The Next Big Idea Daily: Melinda Wenner Moyer

[1:35]Zibby Owens: Today's episode is sponsored by the Next Big Idea Daily podcast. Hey, everyone. It's Divvy, obviously. I wanna tell you about another podcast I think you will love, although, of course, keep listening to mine. It's called the Next Big Idea Daily. Every weekday, host Michael Kovnatt invites leading nonfiction writers to share the key insights from their books in fifteen minutes or less. It's a mini master class that you can listen to in the time it takes to drink your morning cup of coffee. You're about to hear a recent episode of the next big idea. You'll hear from Melinda Wenner Moyer about her book, Hello, Cruel World. And by the way, she was on this podcast already for her previous book, which was called how to raise kids who aren't assholes. I'm a huge fan of Melinda's. So while you're listening, be sure to subscribe to the series on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you're listening right now. Thanks.

[3:50]Melinda Wenner Moyer: Hi. My name is Melinda Wenner Moyer. I'm an award winning journalist and a regular contributor to the New York Times. My work explores the intersection of science and everyday life. I'm going to share with you five key parenting insights from my book, Hello, Science Based Strategies for Raising Terrific Kids in Terrifying Times. Preparing is better than protecting. When we ask ourselves what our number one job is as parents, I think we would all agree that we want to help our kids become independent and well adjusted adults. We want them to grow into human beings who can take care of themselves as well as others, and who can manage all kinds of situations, including ones they've never come across before. Ironically though, many common parenting trends and instincts work against this goal. First, we often think we should protect our kids from hard experiences, and curate their environments so that they're always comfortable. Yet these approaches make kids less able to tolerate and work through challenges and discomfort. What makes you get better at hard things? Practice. We need to give our kids lots of opportunities to practice dealing with frustration and disappointment. We also sometimes fear for our kids' physical safety when we shouldn't. We don't let them walk to school, or play outside with friends, because we've been fed misleading statistics about stranger danger. But by constantly hovering, intervening, and protecting, we rob our kids of opportunities to build social and problem solving skills. We often step in and do things for our kids to ensure that they don't fail too. We take over their science projects, pay them for good grades, hire private baseball coaches, and put them in intensive acting classes. We do this because we love them, and we worry about their future. But this kind of overprotection and pressure can backfire, ironically putting kids' futures at risk. The pressure parents put on kids to excel increases the chance that kids will develop low self esteem, use substances, and suffer from mental health problems. And when we emphasize that success is the only acceptable outcome, we make kids less willing to try hard things and work through frustration. We make them less resilient. Sometimes we overprotect by shielding our kids from what we consider to be adult topics. We think our kids are too young or innocent for conversations about drugs, money, racism, or pornography. But it's possible to have age appropriate conversations with kids about just about anything. Children are typically more aware of societal issues than we give them credit for. If we don't talk to them, all we are doing is ensuring that the information they get comes from someone else. Whenever I'm faced with a difficult parenting decision, I ask myself, what will help my kids grow into the adults I want them to be? Often, we need to pull ourselves out of the present and consider what will help prepare our kids for the future. Listening is better than lecturing. One strategy I recommend over and over in my book, Hello Cruel World, is to ask kids questions. It's simple, takes the pressure off, and is a great way to start a conversation about just about anything. Asking kids questions gives you a moment to breathe, gives them the chance to share their perspective before you jump in, and can help clarify the aspects of the topic you may want to zero in on next. Asking questions also models a curious mindset, which is important for kids to see in us. We want kids to learn that life isn't about always having all the answers, that everyone is a lifelong learner, and that it is okay to make mistakes. Asking kids questions tells them that we, as adults, are still curious and willing to learn, and that as they grow up, they should be too. When we ask kids questions, we also have the opportunity to listen to them. Listening to kids, really, truly listening, is crucial. When kids feel heard and understood, they feel valued and loved, as well as calmer and safer. They become more connected to us, and more willing to listen to our perspective. They feel less aggrieved. They learn through our modeling to listen to their friends and other loved ones as well, which helps them build stronger relationships over the course of their lives. Listening to our kids benefits humanity more broadly too. From the research, we know that when people feel listened to, they become more self reflective and humble, and less extreme in their beliefs. When we deeply listen to our kids, in other words, we we are helping to build a less polarized, more open minded, and more respectful society.

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[11:21]Melinda Wenner Moyer: Comforting is better than chiding. Kids have lots of big feelings. Emotions are part of the human condition, so we all have them. Although some of us are more attuned to them than others. Feelings are useful too, because they provide us with essential information about our wants and needs. For a long time, parents were encouraged to ignore, diminish, or chide their kids for their emotions. Children should be seen and not heard. The problem is, when we communicate to kids that their feelings aren't welcome, a number of unfortunate things can happen. First, when kids perceive that we are uncomfortable around feelings, they may stop coming to us when they're upset and in need of help or support, because they assume we'd rather not know. We may then close off crucial opportunities for connection and understanding. When we chide kids for their big feelings, kids may also learn to suppress or repress their feelings instead of expressing them, which then makes it harder for them to listen to and interpret the useful information their feelings offer. When feelings are suppressed, kids are also not given the opportunity to practice different coping skills, and learn how to emotionally regulate. We also know from the research that when parents comfort kids, and regularly talk about feelings, children become more compassionate. If a child wants to do something nice for a friend, she has to be able to perceive her friend's feelings and needs. She has to be able to read her friend's face and body language, and translate that into an understanding of what her friend is going through, and what she might need, without letting her own feelings and desires get in the way. Studies have shown that the more parents talk about feelings, the more helpful and generous kids, even little toddlers, tend to be. Negotiating is better than controlling. As parents, we often feel the need to assert ourselves and take control. If we don't, our kids will just take advantage of us, right? But this is not what the research shows. When parents are overly controlling, kids tend to act out more, and they are also more likely to develop mental health problems and use substances. Yes, we should be in charge, but we will be much more successful if we do it in a way that is respectful, and allows for our children's autonomy. This notion is especially important to keep in mind when we manage our kids' screen time and social media use. We know that rules and limits can be helpful, especially with younger kids. But with tweens and teens, research suggests that what works best is when parents set limits while also considering their child's perspective and involving them in the decision making process. Instead of saying, You can't have TikTok, end of story, we will be much more successful if we ask our kids what they find compelling about it, research the app along with them, discuss its benefits and drawbacks, and help our kids understand our concerns. When we restrict or assert without open communication, our kids may not understand the rationale behind our decisions, and may be less likely to respect them. Blundering is better than mastering. One reason parenting seems so hard is because it feels like the stakes are very high. We are expected to always know what we're doing, to know what to say and how to react. We're expected, in a word, to be perfect. But the research suggests that when it comes to parenting, imperfection is preferable to perfection. When we make mistakes, we illustrate to our kids that nobody's perfect, so it's okay that they aren't too. When we accidentally yell at our kids, we are then given the opportunity to model to our kids how to take responsibility for our actions, and how to apologize. When we fight in front of our kids, we are giving our kids the opportunity to learn how to engage in healthy conflict. When we don't have the answers to their questions, we can model curiosity and information literacy, by inviting our kids to research the topic with us. We can show them how to use Google, and how to identify trustworthy sources. When we tell our kids something, and later realize it wasn't accurate, we can be honest with them about it, illustrating to them the value of acknowledging our blenders, and keeping an open mind. I firmly believe that parenting is a form of activism. Through the ways we engage with our kids, and the conversations we have, we can help our children learn key life skills, healthy coping, resilience, empathy, financial literacy, humility, open mindedness, and media literacy, among others. We, as parents, can build a stronger, more humane world based on how we raise our kids.

[16:41]Zibby Owens: You just heard a preview of the next big idea. Subscribe to the series on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you're listening now.