Tess Sanchez, WE'VE DECIDED TO GO IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION: Essays
[0:00]Hi, this is Zibi Owens, and you're listening to Totally Book to Zibi.
[0:06]Formerly, moms don't have time to read books.
[0:08]In my daily show, I interview today's latest, best-selling, buzziest, or underrated authors
[0:14]and story creators whose work I think is worth your time.
[0:18]As a bookstore owner, publisher, author, and obviously a podcaster, I get a comprehensive
[0:24]look at everything that's coming up and spend my time curating the best books so you don't
[0:29]have to.
[0:30]Stay in the know, get insider insights, and connect with guests like I do, every single
[0:35]day.
[0:36]For more information, go to zibimedia.com and follow me on Instagram at zibi Owens.
[0:45]Tess Sanchez is the author of We've Decided to Go in a Different Direction, essays.
[0:50]Tess Sanchez has spent 20 years in the entertainment industry as a casting director.
[0:54]We've decided to go in a different direction is her debut book.
[0:57]She resides in Los Angeles with her husband, actor Max Greenfield, who has also been
[1:02]on this podcast for his children's book, and their two children.
[1:05]Welcome, Tess.
[1:06]Thank you so much for coming on Totally Book to Zibi to discuss.
[1:10]We've decided to go in a different direction, essays and thank you so much.
[1:14]Thanks for having me.
[1:15]Tell us in our sleeves what your book is about.
[1:18]My book is about a sort of a two-year period of my life in which I experienced and dealt
[1:25]with a lot of what I like to call the book, Painful Favers, which are some challenges,
[1:31]unexpected challenges that ultimately were hard, but ended up being probably interesting
[1:38]and good pivots in my life.
[1:41]Do you really look back and feel like that?
[1:42]I mean, I know there was so much in your book about what happens when you are in a career
[1:48]that you're really proud of and things go off the rails and you just have a hard time
[1:53]sort of even recontextualizing your identity after so long.
[1:57]Yeah, I mean, that's really what the book is about is me sort of questioning why so much
[2:05]of myself was defined by my job and my career and the other roles in my life really
[2:11]being secondary to this purpose that's driving purpose that I really felt so passionate
[2:18]about.
[2:19]And yeah, when that goes this way, it really did make me look at all the relationships
[2:25]in my life and they were all sort of seen through this purism of I'm a career woman and
[2:32]I have this really big life outside of my family and outside of my children and outside
[2:41]of my husband that I found so fulfilling and so there's a point in the book where I kind
[2:47]of look at my kids and say like, oh, hello, nice to meet you.
[2:50]I haven't spent this much time with you before.
[2:53]So yeah, I think it's been a time of self-reflection and in doing that, I had to sort of
[3:00]go back to the beginning of building my career and sort of how I got there.
[3:05]And that's why I do sort of a look back on my early casting days and getting to the
[3:11]place of why this career had meant so much to me over 20 years.
[3:17]And it all started at BCBG.
[3:19]That's right.
[3:20]I love your shoes.
[3:21]And by the way, I was living like right above since at Plaza in 1998 to 2000 and I remember
[3:29]going into that BCBG and like, yeah, for like some big problem ahead.
[3:34]Oh my God.
[3:35]I probably helped you.
[3:37]Yeah, we probably, yeah, cross paths because I looked by.
[3:40]I thought it was the closest to New York that I could like walk around and oh yeah, for
[3:45]sure.
[3:46]It was a hot, that was a hot strip when it was really fun.
[3:51]But you know throughout everything that's happened in your life, you have been very driven
[3:55]and you know what you want and you're open to just throwing yourself in and being like,
[4:00]yes, I'll be an intern.
[4:01]Yes, I'll try this.
[4:02]Like yes, like you wrote this one note to a potential boss saying like, I might not have
[4:07]as much experience, but I'm going to work really, really hard.
[4:10]And he literally was like, I get a good feeling about you.
[4:13]Come on board.
[4:14]And I think it's such an important lesson, especially as like, the millennials are in the
[4:19]job force and you know, it's like the one thing that I try to instill in my own kids is
[4:28]just like the sense of it's okay to take risks and it's okay to put yourself out there.
[4:34]Even if it feels scary and uncomfortable, it's how things, it's how movement happens
[4:40]in your life.
[4:41]And I, you know, I always say to Max, my husband, I'm like, you were born with like
[4:45]a lot of just like beautiful gifts, like you didn't have to try very hard for some of the
[4:51]things that you were born able to do.
[4:54]I did not have an apparent gift from God, so my gift was my drive.
[5:01]And I found out very young that like, like I was going to have to be the force in my life
[5:07]in order to make things happen.
[5:10]And yeah, I think like that drive I think is just in a, I mean, it certainly is, you
[5:15]know, started with my father and my mom who basically were very independent when I was
[5:21]growing up and had their own lives and they were, you know, not particularly into like
[5:28]facilitating opportunity for me.
[5:30]I knew I had to do that myself.
[5:33]Interesting.
[5:34]How does that go over when you say that to your husband?
[5:36]Like, you were just born this way.
[5:38]I know.
[5:39]I'm like, you didn't work hard.
[5:40]No, I'm just kidding.
[5:41]He has worked hard and certainly, you know, he had 10 years of auditioning before he
[5:47]had a real break, which is, you know, amazing and also really hard.
[5:52]But I mean, I actually do remember meeting him and being like, oh, like, I guess things
[5:58]just kind of come easy for you.
[6:00]So I'm like, clawing my way.
[6:06]I mean, I think it just speaks to all these different assumptions we make like so quickly
[6:10]about people right now.
[6:11]You've been married.
[6:12]No.
[6:13]So long.
[6:14]You know, what does it mean?
[6:15]Like no one likes, you know, just so anyway, whatever I could go down a whole rabbit hole
[6:20]here.
[6:21]Oh my gosh, I won't, I won't cry apart your marriage.
[6:25]Well, anyway, your drive ends up getting you all these great things.
[6:29]You meet so many stars as they're on their way up and you learn from the best to identify
[6:34]talent and that certain something that will make someone shine at the beginning yourself
[6:39]and being like, well, really like, why until you realize that you have that gift yourself,
[6:44]right?
[6:45]You know, you can figure it out.
[6:46]Right.
[6:47]And I think it is, it is by osmosis of the amazing people that I've worked with.
[6:54]And you know, a lot of like, I often tell actors like the best thing that you could do
[7:00]is to spend one pilot season working as, you know, as an intern in the casting office
[7:07]because it gives you such perspective on actors when you see, when you see them coming
[7:15]in and auditioning and just what to do, what not to do, who really stands out to you,
[7:22]who's doing something different but in a good way and who's doing something different
[7:26]but in a bad way, you know, and how all that translates.
[7:30]But it, you know, it's such an incredible like learning experience and, you know, I had
[7:35]incredible mentors that, you know, we're like, no, this is what, this is what makes this
[7:41]person special and, and, and, you know, this is how they shine and, you know, it took
[7:47]years to hone that.
[7:49]But ultimately, I think I got there.
[7:52]So when you look back and you think about the different directions that your life has taken
[7:57]you in, like, where did you actually think it was going?
[8:01]Oh, I thought I would be sort of carried out on a stretcher, through my last job.
[8:07]I thought I was going to be in that job forever and, and I, I would have been and, and
[8:14]so I do think that, you know, life happens the way it's supposed to and, and, you know,
[8:21]the universe knew that I needed a little kick in order to leave a, you know, what felt
[8:27]like a very comfortable yet fulfilling situation, you know, I knew I was good at my job
[8:33]and I knew I was confident in my skill set and, you know, maybe that was like somebody
[8:40]saying, hey, you know, you're not done yet evolving as a human being, you need to develop
[8:46]another skill set, you need to feel uncomfortable and change to really, like, you know,
[8:53]become more evolved as like a full human being.
[8:56]Well, I love when I, I mean, I don't love it that was really sad, but you're, you're,
[9:01]you just keep repeating, like, this is not how, this is how my story ends, like this is
[9:06]how my story ends.
[9:07]And you're in such shock that your husband, like puts his face in the zoom and was like,
[9:11]This is over now and just like, ch closes it down.
[9:15]Yeah.
[9:16]It's still so vivid in my mind.
[9:18]Have you ever been blindsided like that before?
[9:21]Yeah, things happen all the time, right?
[9:24]Of course.
[9:26]And I think part of what's hard
[9:28]is that you've already planned a future in a certain way.
[9:31]And then you have to go back
[9:32]and you have to change all of those sort of plans.
[9:35]Like you just like, you're not just losing the present.
[9:38]You're losing all that potential future.
[9:41]Right, yeah, exactly, exactly.
[9:43]Yeah, I definitely felt like, you know, initially
[9:46]when it happened, like, I was at a bit of a dead end.
[9:49]And it's like, this is over for me.
[9:51]And I really, like, really loved to like,
[9:55]wallow in that for, you know, six months before.
[10:00]I started to, you know, get off my butt and, and, you know, started creatively just generating
[10:06]again.
[10:07]And I, you know, I think I mentioned the book like I was like, you know, every other day,
[10:11]I was coming up with like a new business idea.
[10:14]And, you know, that was like an interesting thing to learn about myself is like I can't
[10:19]sit still.
[10:20]And so I'm like, I'm going to do, you know, I'm going to just do people's dinner parties
[10:24]and just do, you know, table scapes, you know, or I'm going to have a cocktail line.
[10:30]I mean, I was literally like taking things like three-fourths of the way down the field
[10:35]with like these ideas and then, and then I was like, I mean, what, I can't, I mean, I'm
[10:40]not going to get a liquor license and, you know, I'm using a call like so, but, you
[10:46]know, it was all part of this journey.
[10:48]And part of that was, you know, in real time writing some of this stuff down and not really
[10:54]knowing where this was going and, and ultimately it became a book, which, you know, still
[11:01]still surprises me.
[11:02]I know, I'm so excited.
[11:04]And by the way, my husband and I, for a while, we're sitting at the bar at most restaurants
[11:08]because I don't like to wait for tables.
[11:09]So if they're going to be available, right.
[11:12]And so finally, we were like, let's launch like a his and hers tequila box set and like,
[11:18]how would we do this?
[11:19]What would the bottle look like?
[11:20]You know, we went down this whole rabbit hole too soon.
[11:23]Yeah, that's very, really good, so I get it, until we get it.
[11:27]Tell me about the process of writing the book and even like the editing process.
[11:32]How much did things change from the beginning?
[11:35]How much did it change from what you thought it would be when you first started writing
[11:38]it to even when you finished your first draft?
[11:40]Yeah.
[11:41]So, you know, we, you and I met early on in the pitch process, but before that, I, the real,
[11:49]truth is, I was literally following my husband around, telling him, like, asking him
[11:55]these big life questions, like, well, why am I not good enough for that?
[11:59]And like, what, what should I do next?
[12:01]And he said to me, I'd like, please, I'm begging you, go hire a professional sounding
[12:08]board, get a therapist.
[12:09]I can't do this anymore.
[12:11]I don't have the answers that you're looking for, but I was like, oh, why, why?
[12:17]So I did.
[12:17]I went to therapy and part of that process as I was in the middle, like literally in
[12:23]the middle of this of just trying to figure out how I got here and what happened.
[12:28]You know, this therapist was like, you got to write some of this stuff down.
[12:31]Like, it's just really going to be helpful to you to like relive these things kind of on
[12:38]paper.
[12:39]And so that's how it really started is like, it was kind of an assignment.
[12:43]And then, you know, in writing sort of like the present day stuff, which was like about
[12:48]my dad and the loss of a job and having my full identity crisis.
[12:53]Like I mentioned earlier, I ended up looking back a little bit.
[12:57]And then it just, it all started to sort of, you know, take on a life of its own.
[13:02]And when I finished writing, I was like, oh, this is like, oh, this is, there's an
[13:07]arc here.
[13:08]This is like, this is a story.
[13:10]And I certainly, you know, when my dad passed away, it really, and I found all the letters
[13:19]that I had written him, it really felt like the period at the end of a sentence.
[13:24]Like I was like, oh, like this is all kind of this was meant to be this journey.
[13:31]And so, you know, that part, you know, I had written probably 80% of the book.
[13:38]And then when I got to, you know, lead Andy and, and I got to meet you and a couple other
[13:44]people and ultimately Simon and Chustar, they basically said like, this is too sad.
[13:50]Like you need to add some like humor to this because it's just too sad of a read.
[13:55]And I was like, understood.
[13:57]And so I went back and I was like, I was actually in a pretty good place at that point
[14:03]to like start to see some humor in these things.
[14:09]And you know, it's like, what is the definition of comedy?
[14:12]It's like tragedy plus time.
[14:14]And I was just moving far enough away to see how absolutely absurd, you know, I, and
[14:21]manic, I had sort of been in this process of like, I don't want self discovery.
[14:28]Being able to like write that and infuse, you know, comedy into some of the sad stuff, you
[14:34]know, like when I'm looking for a retirement place for my parents and like really like,
[14:40]it's one of, it was so depressing, but I was able to go back and sort of like find ways
[14:45]to infuse like my own brand of like cynicism and humor and irony in those.
[14:52]And so, you know, that that, you know, a lot of the comedy stuff came later.
[14:58]And that was part of like sort of the editing of like, you, you can't, you know, as a
[15:05]first time writer, you know, I definitely, I didn't have perspective because I was just
[15:09]sort of like stream of consciousness, like writing down these events that were traumatic.
[15:14]And it was really helpful to hear from my editor like, this is really good, but to make
[15:22]this a full story where you can get, you know, humor and heart and sadness and tears
[15:28]and all those things like, here's what you need to go back and do.
[15:32]And that was, you know, because of the timing, that was actually, you know, the fun assignment
[15:37]part of like, how can I make this funny?
[15:40]Yeah.
[15:41]And I got to pull like I got, you know, I went back and I like pitched, I pitched during
[15:46]a lunch.
[15:47]I was like, you know, I did DM Britney Spears.
[15:49]I don't know if that's normal or not.
[15:52]And like the fork was like, you did what it's like, write about that, please, not, you
[16:01]know.
[16:02]And then I realized that just sort of it fit into, you know, sort of my, like, it kind of,
[16:09]you know, fit into casting and like how I'm just like a busy body and meddling into things
[16:13]and it really became like, oh, this is part of the story.
[16:16]This is part of who I am.
[16:18]So yeah, that was fun.
[16:21]And what about coping with your dad's aphasia, which I'm so, that's so, I mean, that's
[16:27]hard to make super funny, right?
[16:29]That's like a real, yeah, and they said, you know, God, you've got to like figure out.
[16:37]And, you know, I think I pushed back on that initially of just being like, there is nothing
[16:45]fucking funny about this.
[16:47]This is just really awful.
[16:50]And, you know, it's like all of this was kind of coming to be randomly when like the
[16:56]word ofphasia was coming out into like the world because of Bruce Willis.
[17:01]And I just was like my, you know, the idea of like losing the ability to speak is just
[17:08]like so dark and such a death.
[17:11]And like ultimately, you know, when it's combined with Alzheimer's, where you lose the
[17:15]ability to read and write and it's just, it's devastating.
[17:20]And you know, that, that part of the book is just very honest and with my mom and having
[17:26]her process, like watching her try to process this and also try to also pretend like it
[17:34]wasn't really happening, which I was like, okay, I guess everybody has their own methods
[17:41]of coping, but you know, it was, it was hard to watch for sure.
[17:46]Sorry.
[17:47]Well, you wrote about it beautifully and I'm just so sorry that you had to go through
[17:51]that and same for him and your mom and everyone.
[17:55]So you have this big exciting launch coming.
[17:58]I've been seeing all the visuals of your upcoming events and all of that.
[18:02]What are you looking forward to about touring for the book and all of that?
[18:06]Well, I'm most excited about the book being out in the world and like people having,
[18:13]it's just like I haven't given it to friends and family.
[18:17]I've really sort of kept it close and like literally I am just now having it be part
[18:25]of the world and hearing people like getting texts from people that are like, oh my God,
[18:31]you know, this is what resonated with me.
[18:34]Like that's the most exciting.
[18:35]Because it is such a solitary experience as you know from writing your books that, you
[18:40]know, you're sort of in a solitary experience and then you're like, and here's the gift
[18:46]or here's what I'm giving you.
[18:48]And then you actually get to talk to people about this very singular experience.
[18:53]And that's really exciting to me.
[18:55]Like I'm really, I'm really excited about that.
[18:58]And yeah, just like having, I'm excited to talk about it and have exchanges and yeah,
[19:04]I'm excited to come and visit you at Zebee's book.
[19:10]That's going to be great.
[19:11]I can't wait.
[19:12]I'm so excited you're coming.
[19:13]That's awesome.
[19:14]Yeah.
[19:15]Really great.
[19:16]What advice do you have for aspiring authors now that you are an author?
[19:20]Well, wow.
[19:21]And still getting used to that.
[19:23]But I think, you know, writing your own story, you know, is really, can be very therapeutic
[19:31]and trying not to judge it too much, just try to do it.
[19:36]And I think the most, like sort of meaningful thing that I experienced was when you're
[19:43]not writing it, trying to please other people, you're just writing it for yourself.
[19:50]It's a different experience and I think the same goes for like promoting a book is just
[19:57]sort of like, you know.
[20:00]you can't try to, you know, have it be for other people, you just have to sort of understand
[20:05]that this is your journey and like you're going to, it shouldn't matter what the outside is
[20:12]thinking, you know, just, you know, stay present to what you're doing. And, you know,
[20:17]I mean, I think everyone should have an experience of writing their own book. I really do.
[20:23]And, and I think I didn't, I never set out to write a book. And, but I, as you know, like, I don't do
[20:33]things halfway. So like, I just was like, well, now I got to finish this. And I got to sell this,
[20:40]you know. And so I kind of feel like I like woke up one day and I'm like, now on a zoom with
[20:45]Zibi Owens and I'm like, wait a minute. So this, I actually did like, I went all the way.
[20:52]You went all the way. You did a great job. You should be so proud of yourself. Like, it's very exciting.
[20:58]And it's not easy to put all of your innermost stuff out into the world. It is vulnerable and nerve
[21:05]wracking, you know, even the most steel, you know, the hardened people, when they put what's inside,
[21:12]it's a whole different volume. So yeah, I think like one of the things that was that was exciting
[21:17]was, you know, when Max read the book for the first time, I had not let him read it. I said,
[21:24]I, you know, I'd like to talk about you getting sober. And our relationship is that okay. And he
[21:29]said, yes. But I waited until the book was sent to Simon and Schuster legal. And I had legal,
[21:38]I, it was in the legal department. And, and then I was like, okay, you can read it because,
[21:42]you know, I, I can't go back and change anything because they're, they're already approving this.
[21:48]And he said to me after reading it, like, there's so much internally that was going on with you
[21:54]that I had no idea. And I was here living it with you. And to really understand,
[22:03]even though, you know, you were following me around and talking at me, you know, all this time,
[22:09]I didn't really understand the depth of sort of what ultimately like losing your job and this
[22:16]sort of new identity and new, new purpose in your life was, was, was about. And so I think,
[22:25]you know, that he's like, I was there, but I didn't really understand until I read the book.
[22:31]And that made me really happy. So I was like, oh, you know, he, he gets this, you know,
[22:35]oh, well, congratulations to us. I'm so excited for you. I'll be watching and cheering.
[22:39]And, and I'll be seeing you on the fourth amazing fourth of April. We're going to be the
[22:45]awesome. Okay. Okay. Thank you. That's it. Easy, easy, easy. You're welcome. Thank you.
[22:52]I play. Thanks for reading. Of course. Of course. I'm, I'm so, so, so honored to be here and have
[22:58]you, I've read the book. So thank you so much. I, of course, of course. Okay.
[23:05]Thank you for listening to totally booked with Zibi, formerly mom's don't have time to read
[23:09]books. If you loved the show, tell a friend, leave a review, follow me on Instagram at Zibi Owens
[23:16]and spread the word. Thanks so much. Oh, and bye the books.