Kelly Cervantes, THE LUCKIEST: A Memoir of Love, Loss, Motherhood, and the Pursuit of Self

[1:32]Zibby Owens: This is Zibby Owens, and you're listening to Totally Booked with Zibby. Formerly, moms don't have time to read books. In my daily show, I interview today's latest, best selling, buzziest, or underrated authors and story creators whose work I think is worth your time. As a bookstore owner, publisher, author, and obviously podcaster, I get a comprehensive look at everything that's coming out and spend my time curating the best books so you don't have to. Stay in the know, get insider insights, and connect with guests like I do every single day. For more information, go to zibbymedia.com, and follow me on Instagram at zibby owens.

[2:15]Kelly Cervantes: Kelly Cervantes is the author of the luckiest, a memoir of love, loss, motherhood, and the pursuit of self. Kelly is an award winning writer, speaker, and advocate, best known for her blog Inchstones, where she shared the stress, love, and joy that came with parenting her medically complex daughter Adelaide. Since Adelaide's passing, just five days short of her fourth birthday in October 2019, Kelly has continued to write candidly about her arduous and at times contradictory grief journey. Her debut book, The Grief Companion for When It's Time to Heal, But You're Not Sure You Want To, is a USA TODAY bestseller, and her memoir, The Memoir of Love, Loss, Motherhood, and The Pursuit of Self is the one we're talking about today. She has been published in the Chicago Tribune, the Chicago Sun Times, Cosmopolitan, as well as quoted in the New York Times, CNN, and People. She sits on the boards of the Undiagnosed Diseases Network Foundation and CURE Epilepsy, in addition to hosting CURE's monthly podcast, Seizing Life, where she interviews scientists, doctors, and individuals affected by epilepsy. Kelly resides in Maplewood, New Jersey with her husband, Broadway star Miguel Cervantes, their children, and two dogs, Tabasco and Sriracha. Welcome, Kelly. Thanks so much for coming on Totally Booked to discuss your book, The Luckiest, which is so beautiful and heartbreaking and inspiring and all the things. So congratulations. Thank you so much. And thank you for having me on to chat today. It's my pleasure. Why don't you take listeners a little bit through the book, what it's about, Why you wrote it? All those good things. Of course. Yeah. So I have wanted to write a version of this book for many years, but I think I was stumbling through figuring out what the right vehicle was for telling this story. And then I came across I read Maggie Smith's You Could Make This Place Beautiful. And she has a quote in there where she says, We are all nesting dolls carrying around the previous iterations of ourselves inside of us. I've butchered the quote, but that's the general gist of it. And I was thunderstruck. This idea that I feel like I have so many previous lives that I have lived, breaking it down between all the places that I lived or all the careers that I've had. I'm in my early forties, but I'm on my fourth career already. All the different iterations of our family, and I could feel all of these layers and how all of that, each layer had impacted the other. But I think what struck me the most as I was thinking about these layers of my life was how each of those layers has really built me up to who I am today and everything that I'm doing today. And so that became the structure for the book. Each chapter is a different layer of my life, a different All of the chapters are titled after one of those layers, the ingenue, the mother. So they are meant to sort of break out this life and sort of all of these different lessons that I learned whether I wanted to or not. Frankly, most of the time, don't think we want the lessons that we learned, but they do shape us into who we are. And, you know, as we're constantly becoming the next painted doll in the series of our lives. Oh, I love the way you break down all of our many roles in life. Right? It's you. And each moment, we might be somebody else. Yeah. You take us through it chronologically and through the many ups and downs that you've gone through yourself, some incredibly profound and others things that happen to most people and, you know, that we can all relate to. Yeah. Talk a little bit about the career aspect of the book. You mentioned you've had four careers already, and I know one of your careers is as a caretaker for Yeah. Your late daughter. Talk a little bit about what those careers are and how you've sort of navigated beyond them. I know there was a period where you were definitely not happy with the transition that had happened, so which I probably get. Let's talk Yeah. About Coming out of college, I moved to New York City to be an actress, which is what I really wanted to do all through college, but I struggled even then with I think the my emotional side and my rational side are very evenly matched. I think that a lot of people, they one side sort of wins out over the other. And I think that my two emotional and rational sides have been in constant battle for the majority of my life. And the emotional side ran one out. And I pursued a career as an actress in New York City for five years. Met my husband during that time, and we wanted to start a family, but we were both performers. He did more theater. I was doing more TV film, but his career was going significantly better than mine. And health insurance as an artist is difficult to come by. And so I had the opportunity to go and work for Tom Colicchio's restaurant group coordinating and selling events. And so that rational side of my brain won out and I was like, yes, here's a salary with health insurance. We can start a family. This is the responsible thing to do. And I'm not like some super foodie, but I mean, I enjoy a good meal, but I never was like gung ho about restaurants and hospitality, but I can put together a mean event and I am highly motivated by sales goals. And so I loved it and I loved having health insurance and a salary and being able to buy our family's first home in New Jersey after my son was born. Thank you, health insurance. During all this time, my husband Miguel was sort of in and out of different Broadway or Off Broadway shows, and he'd be employed for a year and then unemployed for a year. And my career kept I kept getting promotions within the company and then everything sort of culminated, blew up, crashed within one week in May 2016, our second child Adelaide had a seizure and she was diagnosed with epilepsy. That same week, actually while Adelaide was in the hospital going through tests, Miguel had been asked to come in and audition for this tiny little show called Hamilton, which was just starting to take over New York City at the time. And Lin Manuel was leaving the show. They needed someone to replace his understudy who was going to be taking over for Lynn. And then they were opening up the first production outside of New York City and Chicago, and they needed someone to helm that. So Miguel goes in for the role of Alexander Hamilton leaving Adelaide and I in the hospital. And at the end of that week, it is my last day working for Tom Colicchio's restaurant group. I'm supposed to take over as the director of sales of another prominent restaurant group in the city. And I was so excited. This was a huge step for my career. I'm out to dinner with my colleagues celebrating my last night, my last day, and Miguel calls and he's like, Well, I got the job. Okay, great. Which one? The one in New York where you're the understudy or the one in Chicago? And he's like, Well, both. I'm going to do Hamilton. I'm going to be Hamilton on Broadway for about four or five weeks. And then we're moving to Chicago and I'm going to be Hamilton in the Chicago production. And quite literally overnight, my life completely changed as I realized I was not accepting this new job. In fact, I was going to now be our family's caregiver and my daughter's caretaker as her health quickly started to decline from that point forward. After a month long hospitalization for her that summer, while Miguel was on Broadway, I planned our move to Chicago from her hospital bedside. And by the time we landed in Chicago, it was such a whirlwind. I remember like three months after being there, sort of waking up and looking around and being like, What the hell just happened? Miguel is texting me from the theater after the show and he's like, I'm going out for drinks and I've just set up our daughter's G tube overnight feed. And I am very resentful for this position. I'm eternally grateful that I got to care for our daughter, and I would never have trusted anyone else in that role. I would have been anxious and miserable. I wouldn't have trusted Miguel in that role, to be clear, like no one. But it was like I had to grieve my career. I resisted that change and I grieved my career for like a year before I was able to find pieces of this new life, this new career that I could appreciate and hold onto and make mine and find control in and be proud of. But it took time in that to find my way in that caregiver role. And then just as I was really coming into it, so we moved to Chicago in 2016, then in 2019, in the spring of twenty nineteen, the doctors confirmed what I think we had known, but I had been in denial of that Adelaide's condition, we wouldn't find out what was causing it until after she passed away. So at that time we had no idea, but the doctors could confirm that it was neurodegenerative and there was nothing they could do. And about six months later she passed away. And all of a sudden this role of caregiver that I had finally embraced and I had found incredible community as an advocate, within the epilepsy and disability communities. And all of a sudden I was forced into retirement from this job that I don't think I'll ever have another job that fulfills me in the way that that one did. And all of a sudden I found myself in another transition that I hadn't chosen and had to fumble through to get six years. That'll be six years in next week since Adelaide passed away. And coming into this next career of continuing the advocacy, but being an author and a public speaker and connecting with families, talking about grief, about disability, raising awareness about epilepsy and sort of bringing all of these previous careers. The actress is on stage giving that speech. The salesperson is out there asking fundraising for the various nonprofits that I work with. The advocate, the caregiver is, she is the reason that I do everything that I am doing today. And it all sort of has come together under this umbrella. And it's pretty remarkable. And while I wouldn't have chosen a lot of those changes, and I would certainly rather have my daughter with me healthy, I do feel like I am where I am supposed to be and incredibly grateful for the opportunities I have. Wow. What a story. What an experience you went through. I mean, I'm sure I'm so sorry as we've discussed already for the loss of Adelaide and all of what you went through, but losing a job, so to speak, it's funny to hear not funny. It's it's diff it's unique to hear it referred to as a job when you are deep in the weeds of an emergency situations or caring for someone you love, and then that that immediacy and urgency and is gone to feel like you lost a job. You know, it's an interesting an interesting way to think about it. I mean, it was I lost my purpose. She was you know, you get it, you think of your you know, you get up and you get ready for the day and you go to work and you and she was my work. She was my purpose. She was what got me out of bed every morning and several times during the night. But no, I sort of dove head first into being her caregiver. It took me a minute to realize because I was like, she's my daughter. This is not a job. I'm her mother, but there is a distinct difference between being a mother and being a caregiver to your child because I had to stop being her mother for several years. And I didn't realize that I had stopped being her mother until we finally got home nursing in our home to help me take care of her as her needs got so intense. And only then was I able to be her mother again and read stories with her and cuddle and raise her and be in tune to all of that beyond just the doctor's appointments and the medication schedule and the therapies. All of that was so time consuming that there were years where I missed out on being her mom. I feel like there are lots of ways to be a mom. Yeah, there are. I mean, you were doing the ultimate sacrifice. I mean, not being able to read, that's one little thing, but you were absolutely being her mom. You were stepping up in the biggest way possible. It just looks significantly different. And when you have additional help to come in, it gives you back the fun times. It gives back the warm times. It gives you back the heart of being a mother beyond just the logistics. Today's episode is sponsored by Quince. Summer always makes me rethink what I'm reaching for every day. Lighter fabrics, better materials, pieces that just feel good the moment you put them on and look effortless. That's why I keep coming back to Quince. They focus on high quality essentials. Think breathable linen, soft organic cotton, washable silk, but without the luxury markup. It's that rare balance where everything feels elevated but still easy. Quince has beautiful everyday pieces like 100% European linen pants, dresses, and tops with styles starting at $32. Their denim is soft and easy to wear. 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[19:02]Kelly Cervantes: Well, I was really struck in the book about your community of friends. And you have this really amazing scene where your son is invited for a play date and the mother says, well, you're coming too. And you're like, no, I'm I'm not coming. Like, I'm gonna go home. I have a daughter with epilepsy. I'm gonna go home. And she's like, no. No. You're gonna bring her. And you're like, what? I and you have this amazing thing where you bring Adelaide there and the other mom, I'm forgetting her name, Jill maybe? Jenny. Jenny. Jenny. Yeah. Just like is like marveling over her feet and like all these great things. And Yeah. You know, just embracing her. And I feel like that was such a turning point to feel that community and support physically as well as emotionally. Yeah. Jenny, she's still one of my dearest friends. And I I can't imagine having gone through Chicago without the community that we had. Her leading the way, sort of always being a support system. She became a second mother to my son Jackson, who's three years older than Adelaide. And so Adelaide would go into the hospital and Jackson would go to her house instead of us having a revolving door of babysitters. And she never let me take myself too seriously. She was always there with a laugh, but she had a deep connection with Adelaide and was the first person to call me after she died. She just knew. And I it's interesting as I was going I didn't really realize it as I was writing the book. But when I went back and I was editing it, it struck me how so many different pivotal moments of my life were impacted by strong female friendships and just someone stepping in and holding my hand at the right time. You know, my college roommates being there for me after the crushing end of a horribly codependent college relationship. My girlfriend in one of my high school best friends holding my hand via text messages from my couch in Chicago while she's in Westchester, I'm navigating this new world of disability, and she is just holding my hand every step of that way to Jenny, who is in person and just enveloping our entire family in this giant warm hug while making killer margaritas. You know, it's just I I feel so fortunate to have had these wonderful, wonderful women step into my life or step up in my life in these moments when I needed them most. And it's inspired me to like really key in and try and be that friend for other women in my life. And I just, I don't think you can ever underestimate the value of those female friendships. Totally agree and love that you showed us over and over how much they were there for you and all of that. How do you navigate marriage in the midst of all of this? Then, now, I mean, in the best of times, kids add stress. But having Adelaide and the loss and the major careers and all of it. Like, how, how? Yeah. Our marriage journey has been it's had its moments. I think, you know, there were were times I remember walking out of there's a scene in the book where I'm like walking out of a drugstore and I've got Adelaide's medications in my purse and I'm walking by a newspaper stand and I see Miguel on the cover of a magazine with Lin Manuel Miranda. I'm like The dichotomy of this, and I'm like trying to rush home so he can get to the theater. I'm like, What is happening? And Miguel described it. He's like, It's like holding onto a rocket in one hand and a parachute in the other, and you're being pulled in these directions. And I feel like that was what so much of our marriage was. I think we realized those first few months after moving to Chicago were hard. It was really hard. I resented Miguel immensely. He was struggling because he felt so much pressure being in this lead role of this show that had reached this blockbuster icon status. And then our daughter is sick and her care is becoming increasingly complicated. And at the end of the day, I think what we realized is that there has It's said a million times, but communication is everything. And sometimes communication means writing down a schedule or clearly delineating whose tasks are what. And that's not sexy, but it is necessary to ease some of that resentment, to find ways that you can help and support each other. I also think that the physical component of our relationship was exceptionally important to maintain that. And so that we put sex on a schedule, which like 20 year old me would have been horrified by. But when your husband works five, six nights a week and you have a child who is in and out of the hospital, yeah, you schedule sex. But that became so important too, that we still had that physical time together. But then afterwards, you know, we're laying in our bed in the dark and we can have these very frank conversations, these honest conversations and check ins about where we're both at emotionally and what is worrying us. And I think those intimate conversations afterwards were just as strengthening to our marriage as the physical connection we experienced before. And then again, after Adelaide died, we went through this really rocky period. And actually in some of the earlier versions of the book, I had friends read it who knew Miguel well. And they were like, they his behavior angered them. You know, there's, I would be on the floor of the bathroom hysterically crying, just cannot hold it together. It's like a grief exorcism. And Miguel would like peek in and check on me and then leave. And it took us going to therapy to realize I knew we were grieving differently and I knew that people grieve differently. I couldn't control my grief nor did I care to. My grief needed to be public. I think I needed it to be witnessed. I needed it to be shared. I needed people to not forget Adelaide and I needed them to know that I was still grieving her. And so there was this need for it to be public. But Miguel was the exact opposite. For him, I suppose ironically too as a performer, but he needed to grieve privately. For him, that was something that he did on his own. I would later find out that he would be walking our dog at night and he would be crying while he's picking up the dog poop. Or later on, he would tell me we moved back to New Jersey during the pandemic and he's renovating one of our bathrooms and he's grouting the shower and he started crying because he's realizing that Adelaide's never gonna live in this house. And the conclusion that we sort of came to was that I'm not gonna tell him how to grieve and he's not gonna tell me how to grieve. And he never once made me feel guilty or less than or too much for the way that I was grieving. And from him, I just asked, when you have those moments, when you're grieving her, when you're thinking about her, when her loss is impacting her, can you just tell me about it? And so he would, we'd be getting morning coffee and chatting and he would tell me that last night he was crying over shower grout. And it sounds silly, but it made me feel so much less alone in my grief. I also came to the conclusion that like your partner can't be everything for you. They cannot fill all the roles. And the second that you start to think that they can be everything and everyone for you is when that disappointment and that resentment really starts to build. I use this example where if your sink breaks and it's leaking and your partner can't fix it, you don't get mad at them, you call a plumber. So Miguel struggled to be there for me in these emotional aspects of my grief. So I outsourced it. I found those friends. I called Jenny. I called Courtney. I called my girlfriends in to be around me and to support me in the way that Miguel couldn't. And it wasn't fair of me to ask him of that. He was grieving on his own. He was managing in his own way. And so I think as we're moving through our relationships and through these different seasons of life, as our relationships evolve and change with us, we have to continuously look at that relationship and be like, okay, can my person fill this need? No, then it's okay to outsource it. Maybe not the sex part. Maybe that means to stay in the marriage. You know you're in trouble when you start outsourcing those nights. But I do think that there's certain pieces where it's okay, you know? And I think that that is what has kept our our marriage together and and supporting each other and, you know, the handoffs that and he's incredibly charming and and handsome and talented. You at our Greenwich Retreat, which you just came to last weekend, you mentioned that now you get such a kick out of it when you're with Miguel and people say, oh, this is Kelly's husband. Tell me tell us about that. It's my favorite. I spent, I mean, this is part of like a genuine part of my identity struggles in Chicago because I would attend events with Miguel and it was always, Oh Miguel, and this is his wife, Kelly, or just his wife. Everywhere we went, it was just his wife, Kelly. And then I would go to doctor's appointments with Adelaide or we'd be in the hospital and I was just mom, doctors, nurses, everyone. And I get it. They're not going to learn every guardian's name, but it was, mom, do you need any water? Mom, when was her last seizure? And so I lost Kelly in the mix of that. I certainly lost the pursuit of who I was and the core of me, but I lost me in the physical world. I lost my name. I became my the most present and visual part of me was as these roles to other people in this supporting nature. And I want that main character energy, man. Like, I am ambitious and I can step into a support background piece. But at the end of the day, I want my spotlight too. And it's taken me years to not be ashamed of that. And so this has been really fun. We're planning this book tour, we're going to these cities for these ticketed events. And Miguel is gonna be performing and singing. And then he gets to introduce me as, you know, the star and the reason that people are there to come and experience this book. And it is. It's so fun. And it's this sort of back and forth balance, but it allows me to appreciate and be proud of those moments where I can still go back and be Miguel's wife. And I am still Jackson and Adelaide and now Anessa's mom. But I think that we need our moments. We need our moments in the spotlight and to be seen and to be appreciated. And this book is allowing me to take that back a little bit and I cannot wait. Amazing. Kelly, thank you so much for coming on. Congratulations to you and

[31:11]Zibby Owens: wishing you all the best in the journey. Thank you. I appreciate you. Thank you. Thank you for listening to Totally Booked with Zibby, formerly moms don't have time to read books. If you loved the show, tell a friend, leave a review, follow me on Instagram at Zibby Owens, and spread the word. Thanks so much. Oh, and buy the books.