Pam Sherman with Talia Bender Small Live at Zibby's Bookshop
[0:00]in our backyard and Pam set to honor to do this with you.
[0:03]Thank you for inviting me.
[0:06]Pam Sherman is remarkable.
[0:08]I know there's some people here that know us from FQ
[0:11]that are getting to know Pam.
[0:12]So I'm really excited for you to get,
[0:13]for you all to get to know her tonight
[0:15]and more about your book,
[0:16]because I've learned so much from it.
[0:18]I'm gonna share just a little bit of background
[0:20]and then we'll dive in to-
[0:21]Can we stay ahead with that?
[0:22]So let's talk about how we met.
[0:23]So of course, Tolly Abender's small.
[0:28]I'll make the introduction is the president
[0:30]of the female quotient,
[0:32]making a difference impact around the world,
[0:35]ensuring that inclusion, belonging and fairness
[0:40]plays out at work and at home
[0:43]and in all aspects of our lives.
[0:45]So I'm so honored.
[0:46]I've gotten to know her first from afar
[0:48]and then how lucky are we that our husband's met
[0:51]and I said, and they said,
[0:53]and they're here tonight.
[0:55]You're always having an amazing partner
[0:56]who really helps for equity in at home.
[0:59]And they said, oh, you two should meet.
[1:02]I'm like, I already know who she is.
[1:04]And then we got a chance to meet.
[1:06]I tried to bring you into a bunch of clients
[1:07]and the female quotient was kind enough
[1:10]to have me come and talk about my book
[1:12]at the possible conference.
[1:14]So thank you for being here.
[1:16]Thank you.
[1:16]Pam is the first person that I've ever met
[1:19]through business through my husband.
[1:21]Because he worked in total opposite field.
[1:25]So this is like extra.
[1:27]This is not a regular occurrence.
[1:28]Yeah, my husband cleans out dirty restaurants,
[1:30]old and easy less than I've met.
[1:33]And Pam, when she came to our event at possible,
[1:37]got everyone up, standing, dancing.
[1:39]So please expect maybe a little bit of this is gonna be fun.
[1:42]We're gonna make this fun.
[1:44]Okay, so let's just give a little bit of background on you.
[1:47]You're an actor, writer, leadership consultant,
[1:50]and recovering lawyer.
[1:51]I don't think we've ever had any intro with all those,
[1:55]all those titles in one.
[1:57]People at magazine actually profiled you for this
[2:00]because it was such an interesting transition
[2:02]to go from courtroom to stage, as you say.
[2:05]We've talked already.
[2:06]You've been such a dear friend and mentor
[2:07]and like truly talk about an advocate for women.
[2:11]So thank you.
[2:13]These days you traveled, globe speaking,
[2:15]facilitating, coaching, leaders on finding their edge.
[2:19]I don't, I was gonna explain my edges,
[2:21]but I think I'm gonna not take the spotlight on that.
[2:23]Do you wanna know what it is?
[2:24]But I wanna know what my husband is from Geneva,
[2:27]New York, not Switzerland, which is kind of a bummer.
[2:30]And when I met him, I'm from Staten Island, New York,
[2:34]which is a very dark place.
[2:36]I mean, it's a really wonderful place.
[2:39]But he said, you're very edgy, like it was a bad thing.
[2:41]And I started thinking about it.
[2:43]I'm like, edge is a good thing.
[2:45]It means I explore, I dream, I grow, and I excite.
[2:49]And it became, because I'm a lawyer,
[2:51]I think in acronyms,
[2:52]because it's the only way we can remember
[2:53]the defense is to murder.
[2:55]Um, but in this case, it really became a platform
[3:00]and a foundation for me, for how I both live my life
[3:04]and I perform the work that I do for leaders and teens.
[3:07]So they can have an edge in their life too.
[3:09]And it's how we organize the book.
[3:11]I insisted that I use the explore dream grow
[3:15]and excite model so that people can understand
[3:17]there was a through line to who I was
[3:19]to what I was offering the world.
[3:21]I think that's one of the things I appreciated most
[3:23]about the book.
[3:24]It's so easy to read and follow
[3:26]and actually gives you real exercise.
[3:27]So we're gonna start actually going through edge.
[3:30]That's how I wanna start.
[3:31]And let's just talk, the book is play you
[3:33]the role of a lifetime.
[3:34]All about the believability gap.
[3:37]Did you coined the phrase?
[3:39]Maybe.
[3:40]I'd like to say that you coined the phrase.
[3:42]Well, it became very interesting to me
[3:45]because I often hear people say, you know,
[3:47]I'm authentic and being authentic in the world is,
[3:50]and of course being authentic is incredible.
[3:53]But what I learned as an actor is that authenticity
[3:56]is all about you.
[3:58]Believability is about you and the audience
[4:01]that you serve or you want to impact
[4:03]or you want to influence.
[4:04]And so that became deeper to me.
[4:06]I wanted there to be an understanding
[4:08]of how do you believe in yourself,
[4:11]but then how do you get others to believe in you too?
[4:13]Because that's the most important currency
[4:16]we have in the world is this golden thread
[4:18]that we have between us and our audiences.
[4:20]You are not you and a vacuum.
[4:23]And okay, so you just explained a little bit.
[4:25]You gave context on believability gap.
[4:27]Can you also just explain a little bit
[4:29]on how you came up with edge
[4:30]and then we'll go through each section of edge?
[4:33]Yeah, so it's interesting.
[4:35]I wanted it to be about exploring who you are.
[4:38]Starting with you, even though on my favorite line
[4:42]is it's really not about you ultimately
[4:43]in the end.
[4:44]It's ultimately about everyone else that you serve.
[4:48]So that exploration is understanding the connections
[4:51]between yourself, what's important to you?
[4:54]What are your power comes from?
[4:57]And that whole journey.
[4:59]So we should be.
[5:00]talk a little bit about. Yeah, I mean, okay, so let's break down each strategy,
[5:03]because I really like, I did a deep dive. I love it. I came up with my power words which we're
[5:07]going to get to. Okay, so first, let's talk about exploring your character. What does this mean
[5:12]in practice? Because many of us maybe haven't read and done deep dive. And what are the best
[5:16]methods that people should go about doing this? Well, it's interesting because for me, when I really
[5:22]discovered the believability gap, and if I could just go back a little bit, I had always dreamed
[5:27]of being an actor, I used to play the piano with the door wide open on Staten Island,
[5:32]hoping that a wandering talent agent would hear me saying, why are you laughing? They do.
[5:38]They don't wander the streets of Staten Island. And I came from a very traditional family. My
[5:42]father was an OBGYN and my mother was a Freudian psychoanalyst, which was super confusing growing up.
[5:48]And to them being an actor was just not the path I was going to take. So instead, I thought it
[5:53]it would be like LA law. That's I'm totally aging myself. And that I would be a lawyer like it
[5:58]was on TV. And the funny thing happened when I finally got through law school and started practicing,
[6:05]it wasn't like that at all. And I didn't feel like I could be myself in the role that I was playing
[6:11]lawyer. I found my confidence was camping down. I wasn't as creative. I wasn't doing what I was
[6:17]supposed to do, which is to solve my clients' problems and have all the judges and juries and
[6:25]the other side believe in me in negotiations. So I decided to go back and take an acting class in my
[6:31]spare time as a young lawyer, which is ridiculous. Like what made that, what was the misery?
[6:36]I was being on the floor of the office with a door shut and literally crying silently at the
[6:43]ceiling that I was not feeling right in my skin. And I will say, I came home and I said, I think
[6:50]I'm going to go take an acting class at the Shakespeare Theatre if anybody knows in Washington.
[6:54]It's a fabulous theater edge hero. And I get into this Saturday morning class and I realized
[7:02]all these people are not pretending. They're actually creating a collaboration of believability.
[7:09]They're working on their characters. They're exploring who that character is. So you, the audience,
[7:13]would go on a journey and want to sit there and watch them. And I realized that I started
[7:20]acting differently at work. People were asking if when I made partner, like I'm not a partner,
[7:26]but I don't want to be. But it was a real revelation to me that that acting studio brought me
[7:34]back to where, in fact, my acting teacher from college is here tonight. So the work we did at
[7:40]American University with our body language and our full selves. And it changed everything for me.
[7:48]And then my law firm went out of business. And I found like great, the secure profession is gone.
[7:55]And I got a call from the Department of Justice. And they said, can you help make our lawyers more
[7:59]interesting? And I said, no, although they are right now. Aren't they super interesting?
[8:04]And I realized why couldn't I help them learn the skills that actors learn so that they could
[8:16]tell great stories so that they could show up and people would want to follow them. And that has
[8:22]that really took me around the world. And I realized I liked it a lot better than frankly being
[8:28]on stage. Okay, before we get back to Ed, I want to ask you a question on that, which is like,
[8:34]a lot of us will take courses or learn things. But then it's really hard to bring it actually
[8:38]in practice back to your real life. Yes. How did you help teach in the early days? Now you do
[8:44]this regularly. But how did you like take that learning and bring it into practice for corporate?
[8:49]It's funny because when I first started, I talked about acting all the time. And then I
[8:55]started to identify with my corporate captors in the same way. And I was like, oh, we can't
[9:00]talk about acting here. You know, we're a medical device company. And their engineers and they'll
[9:05]be so frightened of you. And I'm like, I'm frightened of them. They're engineers, you know, or the
[9:09]finance team. You can't talk about, you know, feelings with the finance team. And I realized if I
[9:16]could bring it down to elemental ideas of character development, meaning, you know, who are you at the
[9:23]core? What do you believe in? AKA values, right? They all had the values up on the wall for the
[9:30]company. You have to have your own values. They might be different for you than what the company
[9:35]espouses. And you have to bring who you are into these teams and hallways and individual interactions.
[9:44]So I always knew it wasn't going to be about presentation skills. There are very wonderful people
[9:49]who know how to do that. For me, it was about how can you really be fully who you are for and with
[9:56]others. Yeah. Okay. Amazing. Okay. So.
[10:00]Um, one of the sections you talk about is finding your power words and power drivers.
[10:05]Yes.
[10:06]So we're going to do an exercise in a minute with everyone, which I'm really excited about,
[10:10]but can you just share at a high level how people should go about forming those?
[10:14]And you talk a lot about this.
[10:15]You can read more in the book.
[10:16]So I've done this exercise.
[10:17]Now I can say with thousands of people around the world, and I do it with 500 people
[10:22]in an audience or 80 people at bookstore.
[10:25]And it's all about if you could think of one word that defines you at the core.
[10:31]And honestly, I came up with it because I couldn't come up with my word, and I was
[10:36]a little lost, and I wanted to figure out how I wanted to be in the world.
[10:41]And my word came to me as a gift.
[10:44]Someone came up to me at an event in Casablanca, Morocco, of all places, and said, thank you
[10:49]for sharing your energy with us.
[10:51]I was like, oh, that's my word.
[10:55]And it's the word that I want everyone to understand about me.
[10:59]It's the one I have to pay attention to.
[11:01]If I'm not paying attention to my energy, how can I help other people with their energy?
[11:07]And so if you had to think of one word, and there's only two rules, it can't be situational,
[11:13]hot, late, tired, hungry.
[11:17]And it have to be self-aware.
[11:19]So the person who says they're inspirational and everyone in the room is going, yeah,
[11:24]that's not the word I would use.
[11:27]How many times does that happen to many?
[11:30]It was one guy, for sure.
[11:33]But my favorite was, the words that come out are marvelous.
[11:38]And I've had clients struggle with it.
[11:41]And then in the moment, people will come up with it.
[11:44]And this one kid, 21-year-old intern in San Francisco, at the largest experiential marketing
[11:51]company in the world, he said, oh, my word's leader.
[11:54]And I'm like, really?
[11:55]He said, my mother said I'm a leader.
[11:57]Therefore I am.
[11:58]And I'm like, wow, I'm dying to know what happened to him.
[12:02]There you go.
[12:03]Okay, so can we do a little exercise with everyone?
[12:05]Okay, so we're going to do a preview exercise and then please go do the full thing with
[12:09]the book.
[12:10]But can everyone close their eyes?
[12:14]And would love for everyone.
[12:15]We're going to spend a full minute on this.
[12:17]But think about the core defining word that is the foundation for your character.
[12:23]And then we're going to maybe call on a few brave people to share their words.
[12:26]Okay, so we're going to give everyone a minute or add it to each other or share with each
[12:29]other.
[12:30]Okay, so we're going to have everyone a minute to really spend time on this.
[12:35]How do you want to be perceived?
[12:38]When are you feeling your best self?
[12:42]When you have in that day, you know, the great hair day metaphorically, that actually
[12:47]is really good.
[12:48]Okay.
[12:49]Okay.
[12:50]So, turn to your partner and turn around and talk to somebody you haven't met yet if
[13:09]you're willing and share your word.
[13:13]This is the best part.
[13:16]Do you like that?
[13:17]I brought an interactive video.
[13:18]It is pretty like what's so, it's such a great exercise.
[13:23]I've done it with 500 people and you should bring this into, we should make this a segment
[13:29]of everything.
[13:30]Yes.
[13:31]Because this is where their power lies.
[13:34]Look at the energy in the room, right?
[13:36]I don't want to do that.
[13:38]Yes.
[13:39]How is the bait that you have a baby?
[13:42]Alexa, right?
[13:43]Yes.
[13:44]You're so sick.
[13:45]She did.
[13:46]She did.
[13:47]She did.
[13:48]She did.
[13:49]She did.
[13:50]Yeah, she's 30.
[13:51]And one of his, he's not in the wedding party, but one of his best friends is here
[13:56]and went to MIT with and he's going to be singing at the wedding.
[14:00]Yeah, yeah, sorry.
[14:04]And then you can get some far shots from the back.
[14:08]I think you can get some far shots from the back if you want.
[14:11]Okay, good, good, good.
[14:12]All right.
[14:13]Okay, we're going to bring it back.
[14:15]Hi.
[14:16]Oh, God.
[14:17]I know.
[14:18]I love that.
[14:19]Okay, we're going to bring it back.
[14:21]Maybe we'll call on.
[14:23]Oh, there you go.
[14:24]So, you know what's so exciting?
[14:27]From the silence, that sort of beautiful quiet where people were feeling it.
[14:34]I love it.
[14:35]We can't stop them talking.
[14:36]Neil Sherman, you're the one.
[14:37]Neil Sherman, I love you the pieces.
[14:40]So from that beautiful quiet to the energy that happened in the room and the smiles and
[14:47]the instant understanding of who you are with one word.
[14:51]So my friend, do you want to share your word?
[14:54]Yes.
[14:55]One word.
[14:57]Oh, yes.
[14:58]I have been in her.
[15:00]presence and you feel that it emanates. Thank you. Who else wants to throw
[15:04]out another word? Right in the back.
[15:07]Our head of social and our head of marketing are right here.
[15:17]There you go. Aren't you glad you came off?
[15:21]Thank you.
[15:24]Oh, yes. Thank you for sharing your fire. Anybody else?
[15:28]This is the lady I met at the airport a month ago.
[15:32]It was Washington D.C.
[15:35]Yes.
[15:39]Thank you.
[15:47]I love everybody's like I want what she's having.
[15:52]I mean honestly I can tell you that no one ever picks a crappy word about
[15:56]themselves.
[15:57]They just don't.
[15:58]I mean if they do, I say let's sit with a work on that.
[16:02]Figure it out and I can turn a crappy word into a good word anyway.
[16:06]Yeah. That was really fun.
[16:08]Okay so everyone has to go maybe we'll like collect everyone and share them at some point.
[16:12]Yeah. That was really fun. Thank you all for participating that exercise.
[16:16]Okay so we're going to go back to the next set of edge.
[16:20]I love how you talk a lot about dreaming of your future story.
[16:24]This is this like really, I really appreciate this.
[16:27]We have to all manifest.
[16:29]Yes.
[16:30]Let me talk.
[16:31]You probably don't even maybe don't like that word.
[16:33]I don't because they talk a little bit about that second.
[16:36]That's a very LA word.
[16:37]I've definitely, you know.
[16:38]They didn't come back.
[16:39]You're Pittsburgh.
[16:40]You know it's funny because I actually use vision like a muscle.
[16:48]I think having a vision is really important for believing in yourself.
[16:53]Because I actually got really lucky in had and did some research hired a PhD.
[16:59]I'm like can you prove this point?
[17:01]Like if you, if you have a belief in a vision for your future,
[17:06]what does it do for you?
[17:08]And fascinating.
[17:10]Because I was going to write a book called Embracing the Accidental Life,
[17:13]which I own all the URLs for.
[17:15]So if anybody works for an insurance company, it's yours.
[17:19]But the idea that if something, if you have a vision,
[17:23]if something takes you off the path of that vision,
[17:26]something unexpected, something not great,
[17:29]something, you know, it could be something great, right?
[17:32]But something you didn't expect.
[17:33]People who have a vision are more likely to get back on the path
[17:37]towards achieving it because they haven't at all.
[17:40]And the story I tell in the book is the story of an incredible woman,
[17:44]my friend Amina Salawi, who was named by the World Economic Fund,
[17:49]one of the most influential disability rights activists in the world,
[17:54]fell off a bike in Costa Rica when her children were young,
[17:57]and she was with her husband on a beautiful vacation,
[17:59]and became a paraplegic in that moment.
[18:02]And she went on to have a vision about her life while going through rehab
[18:07]in Rochester, Minnesota at the Mayo Clinic,
[18:10]while she had to go to Paris because there was no rehabilitation hospital in Morocco.
[18:17]She dreamed of building that hospital.
[18:20]She dreamed of changing the world for the disabled in her country and beyond.
[18:25]And she dreamed she said, I'm going to have two more children with my husband,
[18:29]and she did, and that youngest one became an equestrian in the Olympics.
[18:33]I'm like, she could fall off the horse, don't you?
[18:36]She's an incredible vision story to me,
[18:40]became an active believability journey for her whole life.
[18:45]And seeing it where she talks about what she's done looking back,
[18:49]I believe that if you don't have that vision,
[18:51]you won't achieve the ability to have a story from the past
[18:55]that can illuminate someone else's future,
[18:58]because that's really what vision does.
[19:00]And there's a great quote that is in the book about,
[19:03]it's not what vision is, it's what vision does.
[19:06]And I think that's so important to have,
[19:09]because we talk about storytelling,
[19:11]but what's the stories we should actually know, right?
[19:14]What are the stories we should tell?
[19:15]That one is critical.
[19:17]Wow, thank you for sharing that.
[19:19]We have to profile her, so we have to come back to her.
[19:21]She's an amazing story.
[19:23]Okay, and then your last pillar,
[19:25]you talk a lot about rehearsing you.
[19:27]And this is something, it's actually interesting.
[19:29]I'm thinking about this a lot because with AI tools,
[19:32]which I know probably some of us are playing with,
[19:35]there's a lot of voice to text that you start getting used to.
[19:40]So it's actually, I think plays an important role in getting
[19:43]more comfortable with rehearsing you.
[19:45]Yeah.
[19:46]And also with, you know, especially women,
[19:48]we don't typically prioritize ourselves in the equation.
[19:52]So can you talk about rehearsing you?
[19:54]What does it actually mean in practice?
[19:56]How do we start?
[19:57]How should we implement that?
[19:58]It is sort of a counterintuitive.
[20:00]of concept to say, you know, play you the role of a lifetime, be believable, and then
[20:05]figure out rehearsing.
[20:07]But the concept really comes from how do we move the derailleurs that take us off our game?
[20:13]And so what does that mean?
[20:15]Well, what's the most, the biggest derailleur that I have is my inner voice holding
[20:20]me back.
[20:21]And it could also be things like, you know, time and whatever, you know, there's external
[20:26]derailleurs.
[20:27]For believability, I think we often have to remove the internal derailleurs.
[20:32]So some of them, and we have a whole exercise, how you find your own derailleur.
[20:36]I call it the archetypes, you know, the anti-heroes in your head who hold you back.
[20:42]So hello and posture, my old friend, I, you know, I want to hear a good one that we heard
[20:46]in the lounge.
[20:47]Yeah.
[20:48]A woman, a legendary woman in advertising says, shut that chip in your head.
[20:52]Exactly.
[20:53]But I say, talk to that, like, you would never talk to your best friend that way.
[20:59]So come up with a script, an alternative script, then the narrative that you have, rehearse
[21:04]you is, let's say I have to have a difficult conversation that I don't want to have with
[21:08]an employee or a child or, you know, somebody that is in your circle, having that difficult
[21:16]conversation might require rehearsal.
[21:18]I guess AI is a tool to use for that, but, you know, AI is an enhancer and an amplifier
[21:26]of our believability.
[21:27]It has to be used for that.
[21:29]It can be helpful, but I also think I'm a big believer in the power of the pen that journaling.
[21:37]We all know the research that it imprints on our souls.
[21:40]An unconscious helpmate that AI can't, you know, thank goodness for a good old fashioned
[21:48]pen and paper.
[21:49]It will all go.
[21:50]Yeah.
[21:51]Exactly.
[21:52]Yeah.
[21:53]So AI can help you organize your thinking, but then you have to go and rehearse yourself
[21:58]what it is you want to say.
[22:00]And I find doing that, and sometimes even finding a great accountability partner is to
[22:03]do it with.
[22:04]Let's talk it through.
[22:05]Yeah.
[22:07]What is like the best, who's the best example of someone you've found that, like, totally
[22:12]moved all derailleurs aside?
[22:14]Well, it's so funny because it's the opening story in the book.
[22:17]All those stories have been fictionalized.
[22:20]And I love when my clients say, was I that guy in the book, and I'm like, oh, not that
[22:25]one.
[22:26]No.
[22:27]But there was, you know, a client that I worked with who, you know, my favorite stories
[22:31]are when they call me and they say, you know, I didn't think I could do the role like
[22:36]the person who came before me, you know, the vice president.
[22:39]And by the way, when we talk about women, we all know the research, it still stands true
[22:44]that women won't take the promotion until they feel they're absolutely ready.
[22:48]Chris, thank you, men.
[22:50]You'll take it anyway.
[22:51]And you'll figure it out along the way.
[22:53]So I work with a lot of women who say, well, I can't be the vice president of Phil
[22:58]in the blank, marketing, you know, in the medical world, whether it's, you know, medical
[23:06]affairs or clinical affairs or all the roles that you can think of, I can't do it like
[23:11]the person before me.
[23:12]Well, why would you want to do it like a person before you?
[23:14]Let's go through the steps so you could play it like you.
[23:18]And, you know, the person who got the promotion and private equity, you know, bought the
[23:23]company because of the work she did.
[23:25]And, you know, those are the success stories and they're a myriad of them.
[23:30]It is so much about, I want to ask you about confidence and then we'll come back to your
[23:34]exciting.
[23:35]But it is so much about confidence and I know you talk about that and at the female quotient,
[23:39]the first phrase we ever coined was confidence is beautiful.
[23:43]And it does, but it does come back to knowing yourself, believing in yourself.
[23:49]So can you just, how did you find your confidence?
[23:51]Can you talk about that a little bit?
[23:52]It was really funny.
[23:53]I had one client at the end of an engagement.
[23:54]We'd worked together for six, seven months, you know, one-on-one coaching and she said,
[23:58]when are we going to do the confidence work?
[24:02]Wait, do you feel well?
[24:05]I feel more comfortable in my role.
[24:07]I, you know, had that difficult conversation with the, you know, colleague who wasn't,
[24:11]you know, doing what I needed him to do.
[24:12]It was, she's like, oh, oh, that was confidence of like, yes, confidence.
[24:19]I think it settles into us and like, you're wearing just the, you know, the best coat
[24:24]that fits right and it's not something that is put on.
[24:28]It just feels like you're in your own skin.
[24:31]How did it come to me?
[24:32]Well, my husband will tell you that before every speech keynote, anything, he's like,
[24:36]oh, that's coming up, you know, because I still get nervous.
[24:40]And I've learned that nerves doesn't mean I'm not confident.
[24:43]I still know that I can, it means that you care.
[24:46]It means I care.
[24:47]Well, there's a great quote from Sarah Bernhardt, attributed to her from an actor who said
[24:52]to her, oh, I never get nervous before I go on.
[24:55]And the great Sarah Bernhardt said, well, people without talent rarely do.
[25:00]That was such a good cause to me you know having it energizes me and that's always the
[25:09]head fake but the confidence honestly comes from doing the work I did all this work I
[25:16]did it on myself I didn't know what I was going to do I needed to start a company I was
[25:21]in you know first I was a lawyer then I became an actor and then I moved to Rochester New
[25:25]York where there was one equity theater and no film and television and now I'm
[25:30]like I got to figure out another thing to do and a friend of mine I thought about
[25:35]being a lawyer again he said can you help my you know lawyers do what you do you
[25:38]know what the way you talk to people and they talk back to you and I'm like you
[25:41]mean to have a conversation and he said yes and I was like I guess I could do
[25:47]that and I the first client I had I was so nervous I didn't know what I was going to do and
[25:53]in each client I have I want to make sure that they're getting the value that they
[25:57]expect but most important that they have the confidence to go out and be who they are.
[26:03]And how have you like the people I love like the example you share before you're working
[26:07]on it for months like how do people retain that confidence to know well it is a muscle
[26:12]yeah I you know I often say first of all I leave them with the tools I check in with
[26:19]them but I also make sure you know how many people are working in a large company here
[26:24]and none of their leadership you know they get their smart goals for the year and I look
[26:29]at them I'm like where is the thing about you where's the thing where your development
[26:33]is going to be continued where's the thing where you tell your boss I'm working on being
[26:38]a better story teller and they're looking at how they can help you do that and also
[26:42]giving you feedback about it so there's that and for me it's also you know I had a client
[26:50]who I worked with and 10 years later years later she came a CEO of the largest mental
[26:56]health practice in the country very important work and she pulled out the notebook like
[27:01]I used to like print out things and found them out and she said here is all the work
[27:06]and I took this and I use it over and over and over again to me that's that's why
[27:12]we wanted to get rehearsing you get rehearsing it but the book is meant to be I want
[27:17]it to be like written in and the publishers like we should do a workbook I'm like okay no we
[27:22]want people to write in this book I want you know so that so you can't give it away to somebody
[27:27]else you have to buy it for somebody else it's really brilliant actually but that's not why
[27:32]it's because the I want it to be actionable yeah no it's okay thank you for that okay so we're
[27:38]going to get back to edge we have to finish the last one which is talking talk about exciting
[27:42]your audience this is a big this is a big area for you can you talk share about that a little
[27:49]bit yeah because it's interesting in my model I saved the audience for the end because you
[27:56]know often you're excited about your mission and that's great but you have to remember you have
[28:00]to take people on a journey to be inspired by your mission to want to go along with you because
[28:06]to me the definition of leadership is in this sat on my husband's first bosses credenza
[28:12]does anybody remember what a credenza was was a plaque and it said leadership is the ability to
[28:18]communicate a vision and gain commitment to it and that to me is the most important thing is to
[28:24]ignite your audience around your mission but then they want to follow it they want to take that
[28:31]vision and they amplify it when I think about you coming as an intern to the female quotient
[28:37]and now you're the president and the amplification of the brand to form million followers you are
[28:44]the you know the vision that was in Shelley's you know heart is amplified by igniting the audience
[28:53]around her and now the audience of millions so to me you are doing exactly what the book talks
[29:00]well thank you how how should others emulate like how to bring people on that journey I think
[29:06]about Shelley in that quite a bit because she's someone that people have followed and engaged with
[29:11]and it's hard to it's hard to nail that and obviously everyone also has to think about who their
[29:17]audience is but what that looks like but can you share well it's funny my favorite story is this
[29:21]or even advertising executive who's gonna be here tonight but she couldn't be here but she told
[29:28]she told me I am I've got to give a speech and I don't it's first thing in the morning like
[29:32]7.30 in the morning and I'm like oh my god that's the worst time of day and she wanted to share
[29:37]like what it was to you know to create an event and everything chaos happens right you never know
[29:44]what's gonna happen at an event like tonight like all of you we didn't know what was gonna happen
[29:48]and so I said we're always gonna be on the beach and I'm like oh my gosh what if you blow up like
[29:53]50 beach balls and throw the beach balls out and and that's your opening and everybody has to keep
[29:59]the beach balls
[30:00]up and not spill their coffee. It's a game. Engaging the audience, like we just did with you,
[30:05]and it was masterful. She got from standing up, throwing coffee, flying everywhere.
[30:11]And then she said, now sit down, that's what experiential marketing is all about.
[30:15]And I used that story because it's really about how can we engage our audience, get them
[30:21]involved, feel like they're in it. That's exactly what you do with every activation of the
[30:27]FQ Lounge around the world. So what's the thing you can do that's creative to get your
[30:33]audience to really want to be on the journey with you? Because you've got to prime their pump,
[30:37]so they'll stay and listen to the rest of what you have to say. Right? Both of that example.
[30:41]Yeah. So good. We should do that. We're going to do that. Baseball's on a con lion. I'm coming,
[30:46]though. I have to throw this balls out. You shared a lot of examples which have been amazing.
[30:51]What's your favorite example or story of someone who's really embraced edge and totally transformed
[30:57]one of the things I do that I really resonate because we spend so much time at FQ work,
[31:02]focus on work. But I love that edge is really about your whole self. Yes. Which is super important.
[31:08]But what's your favorite transformation story? Oh, wow. That's hard. That's hard. Okay.
[31:14]What are your favorites? One of my favorites. Well, you know, the executive who got stuck in COVID
[31:20]and she wanted to motivate her team and she's like, what am I going to do? She had just gotten
[31:26]this huge new role on the guy who came before her used to send an email out and, you know,
[31:32]it was like motivation Monday. And I was like, what if you start filming yourself at your house?
[31:37]Like, let's, let's do little videos. And she's like, nobody's going to watch it. I'm like,
[31:43]everybody's going to watch it because they're stuck at home. And it's Monday. And, and she's like,
[31:48]but it's going to be in my house with my kids in the mess. And I'm like, exactly.
[31:53]All going through this. They're doing that. And I mean, I can't believe she did it. Now,
[31:57]I'm so proud. And every Sunday she's on a vacation. Is this good? I'm like, it's great. It wasn't.
[32:02]It didn't matter. It was. It was okay that it was her. And when she started feeling comfortable
[32:08]being her, she got, she put away, she would like read these things that, you know, sorry that the
[32:14]cons team would give her. And I was like, yeah, let go of the script. And, and she got comfortable
[32:20]being her. And now I think she spoke at the mess, you know, women's conference and nailed it.
[32:26]Like, you know, it's completely different. Okay. I actually want to ask more on that because a big
[32:32]focus right now for many executives and leaders and just people in general is building their
[32:37]personal brand online. And a big part of that is video. Yes. And so many leaders and people that we
[32:43]work with are so scared of going on video. And you just have to start. So much of it, right? It's
[32:49]starting and well, the rest. I'm terrible at it. I'm going to tell you because I'm like talking to my
[32:54]phone. But you'll go for it. That's what I mean. I think so. It's usually, you know, dark at night,
[33:00]like when I'm for me. Look, I think you have to be who you are wherever you are in order to
[33:09]ignite your audience. You can't be. It's like, you know, you're dealing with how old are your
[33:14]kids? So yeah, you're trying to teach them how to, you know, tie their shoes. That's leadership
[33:19]as far as I'm concerned, right? My poor kids never learned Velcro. I mean, you know, leadership
[33:24]shows up in the most interesting ways. So yes, we're all showing it online. I've actually a believer
[33:32]in being really thoughtful about what I put out and ensuring that there's some gift that I'm giving
[33:39]my audience in putting that brand online. And that's why, you know, it's about leadership is the
[33:45]ability to communicate a vision, gain commitment to it. I want emotionally connected followers,
[33:50]small but mighty, but you know, like like the guy who's just sent me an email today that he
[33:55]did one of the exercises in the book because he had his review. And it was, we have a whole exercise.
[34:01]I say we because I worked with a wonderful editor. Her name is Larry Bishop and I give her credit
[34:07]in the book because somebody had to listen to me cry my eyes out that I wasn't going to get
[34:11]this book done. Other friends did too, but they weren't going to actually help me write it. So
[34:15]she made me write it, but she, she helped wrestle it all into the form you see today.
[34:22]And there was an exercise about instead of your, your role description at work,
[34:27]write your character description so that you can really understand who you are in the workplace.
[34:32]And he went and he's like, and my boss loved it. Awesome. Yeah. It was great. Wow. Okay. So we're
[34:37]going to open up for audience Q&A in a couple of minutes, but I just want to ask one more question,
[34:43]which is something that I spent a lot of time thinking about too, which is building relationships.
[34:48]And even just with the FQ community, we don't even use the word things like networking. It's
[34:52]about building real true relationships is something a theme that you talk a lot about in your book.
[34:56]And you talk about how being your true self allows
[35:00]you to build the deepest, most real long-standing relationships. Can you share a little bit about
[35:06]about that? Can I say I'm a little feeling very emotional because when I look out and I see
[35:12]my college professor here and an old friend who just walked in in the back and one of my son's best
[35:19]friends and two of a triplets set that I knew from birth. To me, you're very good at multi-generational
[35:28]which is a uniquely important because I learn more from you all than you can imagine.
[35:36]It's really important to me. I would say to me, building relationships is a gift
[35:43]where I get way more out of it than I can give, but I know that it starts with what can I give.
[35:50]And it is that concept of it's not about you. It's about generosity. I think we need more
[35:56]the golden thread of generosity in the world will actually help us all to deal with all the stuff
[36:03]happening in the world. And so to me it's about deepening relationships, checking in with somebody
[36:09]actually talking to them, knowing what's happening in their life, caring and caring. That's
[36:15]what we really need more of. And you're so happy. Our whole thing too is giving back the
[36:23]generosity. And I have to say your book is such a generous book. You genuinely, I have
[36:28]experienced this with you. Personally, you want everyone to be their best selves. So thank you for
[36:34]gifting us with this. Really, thank you. Thank you. A body on that. Thank you for that. I think we
[36:42]have time for a little bit of Q&A. Anyone have questions? I want to advice on our power on my
[36:51]power. I want to ask advice on your power words. Any brave questions?
[37:03]We're being livestream. Should I say my power words and you can, you can, you can tell me what
[37:07]you want to say. So it's funny. Your power, there's no critique for us. There's no greater
[37:12]wrong. I have some of our FQers here that can say. So which I was, I was wrestling between
[37:19]positive and solution oriented. I like positive because positive is solution oriented. Don't you
[37:25]think? I think if you could have a bigger word that subsumes all the other words, go for it.
[37:29]And it's like a hack. Yeah. So character beliefs for me switched around, you know. So those are your
[37:34]core values. So for me, it was, it was always excellence. But I had to sort of redefine it for myself
[37:42]and make it about integrity holding myself accountable and nothing perfect because excellence
[37:49]isn't perfection, but it's certainly striving for doing something better. Then there was family,
[37:55]but you know, they can be complicated. So I decided to make it connectedness because connectedness
[38:01]has meaning to me. And then the third one is humor because I believe we need more lightness in the
[38:10]world. And so humor is about, how can I lighten up a room? That's all. What were yours?
[38:16]Did you pick your character beliefs? No. Yeah. I was too focused on all my power words.
[38:22]Any questions? I have one more if we don't. Okay, go ahead.
[38:28]So everyone wants to grow coming. I hadn't acted for 13 years and about seven years ago,
[38:35]I was given the opportunity to go back on stage as my idol. Her name was Irma Bambek,
[38:42]if I'm looking at women and having them shake their heads and written a one-woman show
[38:47]written by twin sisters who were commissioned by the Bambek family to write the show. One of them
[38:53]actually lives here in Pasadena. And they, we got to do the production seven times around the country
[39:02]and exciting places like Cleveland and Des Moines and Denver. And I can tell you, we sold out
[39:10]every night in Des Moines. So we might, you know, we've talked about bringing it out here because
[39:17]I think there would be obviously with one of the playwrights here in the Bambek family is here.
[39:21]If you don't know who Irma Bambek was, she was, she was the original brand builder. She was
[39:30]a housewife and mother in Dayton, Ohio who took out her ironing board and started typing
[39:35]columns where she told the truth about what it was like to be a wife and mother with humor.
[39:40]She grew to over 900 newspapers. One of the still holds the record for the greatest syndicated
[39:47]columnist of all time was on the Johnny Carson show in Good Morning America. She is an icon.
[39:53]I've been trying to get her into the national women's hall of fame, but you know, pick funny people.
[39:57]I don't know what it is. And, um,
[40:00]And her story is really, and being able to play her with such a gift.
[40:04]So thank you for asking that question.
[40:06]We might bring it back.
[40:08]But this was like, I felt like I was having an Irma day between KTLA in the morning.
[40:12]And I would do like two shows a day and then all the news.
[40:15]And so this has been a lot of fun.
[40:17]Wow.
[40:18]That sounded amazing.
[40:19]Yeah.
[40:20]Well, it's paying attention to it.
[40:47]I have a journal.
[40:49]And on the front, it's all the things I have to do.
[40:51]And on the back, I actually put my court of finding word at the top of the page.
[40:56]I've energy.
[40:57]If I'm not taking care of my energy, if I'm not paying attention to my energy,
[41:01]what I'm putting out in the world.
[41:02]And I actually track it.
[41:04]So you can pay attention.
[41:06]It's really literally about paying attention to it.
[41:08]And I love the story of Marshall Goldsmith, who I was really lucky to get him to give
[41:13]me an endorsement of the book.
[41:17]He's like 87 years old.
[41:19]And every day he checks six things a day, like was I kind to somebody, did I make an impact?
[41:24]And he's still, he puts it on a spreadsheet.
[41:26]Like if you need to do that, I don't know if you want to make it a data.
[41:30]How was the data on the light?
[41:34]Do it the way you would do it.
[41:35]I would imagine, hey, I would be a great tool for tracking your court of finding word and
[41:39]whether you're keeping up with it.
[41:40]But I believe that journaling is a great tool and we do it all throughout the book.
[41:45]So it's good old fast and muscle management and paying attention to it.
[41:49]But that's a great word.
[41:50]I want to meet you now, right?
[41:52]I want to know more.
[41:54]Yes.
[41:55]Hi.
[41:56]This is Gail.
[41:58]You think that the criter woman, American men, electric physics team, room sex, acting
[42:05]class?
[42:06]First acting class that was in that, then 30 years later I'm inspired to meet.
[42:14]What skills that you require in your acting career, your acting training, that it
[42:22]has brought you to this school?
[42:26]Well, thank you, Gail, for being here.
[42:30]Gail taught me that I had something below the neck that there was a body.
[42:36]No, seriously, like she said, you know, because I was, I was very cerebral and I was doing
[42:42]all that work work on backstory.
[42:44]I really could really do a backstory like you couldn't believe for my characters.
[42:48]But she's like, wait a minute, you have to make this all encompassing.
[42:51]This is holistic.
[42:53]And for friends who are here who do holistic, you know, wellness work, she taught me how
[42:58]to breathe.
[42:59]You know, I'll never forget.
[43:02]I had an Alexander technique teacher who teaches us about our spine and our skeleton.
[43:08]And we have a whole chapter on, let's get physical and, you know, how your body language
[43:13]really can impact your audience and can make a difference for you.
[43:17]So I want to thank you because I think you were the first person who put sneakers on me
[43:20]and said, let's run.
[43:21]I'm like, what is running around a track?
[43:23]Have to do with playing an old woman in the Rhymers of Eldritch and I, and I learned it.
[43:29]So thank you.
[43:30]Well, breathe, you mean breathing, paying attention to your body?
[43:37]Yes.
[43:38]Am I answering the question?
[43:39]No, no, I love it.
[43:45]Whoo!
[43:46]I love it.
[43:47]It's a critic.
[43:48]If I had a law school professor here, I would melt right now.
[43:55]What should we learn from class?
[43:57]Yeah.
[43:58]Well, it's interesting because I do think we forget that we have to breathe into our
[44:02]diaphragm and that our diaphragm is a muscle that can be exercised.
[44:07]And, you know, you have a difficult conversation and you're breathing shallowly.
[44:11]It's going to affect how you show up for that.
[44:13]You have a difficult conversation and you stand in the back of the room and you do three
[44:17]deep breaths and there's a breath expert here.
[44:19]That's a skill set.
[44:22]Having that is just, it changes everything.
[44:25]So thank you very much.
[44:27]I thought I saw somebody else raise their hand.
[44:30]I think you're going to be here.
[44:32]Oh, go ahead.
[44:33]I did.
[44:34]Yeah.
[44:35]Yes.
[44:36]Yeah.
[44:37]But you did say something that you're a teacher without being an intense shift.
[44:44]Yeah.
[44:45]Yes.
[44:46]I always talk about we have to be both intentional and specific and that I learned from
[44:51]being an actor.
[44:52]You know, actors who are you don't believe are not being specific about what's happening
[44:59]in the moment.
[45:00]paying attention the objective of the character in that moment. So, yes,
[45:04]intentionality and specificity are probably the most important skill sets other
[45:09]than learning that I had a body.
[45:30]Well, it's funny because that's exactly how I felt when I, you know, when
[45:47]your dream job being a lawyer, which was a dream, there was that fell apart from
[45:52]me. I lost my job. April 15th, I can, I'm not going to put the year on it, but I shut
[45:57]the lights and stole the stapler because they didn't need it anymore. And I
[46:02]still have it. I had to come back from that. I, you know, I remember that night
[46:07]whaling at the ceiling loudly with sound and, and actually not knowing what
[46:13]was going to happen and then taking it day by day, meeting people, getting to know
[46:18]them, trying to figure out what it was that I, what were my skill sets? What could
[46:24]I bring to the world? Not about an industry, not about a job and getting more
[46:29]elemental and that really did help me make the choice that I made. But it is a long
[46:34]journey and it's not easy. Have I completely, I, I was rocked. My world was rocked in
[46:40]that moment. And we just bought a house and we had to pay a mortgage and, you know,
[46:44]right? Like you have that trapping of what that job brings. So I do think it's, it's
[46:50]taking time and it is traumatic. And stepping into that vulnerability. I appreciate
[46:56]you're asking the question. I, I, I hope the book will make a difference for anybody
[47:01]who's trying to make a shift or those who want to stay where they are. It has meaning
[47:07]for both, both places. Thank you. Well, thank you everyone so much. Thank you, Pam.
[47:14]I think you're going to sign. This was so inspiring. And please, yeah, please do. It's
[47:22]a really, it's an easy fast read. Like it really is. It's a fun read. Yeah. So, and then come
[47:28]back to the after we order more. So, thank you for having us.
[47:31]I want to say thank you to Pam. Sure. We had to tell your vendor small. I think you're
[47:35]familiar. This was so fine. What a fascinating dynamic conversation.