces.
[10:00]and there was this moment where he had come to pick up some stuff and she was in the passenger seat
[10:06]and I ran outside in my bare feet you know when I was yelling at him and you know I was very upset
[10:13]and and then as they drove off all of a sudden I had this huge flood memory of being three
[10:20]and watching my mom drive away and then it was just this pure
[10:25]overwhelmed and relief at the same time because I realized that moment that it wasn't about
[10:32]him and that I actually didn't need him to come back and I didn't need him to ever change because
[10:37]this was all my history just coming up for healing and that was comforting for me because so often
[10:45]when we go through these deep losses or when we have these really painful relationships we make
[10:50]it's so much about that person like oh there are twin flame there are soulmate we need them
[10:54]we'll never find love like that again but when it hurts that bad it's often because it's bringing
[11:00]something up very old in us and for me that was like okay this is your this is your moment
[11:06]and so I just went in you know I went into the wound and I realized that I had never actually
[11:11]attended to all of that grief like I had never looked at it I had just said oh well it's you know I
[11:17]just went through a lot when I was young and and then I just moved on and people would say to me
[11:22]they would say like how are you not suffering from addiction how are you not living on the streets
[11:27]like all of the things that you've been through how are you fine and I would just be like oh well I'm
[11:32]just fine you know but I wasn't it was like everything in my life was disconnected and I was
[11:40]disconnected and so I needed that jolt to wake up and so at that point I began doing deep dives
[11:49]into you know mother room work shadow work a lot of ceremonial work and I didn't date I just
[11:55]focused on me and really what you know I wanted to create and I saw so many of my own walls and
[12:01]my own blocks and how shut down I was and how unable I was to even like access my true vulnerability
[12:09]which I hadn't really owned until that point you know I was only in my early 20s at this point
[12:14]and then through that process I ended up meeting my husband then and you know here we are now and
[12:20]so it was many years later that I ended up you know starting rising woman really like I had
[12:26]bought the domain and I was paying it off on a payment plan and you know I was writing but you know
[12:32]years later I really started to bring it out into the world and in 2018 I went on to Instagram
[12:38]and started sharing there and then it just took a life of its own wildfire. Wow yeah and now
[12:46]you've done classes and taught and reached like hundreds of thousands of women what has that been
[12:52]like for you? It's been amazing you know I felt ready when I stepped into it and I feel more and
[12:59]more committed and devoted every day and you know at first I really didn't imagine that it was
[13:06]going to grow to millions of people and that wasn't a goal it wasn't like oh I'm here to build
[13:11]an empire I was just I'm here to serve and to do what I'm here to do and then it just sort of
[13:17]skyrocketed and my writing really resonated and I would receive so many heartfelt messages
[13:23]and I still do every day I think because so many of us actually have a similar story to me like my
[13:28]story is not unique at all but we just don't talk about these things very openly like a lot of
[13:33]people keep their stories close and they think that they're alone in the world and so when we
[13:38]find out that we're not it's so comforting and so I have been creating sort of containers for
[13:46]people to explore their relationship to themselves as a vehicle for conscious relationship which is what
[13:53]you know my book becoming the one is based on the program becoming the one which is really this
[13:58]premise of you know relationship is everything and the relationship to yourself is priority here
[14:05]because when you know you when you're in deep relationship and devotion with you
[14:10]then you can also express yourself vulnerably authentically you can ask for what you need and want
[14:17]you can have real conversations if you know your values and you know if people are actually
[14:22]in alignment with you or not like how can we make decisions on who to be in deep relationship with
[14:28]if we don't even know who we are what we stand for right and of course these things are always
[14:32]changing but there's a baseline you know and the more disconnected we are from ourselves the more
[14:38]we're going to just choose people based on you know the butterflies or you know some old pattern
[14:45]that we're attracted to so my work is really in just helping people find that anchor back to
[14:50]themselves so how many women are in relationships versus women hoping to be in relationships and
[14:58]women in relationships that are kind of toxic or that need a little help or a lot of help like
[15:02]who is your clientele who's your dream woman it's such a range i do get a lot of people who are
[15:10]in transition you know similar to the story that i shared where you know they were in a dynamic
[15:16]that was really unhealthy and they were cycling through it over and over and they're finding their
[15:20]power and they're looking to you know find something else or create something else i do get
[15:25]a good percentage of people who are in relationship as well and then a lot of single people as
[15:30]well who are like yeah i actually just want to work on myself right now and it's such a wide range
[15:35]of ages too like i have 25 year olds and then i have like 73 year old psychotherapists and it's so
[15:42]beautiful to just gather with women and to see that you know it doesn't matter what age you are it doesn't
[15:48]matter how many times you've been married how many times you've been divorced you know whether
[15:53]you've been in a relationship in the last 10 years there's always another layer to go and
[15:58]there's so much connection that happens when we do this work so it's really rewarding to see people
[16:04]you know feel at home in themselves regardless of their relationship status because i find that's
[16:09]really the confidence builder they need to really create the partnership that they dream of you know
[16:14]it's like i'm whole i'm worthy i don't actually need someone to come and complete me and then all
[16:21]of a sudden the partnership that they've been longing for is there you know because they're
[16:27]standing in their wholeness we have this cultural idea that you know we're broken or that we're
[16:33]looking for other half or that we need you know we need another person even the twin flame concept is
[16:38]like your soul is broken into and then you find them and it's like that's sort of romantic but it's
[16:44]pretty unhealthy because then we're always left feeling like we're not enough yeah well that makes
[16:50]sense and then what was it like for you writing a whole book in addition to running your business
[16:55]and doing everything else it was really insane i did not understand how intense writing a book would
[17:04]be i've wanted to write a book since i was like five so ever since i was a little girl it could
[17:10]pick up a pen i've been writing like i wrote my first little book when i was like in grade one so i
[17:15]was always a writer and there was a reason that i hadn't write a book until now because it was
[17:21]a huge initiation for me so first i really tried you know just to do it all and then i realized i
[17:26]actually need to disappear to write this book so fortunately i have a wonderful team i have a
[17:31]wonderful cOO and she sort of just took the reins and handled things for me and i went pretty off
[17:38]the map for the year to just write this book and it was a gorgeous process for me at first i was
[17:46]so resistant like i wanted to quit at one point i sat down on the couch and i looked at then and i
[17:53]couldn't even get words on i just cried and i was like i'm not a writer like i need to just quit
[17:59]i'm just going to give my advance back i'm done and he could tell that i was just done and so he was
[18:03]just like okay well if that's what you need to do like we'll do that and i just needed to move
[18:10]through it he held space for me we did a little breath work and then the next day i started writing
[18:15]and i wrote the whole first manuscript in four months after that oh my gosh that was really on
[18:21]that threshold of like oh my gosh this feels like i'm dying and then my editor even i we just
[18:28]built this beautiful relationship i call her a dear friend now and we just we edited this thing
[18:34]until it was just so beautiful and essence and yeah i'm really proud of it i really am it was
[18:42]it was a really fun process by the end by the end i was like oh my gosh this is the most amazing
[18:48]thing like i just all i want to do is write books but it was it took some time to get there
[18:54]well it's nice to hear that honesty because you know there's this misperception that it's all
[18:58]you know rainbows and sunshine you know and it's hard to be hard so does this mean you want to write
[19:04]more books i am already sim writing more right now yeah more than one i yet yeah i won't see what
[19:12]they are yet but yes there are two books in the works one that will be will be coming out in
[19:18]2023 is still setting the dates for it i'll be announcing that you know in a while and then the next
[19:26]one not quite sure when that will come out yet that one i feel is still slowly alkimizing
[19:32]well that is very exciting so good thing that you you know that bend handle that situation the right
[19:37]way yeah you know normally you would like pump me up he'd be like no like you know and he could
[19:44]just tell that he just needed to say okay you know it's sort of ironic right it's like the whole
[19:52]book is about you know once you get to know yourself you can do anything right and then you got
[19:57]to know yourself well enough that you end up with the right partner
[20:00]or then helps you write the book
[20:01]that helps other people become themselves.
[20:03]Anyway, full circle.
[20:05]Do you have any advice to aspiring authors
[20:07]having just survived this process?
[20:10]Oh my gosh, you know, I would say just be really gentle
[20:13]with yourself and listen to other authors
[20:15]when they say don't worry about making it perfect.
[20:18]The first manuscript will not be anything close
[20:21]to what the book is.
[20:23]Now I was told this by many authors
[20:25]and of course I was like, but I'm different.
[20:27]I'm gonna just write the full manuscript
[20:29]and we're just gonna edit it once
[20:30]and then it's gonna be done.
[20:33]No, it's literally every author
[20:35]that has been through this process they know.
[20:38]And it's, the first draft is really,
[20:42]it's just you're just getting it out.
[20:45]And just let that process happen.
[20:46]I think one of the things that stopped me
[20:48]was the resistance of letting that happen.
[20:51]Like I really was trying to perfect it along the way.
[20:55]Instead of just getting it out.
[20:57]And then once I did that, we teased it, you know,
[20:59]over and over and over and over.
[21:02]So really giving yourself that grace
[21:04]and knowing that, you know, it might feel hard
[21:07]in the beginning, but if you just keep going,
[21:09]there's this relationship you build with the book
[21:12]and with the journey that things just become very clear.
[21:15]And so yeah, that would be the number one.
[21:19]Is just let it flow out of you the first time
[21:22]and don't worry if you throw it all out.
[21:24]Like I almost, my first draft,
[21:26]I don't even think is maybe there's like 10% of it
[21:29]in this book.
[21:30]Wow.
[21:32]Yeah.
[21:33]Oh my gosh.
[21:34]Well, amazing.
[21:35]Thank you so much.
[21:36]Thank you for sharing your story and your community.
[21:38]And I'm hoping that maybe there's someone out there listening
[21:42]who needs this exact right thing right now.
[21:45]And hearing your story is going to make them flock
[21:49]to your community.
[21:49]So if people want to join you and help
[21:53]and do the work on themselves, where should they go?
[21:55]Which would they do?
[21:56]So you can find me.
[21:57]I have two sites.
[21:58]My rising woman site is risingwoman.com.
[22:02]You can find the book at risingwoman.com slash BTO book.
[22:06]I'm on Instagram at Shilina Iana,
[22:09]which is a bit of a mouthful.
[22:10]So you can find that in the show notes probably
[22:12]and then at rising woman as well.
[22:15]If you follow my personal, you will get an array
[22:17]of all of my writing in addition to pictures of food
[22:20]and my dog.
[22:23]And rising woman is just the work that I'm doing.
[22:27]So you can follow me over there in a particular food
[22:31]favorites.
[22:32]Oh my gosh, I love cooking.
[22:35]Like it's my part-time job that I don't get paid for.
[22:37]I just invite people to help me with them.
[22:40]So I love almost everything I really do.
[22:43]But I love using wild foods as well.
[22:46]We live on land here.
[22:47]So I'm learning how to cook with wild foods.
[22:49]Wow, nice.
[22:51]Yeah, amazing.
[22:52]Well, you are dynamic and inspirational.
[22:56]So it's been a joy chatting with you.
[22:58]Thank you.
[22:59]You really appreciate you having me.
[23:01]OK, my pleasure.
[23:02]Take care.
[23:03]Thank you.
[23:03]All right.
[23:05]Thanks for listening to this episode of Moms Don't
[23:08]Have Time to Read Books.
[23:09]Don't forget to follow me on Instagram at zibioans
[23:12]and at Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books.
[23:14]Also sign up for my newsletter at zibioans.com
[23:17]and sign up for my virtual book club
[23:18]and meet lots of authors on Zoom every other week.
[23:21]Thanks so much to Steve and Ryan at Textures Sound
[23:24]for the Sound Editing.
[23:25]And thank you to Morning Moon Productions
[23:27]for providing this fantastic intro and outro music.