Anna Kloots, MY OWN MAGIC: A Reappearing ACT
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[1:03]And includes is the author of my own magic, a reappearing act.
[1:06]Anna is a New York Times bestselling author who always dreamed of being a Disney princess.
[1:11]Her writing candidly reflects on her travels, relationships, failures, and fantasies.
[1:16]And it may inspire you to move to Paris like she did.
[1:18]Anna can usually be found writing and sipping champagne on a cafe terrace, rain or shine.
[1:23]And she is always on the hunt for a warm baguette, a cheap flight, a vintage dress, or
[1:27]a beautiful moment to snap a shot of.
[1:29]She is currently working on adapting live your life.
[1:31]And then where she wrote with her sister into a screenplay.
[1:34]And by the way, her sister was also on my podcast, Amanda Klitz.
[1:38]So you could listen to that episode as well.
[1:40]You can keep up with all her latest adventures on Instagram at Anna Klitz.
[1:44]Welcome Anna.
[1:44]Thank you so much for coming on moms.
[1:46]Don't have time to read books to discuss my own magic, a reappearing act.
[1:51]Love that.
[1:52]You were having me.
[1:53]Oh my gosh.
[1:54]I actually had your sister on this podcast.
[1:56]Did you know that?
[1:57]Oh, I did it.
[1:58]And I went involved.
[1:59]Yes, that was fun.
[2:00]I loved hearing your view of some of the events that I talked about with her in your
[2:04]book.
[2:05]And I don't know.
[2:06]Behind the scenes.
[2:07]Definitely.
[2:08]Would you mind telling listeners what your memoir is about?
[2:11]Sure.
[2:12]It is basically about a 10 year period, kind of those pivotal years in your 20s where you're
[2:18]figuring out who you are and what you really want and how I sort of got lost in the
[2:22]midst of all of that.
[2:23]And the relationship that just wasn't the right one for me.
[2:26]And when that ended, I was sort of left at ground zero again at 30.
[2:31]And of course, like anyone would thought that my life was over, but actually it was just
[2:35]getting started.
[2:36]And it's about how I picked up those pieces and kind of re-found what made me powerful
[2:41]and strong and used that as fuel to go build my dream life.
[2:45]So amazing.
[2:46]I love it.
[2:47]So inspiring.
[2:48]I also got divorced after a 12 year relationship.
[2:50]And now I'm remarried.
[2:53]I wrote about that as well.
[2:54]But I related so deeply to your experience and some of those feelings and the aftermath
[2:59]and just all of it.
[3:00]So anyway, I loved reading all these stories where we have second acts, third acts, whatever
[3:06]it is.
[3:07]Exactly.
[3:08]It should like life is like that.
[3:10]We should always be growing and evolving and reinventing.
[3:14]And when we hit a pitfall or we hit something that feels like the end, we have to look
[3:17]at that as like maybe this is just a new beginning.
[3:20]Exactly.
[3:22]And that's what I did and that's what I think a lot of people do and we need to share that
[3:26]more so that when you are at the top bottom moment, you realize there's hope and you're
[3:31]not alone in those feelings.
[3:33]Yes.
[3:34]So true.
[3:35]So your own magic, the man you were involved with was a magician and you told us all
[3:40]about what that was like and being a magician's assistant and how you know all the tricks,
[3:46]but you're not going to tell us and all of that.
[3:48]So thanks.
[3:50]Thanks for that taunting, you know, dangling that and snatching it away.
[3:54]Trying to see your thing.
[3:56]Real, this magician's code and you don't want to be the ones to break it.
[4:03]So talk a little more about how you got into the relationship and how you decided to go
[4:08]on this wild ride following him around to all the magic shows all over the world and all
[4:13]of the travels and sort of what that part of your life was like and what it felt like to
[4:18]almost become like subsumed into somebody else's whole world, if you will, and sort
[4:22]of lose yourself a little bit in that.
[4:24]Yeah, absolutely that.
[4:26]I mean, I met my ex-husband when I was 19 and I had just moved to New York and was starting
[4:31]school and I kind of had a lot of ideas about what I wanted to do and what I thought I could
[4:36]do and then I met someone who I just became enamored with and he was a bit older than
[4:41]me.
[4:42]So he already had a lot of his life set up and already had a, you know, had a job and
[4:46]had a lifestyle that wasn't very malleable because of the nature of it.
[4:51]And so I became the malleable one.
[4:54]I started to shape myself into the exact type of companion I thought required for his
[4:59]life and I started, you know, compromising and giving up a lot of pieces of myself that
[5:05]I didn't realize how crucial they were to who I am until I was too far gone to get them
[5:12]back.
[5:13]And, you know, I eventually reached a point where I didn't even recognize myself.
[5:19]And I kind of realized I was extremely isolated and I had nothing but him in this world
[5:24]we had together, but I had very little control over any aspect of my own life because
[5:32]my world was coexisting within someone else's and that really began to bother me and
[5:38]make me very deeply unhappy despite me kind of always wearing these road colored glasses
[5:44]and always trying to find the beauty in it and find the joy in it because there was and
[5:50]that's the nature of life.
[5:51]Nothing is ever all bad or all wonderful.
[5:53]It's there's so many shades of gray and so while it was a very difficult and troubling
[5:59]time in many ways and other ways I was rapidly growing and discovering things I was
[6:04]passionate about and having these unusual wild experiences that I could have never even
[6:10]dreamed I would have had.
[6:11]So I look back on it both like very fondly and, you know, with a bit of pain and retrospect
[6:17]but as I say in my book I wouldn't change anything about anything that happened or any
[6:23]choice I made.
[6:25]I certainly never thought I would become a magician's assistant but I think that's the crazy
[6:30]beauty of life is it, you know, it throws us these these curve balls and if we take
[6:36]these crazy chances sometimes they work out beautifully sometimes we crash and burn but
[6:42]it's all about, you know, what do we learn and where did that take us and what experiences
[6:47]did we gain from that experience to go then, okay, what do I want to do with these ashes
[6:53]I now have this thing that blames.
[6:57]I think it happens often at that age in particular right we're all trying to figure out
[7:01]who we are.
[7:02]So I mean you were so young, 19 I mean I think about my book in 19 it's like oh my gosh but
[7:08]you know it's like we're looking around at being like well who am I in this big world
[7:11]and where am I going to fit into things and when we see somebody who has that figured out
[7:15]and we can like shortcut and get you know almost like piggyback ride onto certainty it's
[7:20]tempting and so I think a lot of women in particular find guys who just they have the
[7:26]sense that it's all figured out which of course they might or might not but it doesn't
[7:30]actually get you where you're going like the shortcut doesn't work it gets you to someone
[7:35]else's like you're saying with those boakers it's like you you jump on but then you end
[7:39]up on the wrong dock when you land you know you have to like get back on and then you
[7:43]feel like a failure and anyway I'll stop but I think it's tempting to latch on to certainty
[7:49]not even just at this young age but for some people who aren't don't have that sort
[7:53]of inner sense of self which hardly anybody has at age 19 so it is and and you give away
[7:59]things before like I said before you realize how important they are to you you're very willing
[8:04]to go okay well sure I'll trade that away yeah and that can be very troubling because then
[8:09]to get those pieces of yourself back sometimes is a lot of work and really hard and maybe
[8:17]there's parts of it you'll actually never fully recover and it you know it can be a very
[8:21]troubling time to get to a point where you realize I actually don't know who I am anymore
[8:28]and my marriage ended I remember being like I don't even know what I want to do I had lost
[8:34]my home my husband in my job in one day and I was like where do I want to live what do
[8:40]I want to do who am I without this person because I've built my whole life around them
[8:45]and and now I just felt like nothing and I felt like I wasn't capable of doing anything
[8:51]on my own so it really took some work to sort of remind myself who I was before this relationship
[8:57]and that I was actually capable of a lot and you know kind of gain a lot of that confidence
[9:02]back to sort of say I'm gonna be just fine in fact maybe I'm actually gonna be even better
[9:09]and then that became really powerful like look who's laughing now I mean do you think look what
[9:14]you've done you have this like massive following you have a book I mean it's like amazing you know
[9:19]and it never what it who knows where it would have gone yeah no it that's what's crazy is we we make
[9:25]these choices young because there's this pressure like you have to know what you're gonna do you're
[9:29]you know especially as a woman like I remember when I was getting married at 25 oh my girlfriends
[9:35]were like you're so lucky you have all figured out you already met your person you know and then
[9:40]cut to I'm going through a divorce as they're all getting engaged you know now I'm back at square one
[9:47]and that is so life like you can but you're still so young exactly and I was so grateful I was like
[9:54]okay I'm I'm 30 this is fine but you know so many ages are still so young I don't
[10:00]know why we feel like we have to have our job figured out by this age or our husband figured
[10:03]out by this age or our home bought by this age. It's who has decided this. It puts pressure
[10:09]on us to keep these choices before we actually know what we want and who we are. And so we choose
[10:14]things because we feel like to not have a choice makes us look weak or all over the place or unsettled
[10:22]and we jump into soon. And then it's too hard then to create the life you want because you've
[10:28]created a life that you were complacent with because you felt the need to make these choices.
[10:34]So true. So true. I mean I got married at 28 and I felt like it was late because I had had a
[10:39]few friends who already had were married and I was like oh my gosh I'm already 28. And then I had
[10:44]twins by the time I was 30. And now like I work with so many younger women. I'm like god I was like
[10:49]a baby when I had the kids. But I felt old. So anyway it's all about perspective I guess which
[10:55]your book really really highlights. Have to normalize this like finding your partner in your 40s
[11:00]or your 50s. Who cares when it happens? I've actually started to like embrace when you look back
[11:07]this alone time you have is actually so small. And it's sacred like it's it's beautiful. And I
[11:15]almost think like why are we rushing into making all these choices when these moments we have where
[11:19]we're just kind of lost and free and trying to figure it out in retrospect are so beautiful. Like
[11:26]if you're in that moment just try as hard as you can to soak it up because there will be a day when
[11:32]you miss that feeling of like endless possibility of what is who am I going to meet? What things could
[11:38]happen to me? Where will I end up? It's in some ways so fun and exciting if you can just get over
[11:46]that fear of like I'll never I'll never you will. Yeah. So just enjoy the freeful while you have it
[11:52]because it's it can be beautiful. You should put that on a t-shirt like you will hashtag in your 23.
[11:58]You know I mean like you know this whole thing keeps reminding me of and maybe you don't
[12:03]even remember this movie but there's a movie with Julia Roberts called Runaway Bride. Did you ever
[12:07]see that? Great time. And I love that because you see her with all these different relationships
[12:12]and with every guy she's with she orders her eggs at the diner the way he orders his eggs.
[12:17]So first she's having like sunny set up and then scrambled and did it on and it's not
[12:20]until the end when she's like wait a minute. I can order eggs however I want them and she finally
[12:24]realizes like okay I like my eggs this way and she can like be with the guy who doesn't mind that
[12:29]she orders eggs the way she wants them. I don't know the profound takeaways of a Julia
[12:34]Roberts really. She's all detail and new ones of that movie but we all do that so often in
[12:39]relationships we mold into the person we're with or we make choices we think they want or we
[12:46]you know and they're little compromises like yeah like your breakfast but at the same time like
[12:51]is it that small like it? Give up so many little things like this when you compromise so many
[12:56]little of your own preferences away. It adds up and it takes a lot of who you are away so I mean
[13:02]post my relationship failing I was back at you know ground zero and really started to figure out what
[13:08]do I enjoy what do I love and and as I leaned into those things then I really realized like
[13:12]which of those are sacred and I can never compromise that thing away again and some things I
[13:19]can and other things I'm like I don't know things that makes me me and I cannot give this away
[13:26]for any reason under any circumstances because I know what will happen to my soul if I do.
[13:33]And then when you did lose everything then you had to confront something even worse because
[13:38]then it was COVID and your sister lost her husband and it was a very public way and not that
[13:45]it made it worse that it was a public way but it was like so horrific her loss and
[13:50]you're having to support her in the whole situation. Talk about that a little bit if you don't mind.
[13:56]Well you know what was crazy is I had that year started and you know I was like all right I think
[14:02]so many people went into 2020 being like 2020 you're like parents I moved I finally moved out
[14:10]of my apartment with banks husband I moved to Paris I started building this dream life I was so
[14:16]happy I was on cloud 11 and it all crashed down and the whole world shut down and I first was just
[14:24]like so miserable and just mourning the loss of this life I had built I had to come back to the
[14:30]US because you know it was just too much uncertainty and I didn't have anything established in
[14:35]France yet and so I came back to the US and was just moping but you also had like a thousand
[14:40]canceled flights and as I'm reading I'm like is she gonna get back how is she gonna get out of
[14:44]France? It's out it's so awful oh my god it was very scary for a second and then I came back and
[14:50]my brother-in-law got sick very quickly after that and then that sort of just put everything
[14:55]into perspective right away of like okay I don't need to keep whining about the fact that my
[15:02]my new life I built is on hold like this is obviously way more important and I had moved to
[15:07]France in a way I talk about in my book I kind of put the distance between me and everyone I cared
[15:12]about on purpose because it's oh kind of always been my nature I think also just growing up in
[15:18]a big family to just constantly be thinking about my siblings and my parents and the people I love
[15:24]when my husband left I really substituted them as like fillers like I just filled my time with them
[15:30]and I served them and helped them and took care of their babies and helped my parents set up their
[15:36]new apartment and it gave me purpose and it gave me distractions for me to do and so I moved to
[15:41]France like I'm gonna be selfish now like I'm not helping anybody anymore and focusing on me I
[15:48]think this is what I need and then I end up in a situation where I am I literally don't have a
[15:53]second to myself for three months and it healed me in the weirdest way and as much as that whole
[16:00]experience was so painful and so difficult and I felt incapable of holding someone else up when I was
[16:08]quite honestly a complete mess myself still to witness this this crazy outboard of love and kindness
[16:17]and generosity and to become a part of this community that was just so giving and to see how
[16:26]when you're serving and and giving to the right people you actually end up completely full you
[16:32]don't end up depleted and it was this beautiful moment that I realized I don't need to be selfish
[16:39]to make my dreams come true I don't I don't need to be selfish to be happy and take care of myself
[16:45]if I give my time and energy to people who truly love me you end up completely filled and whole and
[16:52]healed and you know obviously I wish that had all played out differently but the lasting effects
[16:59]of that are just incredible like the community of people that I still am in touch with that are
[17:05]still in my sister's lives the amazing you know outport of love like that changed me my brother
[17:11]and my sister my whole family immensely and deeply and forever and that's you know the silver lining
[17:18]of what was a very tragic and awful thing to happen but in the weirdest way it was so beautiful
[17:24]oh I'm so sorry you lived through that I lost I loved one to COVID during that time too and
[17:30]I feel like so many people were like oh well it's you know we're fine you know it's gonna all be
[17:34]fine and it's like not fine it wasn't fine and anyway I'm glad that there is always some sort of
[17:40]thing you learn from like every loss or every you know that sounds so trite but anyway I'm I'm glad
[17:46]that the community that rallied around you has they still uplift you I was talking to a girlfriend
[17:51]on email last night she'd actually forwarded me when you were looking for a venue you know she's like
[17:55]did you see this story that you know and I was like oh I'm in a really hard mile but she's like
[17:59]ever since COVID times she's like I follow Anna and Amanda and everything they do like I'm reading
[18:04]for them every step and like so you really do have this huge fan base and you know it's amazing
[18:10]so no it's amazing how people can connect through you know people say good and bad things about
[18:16]social media but to me I have always just found it this beautiful amazing thing and when I talk about
[18:23]in my book I didn't have a network in a community at the time I started my Instagram in 2015
[18:28]I was very isolated I was only with my ex has been all the time and Instagram became this
[18:34]world that I could connect with people all over the world and I found this like online
[18:38]network and it saved me in many ways because I was very isolated like the only woman in the room
[18:43]most of the time really no magician in the room and suddenly I could gain co-workers and you know
[18:50]peers doing what I was trying to do online and then I ended up meeting a lot of these people a lot
[18:56]of them are now some of my dearest friends I think you know when when used properly it is it's
[19:02]amazing what we have in our fingertips okay so true so what's happened since the end of you writing
[19:09]the book and now like give us the you know the update the postscript postscript well I ended it
[19:16]and I ended it where I did on purpose obviously when I started writing this book it was three years ago
[19:22]so a lot of what that initial outline when you write a book was you know kind of ended right there
[19:28]a lot of life happened after that and I was wondering if it should be included or not and
[19:35]I very quickly decided it shouldn't be that that story ended right where it ended and then
[19:42]hopefully my next book is my first year of living in France so since where that book ends is the
[19:49]summer of 2020 and then I start actually living here and in that amount of time I've now
[19:56]spent two years I have rented
[20:00]and renovated an apartment here.
[20:02]I have been through what I say,
[20:03]like the honeymoon stage of moving to Paris,
[20:06]which is pretty much the first year,
[20:07]where you're just like, this is amazing.
[20:11]A year or two, which quite honestly is pale,
[20:14]like absolute, oh no, what is going on?
[20:19]What am I, why did I do this?
[20:21]Why is everything so complicated?
[20:23]And then I think when you survive that,
[20:25]and you just stay, you know,
[20:28]when it's easy to love Paris,
[20:30]it's easy to visit and fall in love and go,
[20:31]oh, I want to live here.
[20:33]If you can survive a year or two and you still want to live here,
[20:38]when you know the real Paris and the real struggles
[20:41]and the real complications of living a life abroad,
[20:44]and you still choose it anyway,
[20:46]then that's when you're three seven right now becomes fun,
[20:50]because you're comfortable, you know, the ropes now,
[20:53]the learning curve is never ending, to be honest,
[20:56]but it's most, you know, you're not at the start of it.
[20:59]And if the city starts to really feel like yours,
[21:03]you know, there's a beauty to knowing that darker,
[21:05]complicated side of things and accepting it and loving it.
[21:09]And so it's been a wild ride.
[21:12]I met my boyfriend who was my upstairs neighbor
[21:17]before Emily and Paris came out.
[21:19]And so I have a wonderful, very, very French boyfriend,
[21:25]that is hilarious and very sweet.
[21:29]And I've started the project of my working on the first book
[21:33]that I co-wrote with my sister,
[21:35]adapting that into a screenplay,
[21:36]which has been amazing to have all these new tools,
[21:40]you know, when you're writing a book,
[21:41]which is I've really kind of writing I've ever done,
[21:43]you just have your words.
[21:45]But when you're writing a screenplay,
[21:46]you get to play with music and scenes and moments and shots.
[21:51]And it's been really challenging,
[21:54]but really interesting to sort of go into a whole different
[21:58]world of writing.
[22:00]Wow, that's so great.
[22:02]It's amazing.
[22:03]Is that scheduled to come out at a certain time?
[22:05]Or do you have, are you starring in it?
[22:07]You know, it's funny, that demanded from day one.
[22:11]I was like, I would like the opportunity to audition
[22:14]for the role of my...
[22:15]Yes, I did.
[22:16]And she was like, you're not an actress.
[22:19]And I was like, um, our middle school
[22:21]was a maggot school for the performing arts.
[22:24]Yeah.
[22:25]And I wasn't right here before this project.
[22:27]I was like, no, is this is it?
[22:32]But we have said, much like,
[22:34]I love Alfred Hitchcock.
[22:35]And I was like, we should just have a Hitchcock moment.
[22:37]We should be a random X star, random neighbor, you know,
[22:40]we should put ourselves in this for a second.
[22:44]So we have some ideas, but it's a timeline, you know,
[22:47]just like this book that I thought would be done in a year.
[22:50]You know, these projects take time
[22:51]and they take finding the right people
[22:53]and the right collaborators.
[22:55]So we've been working on it for about a year and a half.
[22:57]We're finally now like in the new phase of,
[23:01]we have a finished screenplay
[23:02]and we're shopping it out there
[23:04]and seeing what feedback we get.
[23:05]So fingers crossed the feedback is good.
[23:08]That's amazing.
[23:10]Well, you can tell them at least you've had, you know,
[23:12]decades of rehearsal for this role.
[23:14]So I look the part, I know why.
[23:20]So I wrote the lines, I think I could do this.
[23:24]They're gonna be like, sorry,
[23:26]we need someone younger, who's 19 years old.
[23:29]Sorry.
[23:30]You have the right look.
[23:30]Yeah.
[23:34]How did you get around the legal issues
[23:36]of writing about your ex-husband?
[23:38]He's okay with this or how did that go down?
[23:41]You know, I did actually send the entire book to him
[23:44]to look at, but the point of this book
[23:46]and I hope there's no one's takeaway.
[23:48]It's not to say anything bad about anyone.
[23:51]It's my story.
[23:53]And the only, you know, there are other people
[23:54]who have to be in it because they were there
[23:57]and it's impossible to not, you know,
[23:59]talk about a person who ends up being the, you know,
[24:03]the reason that a lot of these moments happen to me
[24:05]are the reason that I have allowed these discoveries.
[24:07]But you know, it's not, but in any means about him,
[24:11]you know, it's about me.
[24:14]And so what is what the story is?
[24:17]And it was not ever the intent to, you know,
[24:21]make anyone look bad because I don't think of him
[24:24]in that way at all.
[24:26]You know, there's truly nothing that, like I said,
[24:28]I wouldn't go back and change anything.
[24:30]I think we both gave everything we possibly could
[24:34]to make our marriage work.
[24:35]And I really don't have any negative feelings at all.
[24:39]It's very, it's a very neutral thing in my head.
[24:43]I back in and really am just grateful
[24:46]that it happened that the positive takeaways happened
[24:50]that the lessons were learned
[24:52]and that I'm where I am now.
[24:54]Amazing.
[24:56]Anything else on your wish list
[24:57]of things you want to accomplish before your 50 or something?
[25:02]I know, I know exactly before I'm this,
[25:08]but I'm constantly making bucket lists.
[25:11]And there are always vision boards, actually,
[25:14]but they're like written ones.
[25:15]I love traveling as I'm sure you can tell.
[25:18]And I love history.
[25:20]And I really want to, I started, it's on my bucket list
[25:24]for this year, I must do.
[25:26]I would love to have a travel show.
[25:27]I would love to have a something where I'm traveling
[25:31]and kind of telling people why these places are amazing
[25:36]and special and simplifying history
[25:39]and making it easier to digest and more relatable
[25:44]and helping people experience things
[25:47]that they might otherwise never even think were interesting
[25:50]because that was my life.
[25:51]So many of these places I went and I either didn't know
[25:54]existed when I went to Albanian.
[25:57]I had to look where that was on a map
[25:59]because I didn't know or that replaces
[26:01]I just never would have thought that I would enjoy.
[26:05]And it's, we have such a massive world out there
[26:07]and there's so many incredible things to see.
[26:11]So to be able to share that would be my absolute dream.
[26:15]I'm sure you could pull that off.
[26:17]I have total faith.
[26:18]I have total faith in you.
[26:19]I can't get a dog, but that's far easier to achieve,
[26:24]but actually, I feel like those are not compatible.
[26:27]Those two, I'm like, I'm holding off the dog
[26:31]while I try to all these other things
[26:34]like to never be at home.
[26:35]Yeah, exactly.
[26:37]Well, Anna, thank you so much for coming on.
[26:39]Thank you for really sharing all of these emotions
[26:42]in my own magic.
[26:43]I wish I had had this book when I was like 19
[26:46]and starting with my life.
[26:47]And I feel like women like me and their 40s to do this up
[26:50]whatever. I think it's great to know that at any point
[26:53]in our lives, we can always change course
[26:55]and reclaim who we are and live fully.
[26:59]That's exactly what I hope the takeaway is.
[27:01]So it's so beautifully said.
[27:04]Okay. All right.
[27:06]All right. Thanks so much.
[27:07]And good luck with your event.
[27:09]Thank you. Bye. Bye.
[27:12]Thanks for listening to this episode of Moms.
[27:14]Don't have time to read books.
[27:15]Don't forget to follow me on Instagram at zebi Owens
[27:18]and at Moms.
[27:19]Don't have time to read books.
[27:21]Also sign up for my newsletter
[27:22]at zebiowens.com and sign up for my virtual book club
[27:25]and meet lots of authors on Zoom every other week.
[27:27]Thanks so much to Steve and Ryan.
[27:29]In fact, texture sound for the sound editing.
[27:31]And thank you to Morning Moon Productions
[27:33]for providing this fantastic intro and now trim music.